I haven’t even begun watching the actual Oscar broadcast yet, but thank God for TiVo so I can catch up after I talk about what is really most important, the dresses. Specifically, the thoughts on the dresses from the two eight year-olds and the one four year-old watching the pre-Oscar red carpet show in my game room.
We all gathered in our finest jammies to dine on pizza and cupcakes, which is I am sure exactly how they do it at the actual post-Oscar parties, right Wolfgang Puck?
In case you missed my Facebook status yesterday, Emma was very excited to rate the dresses, specifically those that were her favorites, while Abby said that she could not wait to weigh in on which she felt were “the yuckiest”. The good news for Miss Abby was that she would have plenty to work with this year, folks, because those Hollywood gals did not disappoint. We were all very excited to include our BFF’s Miss Lisa and her Lucy in our fancy lady show watching, because if watching the red carpet is fun with three, then that fun can only be increased when two more come on board!
The girls got immediately down to business with their paper and pencils and went to work rating from 0-10 the dresses they saw, until they became distracted by my iPod and left the room to make horror movies. I think the allure of the red carpet made them all realize that sitting at home in jammies is so much less appealing than the prospect of being among the stars, so if they had any hope of ever breaking out of the game room, they were going to have to get to work!
Before they abandoned Lisa and me to do all our
criticizing critiquing on our own, they had all agreed that their favorite dress on the red carpet had been worn by none other than Miss Piggy. What can I say? These girls have a soft spot for a girl with curves who loves a green frog, can you blame them? They were decidedly thumbs down for Penelope Ann Miller. And Melissa McCarthy. They did enjoy Milla Jovovich, who we all agreed brought the first touch of true Hollywood glamour to the red carpet. Ironic, since when I think of her associated with movies, it is with that horrific film (if you can even call it a film) The Fifth Element. But, Milla, you totally redeemed yourself in my eyes tonight, because you brought it.
So, I think I will do a little Fashion Police segment here, where I post a dress and then our commentary, it will totally make me feel like Tom & Lorenzo, only without the fashion know-how or fame factor. Here we go…
Gwyneth Paltrow: You know, I want to like you, because your husband is hot and sings “Fix You”, which is exactly what he should have done with this dress. I mean, no. No. And the cape? Plus the wrinkles. Why? You can do better, I know you can. I can’t believe Chris gave this the thumbs up.
J.Lo.: Jenny, from the block, girl, what is happening here? The cut-out sleeves are just too much, honey. Did Marc win those in the divorce or something?
Viola Davis: The thing is, I want you to win. You are the one I would vote for if I were a member of the Academy. I just know it should be you up there holding up that trophy tonight. Except, wait, don’t hold it up, okay? Because if you hold it up, I am pretty sure there will be a wardrobe malfunction. Just hold it by your side or something instead. The bottom of the dress is beautiful. The top looks like broccoli. You spoke the best line of dialogue of the year when you said, “You is kind, you is smart, you is important.” All I can think to say, “You is in need of a new stylist.”
Emma Stone: What can I say other than I love her? I am pretty sure she might be my new girl crush. Sorry Keri Russell, we were bound to break up at some point, right? Felicity has been over for years. Emma can totally pull this off because she is amazing. And not just because she got to do the lift with Ryan Gosling in Crazy, Stupid Love, although, for the record, I bet it was awesome. She looks stunning and like a star, which is exactly how you should look at the Oscars.
Jessica Chastain: You know who didn’t need The Help at the Oscars? This girl. She was the picture of gorgeous and stylish and everything that it means to be fantastic. Swinging her hair extensions as she walked down the red carpet, you could just tell that she owned her look. She was feeling every bit the A-lister tonight. Loved it.
For all of the other dresses of the night, check out this article, where I found all these fabulous photos and leave me your thoughts in the comments about which ones you loved, hated, wished you could burn right there on the carpet, etc.