You Want a Real Mommy War?

Instead of pitting working moms against stay-at-home moms, which is so totally ridiculous I would laugh if it weren’t actually happening, let’s start a war on the moms who don’t want to own up to the reality that is motherhood and marriage. How about that?

How about instead of focusing all of our energy tearing down the women who get up every day and “suit up” to play, whether it be in a full blown business suit or yesterday’s spit-up covered yoga pants, but who openly acknowledge that what they are doing comes with great sacrifice, we laser in on the women who act like this job is the greatest, easiest thing they have ever done.

I have a lot of friends who fall on both sides of this particular aisle, and the reason they are friends is because they are the first ones to admit that they cannot have it all…at least not at the same time and certainly not in equal measured parts. The ones who had a slam dunk at work that day often did so because they were missing their child’s school field trip. Or the ones who gave up their careers to make it on the field trip yelled at their kids in the car on the way there.

Here is the real dose of reality for you…no one *wants* to be working at any of this. We would actually love for it all to come naturally, kind of like stretch marks and gray hair did. But, it doesn’t, so when you are talking with someone who says something asinine like she can’t imagine spending a minute away from her babies, or she has never missed a single milestone event because she had to take one more call at the office, or that she feels great pleasure in folding tiny little baby socks for the 800th time, then unless she is also coughing up the exact medication, dosage and possible side effects from whatever she is taking to help her achieve this Zen-like bliss, she is lying.

That’s right, I am saying it, that is the war I *want* to wage. Against the lying moms. Those mommies are like the airbrushed magazine cover mommies. Yeah, we would all look fantastic if you brushed away all the wrinkles and cellulite and mommy guilt. Good news for you pundits out there, they exist in the working and stay-at-home camps, no need to divide and conquer, just have at ’em! All of us real life moms, who aren’t afraid to share our fears and our deepest shameful moments of motherhood, let’s band together and smother these lying, liars with enough truth and reality and validation until they break down in tears and say, “Oh my God, yes, yes, it is all so hard, some days I don’t even know how I will make it from minute to the next, please let me be in your REAL mommy club.”

You got it, sister, jump right in.

If we keep it up the only mommy war left to be waged will be about who loves who more. No you’re a fantastic, hardworking, totally amazing mom. No, you are. No, you.



You Want a Real Mommy War? — 161 Comments

  1. Cute post. I love my honest, real-life mommy friends and wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world. Honesty about frustrations, limits, stress, kids and spouses is highly underrated.

  2. Oh, this is so perfect! I should have known your “mommy war’ blog would be about this! Yes, there are the “reals”, and there are the (as my daughter calls them) “plastics”. And the latter has nothing to do with facial surgery. The “reals” are the moms who aren’t afraid to talk about the less attractive parts of motherhood: puke-stained clothes, tantrums, headaches, screaming, kids who don’t listen, kids who don’t pick up after themselves, kids who have to be forced to finish homework, etc. The “plastics” (as my daughter calls them) are the moms who act like life is one big swirl of cotton candy. Their kids are perfect. The kids never get dirty or sass their parents. The mom has never lost her temper. The kids do everything perfectly just as the mother does everything perfectly. The mother never has to hide in the bathroom for a few minutes of peace, because her whole household is peaceful…all the time. Yep. All peace, all the time. Personally, I’m a “real”. My daughter (and my husband, for that matter!) gets on my nerves sometimes…maybe even a little bit every single day. And yes, I’ll lock myself in a bathroom from time to time just to have a few minutes of peace. Some people say that “in spite of this, I’m happy”…I say, “because of this, I’m happy”. I know we’re pretty normal, whether the “plastics” think so or not. And I’m with you, Ashley. If someone is telling me her life is perfect, I know she’s lying. I don’t have to peek through the no-fingerprints windows of her immaculate house to know she’s lying. My life is not perfect. I love my husband. I love my child. And I love that my life is not perfect.

    • Totally so pink puffy heart love this comment it is not even funny!! You and I are definitely hanging out at the pool this summer! πŸ™‚

    • Thank you! And I LOVE your blog for its brutal honesty…and also because it makes me laugh out loud! πŸ™‚

  3. Well said, my dear! I truly loved being a stay-at-home mom, but it definitely comes at a price. I would not trade my years at home for no amount of money, and I always admired those women who either chose to work or had to work – both were sacrifices – and it is hard on both sides of the fence. Society judges both sides, and like many things with women, I think we need to open our eyes and support each other, be real with each other, admit the triumphs and the trials – we would all be better off….and your column really helps to keep us all in check on so many great topics. Good job, Ash!

    • Thank you! πŸ™‚ Couldn’t agree with you more, both jobs have real sacrifices, and I will be thrilled when women learn to validate each other rather than look for ways to tear each other down.

    • No, you.

      Have to say that I love your last sentence because it is totally true and because you used the word ridunkulous.

  4. AMEN, AMEN, AMEN. We are actually doing a series on our blog called “This is Not a Lifestyle Blog” where we work against those images of perfection. We also have a “counterpinning” campaign on Pinterest. Check it out and glad to “fight” alongside you!

    • Hmm, the more I think about this, the less comfortable I am with the idea of warring against mommies. Can’t the war be against a perfectionist culture? Or the messages of these moms, rather than the moms themselves?

      • Good point Lauren! I actually want the “war” to be to bring the lying moms into the fold of REAL moms, but maybe it would be better if our rallying cry didn’t make them feel sad, so we can totally go with a war on the message! πŸ˜‰

  5. Let the church say AMEN!! I don’t sugar-coat my opinion of my children and their antics, but I will go into mama bear mode if I think they are being mistreated. Motherhood and wifedom is difficult and self-deprecating enough without feeling like you are being judged by total strangers! I have actively tried to eliminate those people from my circles of influence, and trust my intuition and the good Lord above to avoid long-term interaction with those kind of people. Bravo to you Ashley, for keeping it real. This is the dialogue we need to be having, indeed.

    • Thank you Miss Toni! Wish we still lived close to each other, because I have a feeling we would enjoy hanging out and keeping it real! πŸ™‚

  6. Yes, not every day is a bed of roses, but “hard”? I don’t think so. Granted, I only have one kid, but I really just don’t find this parenting thing “hard.” And 99.9% of the time, it *is* pretty blissful. Not perfect, but maybe since I’ve never expected perfection, I’m not disappointed. I am very tired of hearing how hard being a SAHM is. In other countries, women have to walk miles to get water, deal with constantly sick children, lack of food, and on and on and on. The typical SAHM lives like a queen!

    • I certainly cannot argue with you that being a SAHM mom in this country is far easier than many other places, so I appreciate you bringing that to the table here. πŸ™‚ And I am thrilled to hear that your experience is so great, I hope that it continues that way and on the days that maybe are not as easy as others you can say that, too! πŸ™‚

    • I think when most moms say “being a stay-at-home mom” is “hard,” it does not mean we don’t love it and feel lucky to be able to do it. I think being a mom is not so hard….but being a GOOD mom is really hard. You are constantly having to fight battles not only with your children (to make sure you are bringing them up right), but we feel we have to fight society and their opinions as well. And actually, it is not just being a good mom that is hard, it is being a good parent in today’s world that is so hard…..and there is nothing wrong with hard work to produce a wonderful human to send out into the world. Most take that statement negatively – but I don’t mean it in a negative light. I would not change my “mom” title for all the money in the world. Most things that are wonderful require a certain amount of “hard work” to get there.

      • Perfectly stated. I think it is actually really sad that women don’t feel like they can complain about being a stay-at-home mom because it’s “not a real job”. No one would ever tell a man with an office job who was venting about less than thrilling aspects about his job to just suck it up and deal.

  7. I don’t know what you are talking about; my life is perfect, my children are perfect, my home is perfect…oh wait, my laundry is out of control, my freezer just crapped out, I have a to-do list for both home and work that is a mile long, and my dark roots are making me look a wreck.

    What were we talking about again? Someone is crying…

    • LOL! If we still lived in the village days I would say meet me down at the river and we can wash our laundry together! πŸ˜‰

  8. Amen. I sit here writing my response to your post while simultaneously redirecting my one son’s attention every three seconds back to his math homework, telling my other son that his homework break is over right now (Don’t make me come in there and turn off that wii for you because that would mean no more electronic time for the rest of the day!), and finding something else for my daughter to do other than reciting random numbers while standing right behind the brother doing math homework. Yeah, being a mom is work, and anyone who doesn’t see that, well…I think I want more of what they’re drinking.

    • This is a fabulous comment! I cannot tell you how often I catch up on blog reading while my older daughter does her homework and my younger daughter annoys the homework child. Good times for sure!! πŸ˜‰

  9. Having survived a challenging mommy day, I have to agree wholeheartedly. Thank goodness for my “for real” friends!

  10. YES! I challenge myself every time I have an interaction with the perfect moms….I do a “Barbara Walters like” dialogue and try to bring them to tears….break down their barriers….cut through their guard…dig for the raw…and always seem to find it. Sometimes, I believe these women can only cope with this way of thinking and behaving. It is how they hold themselves together. The storm is in there…they just can’t allow it to come out, for fear of losing total and complete control. I actually have a deep compassion for them because these perfect moms are the ones who hold up the world, and have a perpetual need to shine. Can you imagine that kind of pressure and constant battle within? I like to hug those moms, and feel them melt down into a human. πŸ™‚

    • Your Barbara Walters idea is GENIUS!! I am definitely trying that! I usually just freak them out with my brutal honesty and then they back away slowly. I think your way is totally better, though! πŸ™‚

  11. I love this post so much! I cannot stand the fakers…the “I don’t know what’s wrong with you. My marriage is great. My husband helps me with everything. My kids are all gifted and will probably get athletic scholarships to Big Ten colleges.” Can’t stand them. I thoroughly enjoy my friends (or anyone) that says, “This job sometimes sucks and there are days when I would like to quit!” I love the friends that I don’t have to say, “I love my kids and husband but…” before I go into a rant about how they get on my last nerve. Of course I love them but let’s be real…it’s not always rainbows and butterflies.

    Found your blog from SITS and I’m hooked!

    • Thank you so much! Love your comment! It is so true. All of it! I totally agree with you about the friends who you can be totally real when talking to them! So glad to have you here, please keep reading! πŸ™‚ Can’t wait to check out your blog!

  12. What a great post! I’m going to take another angle (because apparently my nice-mommy-meds are really working this morning) and say that I actually would love to reach out to those ‘perfect life’ moms…I wonder what is really going on with them. Are they just able to do it all? Because I believe they can’t. Because I can’t, and I’m about as close to perfect as anyone (I kid). So while I sit here at the kitchen counter, drinking a diet coke and yelling at my boys to be quiet and watch Chuggington so I can ‘get some work done’, while my laundry mountain looks more like the leaning tower of Pisa, while I will probably for the most of the morning wear what I wore to bed last night, I wonder what pressures they are waking up to, what stress ulcer they’ll be developing today as they put on their perfect face for the world – I don’t have the time, or energy to put into making everything look different from how it really is, and I’m a little sad for them. The reality of the situation is that the supermom has been elevated to some unachievable level – it’s not laziness to just get through the day without sunbeams and rainbows (in my jammies) – it’s survival.
    I digress. Love the column. Love you. No, you are.

    • I totally agree with you my friend. I wish we could break through the “perfect” facade with these moms and welcome them into the REAL mom club. The world needs all the REAL moms it can get! πŸ™‚
      Love your comment, the laundry comment made me laugh out loud!! So glad I have you in my camp!

  13. So very true! I often wonder how some moms make everything look so “perfect.” It makes me want to rip out my struggling working mom hair! Nobody is perfect at raising kids!

    • Don’t rip out your hair…or if you do, can you send it to me, because mine seems to be falling out! πŸ˜‰
      Thank you for reading and commenting! πŸ™‚

  14. I think the fakers are doing themselves and their children a disservice. Perpetuating this need to be perfect is half of what is going wrong with our young girls anyway! Let your children see that not everything needs to be perfect and it will still work out and be okay!

    Great post!

    • Bravo Amber! Yes, you are SO RIGHT. What message are we sending to our girls by having them believe that living a lie is a good thing? Thank you for reading and commenting!

  15. Extremely well said. Thank you for sharing. I am not afraid to say life is difficult with 3 kids 5 and under. I am covered with spit up covered clothes, dirty food covered handprints, and hear “mom” a bazillion times a day. LOL I Love it and it makes my head explode sometimes. I am actually counting down to my return to work after leave. πŸ˜‰ Mostly for the adult time I will get to enjoy as well.

    • You are my new hero. Seriously, 3 kids under 5 and you can type in complete sentences??!! How do we sign you up for mom of the year?? πŸ™‚

  16. Being a mom is not hard. Get real. Having no money is hard. Going without heat or food is hard. Climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro is hard. Having cancer is hard. Being a Mom is not hard. I’m totally sick of both camps kevetching.

    • My sister did say that climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro was REALLY hard. She doesn’t have kids yet, though, so when she does I will ask her how it compares! πŸ˜‰
      Seriously, though, I agree with you that there are degrees of hard, just as there as degrees of everything, but to deny that motherhood or marriage can be hard simply because they are not as difficult as MORE difficult things isn’t really fair to women at all. Just my 2 cents. πŸ™‚
      I really appreciate you reading and taking the time to leave a comment.

      • I am the main breadwinner and mother of 4 kids whose well meaning but clueless husband doesn’t even know where we keep the laundry soap, so I “get it.” And kudos to you for calling BS on the media invented “mommy wars.” But I am tired of hearing rich spoiled women complain about how exhausted they are to have to drive their $50,000 SUVs all over town to private school drop off, sports practices and music lessons and SAT Prep, run by the organic market and still make it to the drycleaner before they close so they can pack for a week of sking in Vail. Driving to soccer practice is not hard. Neither is sitting in an air conditioned office in pretty clothes working on power point presentations and attending meetings and going out to lunch everyday (I consider missed field trips a perk). Dirty yoga pants and missed field trips aside, I feel like the “complaints” of both camps are often a way to brag about their privileged lives.

        I never hear poor women talk about how hard motherhood is…

        • Have you sat in an air conditioned office doing a power point and felt like you were on vacation? Because, as the breadwinner, I would think you would appreciate the pressure to sit in that office and turn out your best work to make sure you keep your air-conditioned-office job so that, in this tough economy, you can support your family of 6. That is hard. Not physically taxing hard, but the kind of hard that keeps you awake at night, and makes you anxious, and worried, and stressed. The same goes with being a mom, either a ‘privileged’ mom or otherwise. I have friends with full-time nannies, and I have friends who work their asses off and pray that the next paycheck will cover their bills. Both sides, stripped down from their social standing, are moms. Moms that daily have to pull more than their weight, all the time fully responsible for raising their children, preparing them for the world and equipping them to be successful, happy little beings. That is hard. Money or not. Hard.

  17. Forget about working versus non working.. How about he battles we share as women generally? Just trying to make ourselves, our husbands, our kids, our parents, and whomever the hell else happy. Nw there’s something we can all rally around.

    Because we, as women, sadly tend to define ourselves by our guilt and by whom we make happy… Which are never in line by definition. If someone is happy, someone else is not…. So there you have it.

    • Could not agree with you more. That is the basis for this column, honestly. We do tend to define ourselves by our guilt, and it is really a shame, because we are all just doing the best we can and it is better than average! πŸ™‚

      • I must have PMS or I am just a royal bitch b/c I do not have any guilt. I don’t think I have it in my power to make someone “happy” and don’t expect anyone else to make me happy either. I work to keep a roof over our heads – why should I feel guilty? I should feel proud. And why should my husband or children feel slighted when work keeps me from attending to their needs as much as they (or I) might like? They should feel grateful. Granted, in the “baby years” I shed alot of tears – but the truth is they were for what I was missing – not for the babies b/c they were just fine. Maybe b/c I have been at this many years…I just don’t see why we need to beat ourselves (or each other) up over any of this.

    • Thank you so much Adrienne! πŸ™‚ I really appreciate you reading and commenting! I truly hope it made you actually clap, because that would be awesome! πŸ˜‰

  18. SO TRUE!! Hate this argument!! Today hugged A and sent her into the classroom, she looked at me & puked everywhere-think exorcist :(. After passing screaming baby off and cleaning up yuck we get home to shower-baby screaming again. Finish with cleaning self & sick child then back to baby. Code brown…shut it down.

    And now we have the girls all clean what do I do? Going back & forth with guilt. Spend my day snuggling my sick child looking at piles of laundry feeling inadequate. Then when I try to do some wash listen to my kid scream to have me snuggle with her. With two kid birthday parties this weekend I am slowly going insane…

    I may punch a Martha stewart type today.

    • Your last sentence made me laugh out loud! πŸ™‚

      I am so sorry about your sweet girl. I sure hope you forgot the laundry and just snuggled.

      You have definitely had a FULL day and it is not even over yet! Crossing all my crossables that the rest of your family avoids this bug!

  19. There is no doubt that not having money, worrying food and shelter, and/or being sick are infinitely harder issues to contend with on a daily basis. But beyond the material things, what I think is so hard about motherhood is the constant self doubt about whether you’re doing the right thing by your children. When I was a working mom, I worried about being able to make the time to spend with my child. Now that I stay at home, I worry about whether I’m spending enough time, too much, enough quality time and so on. Am I pushing him too hard or not hard enough? How do I find that perfect point for discipline, love and affection, and giving and holding back to help him develop into a strong, happy, independent person? Don’t people always say you’re only as happy as your unhappiest child? So, I love your idea, Ashley. We don’t need any wars, real or imagined. We need to share our experiences as honestly as we can so that we can help each other along (a sort of life/child rearing mentoring process) to do as well as we can in the most important job we have taken on – being a mom. I wished I were one of those moms who knew exactly what she was doing and why she was doing it. Most of the time I just muddle through so I always appreciate all the help I can get.

    • Love this comment so much. It is SO TRUE. All of it. And none of us know what we are doing, even if it seems like we do. I, for one, want specific advice at every turn because if someone tells me a good tip I am following it to the letter.
      I think we need to make this a real club, with meetings and snacks. Preferably, around bedtime at good restaurants! πŸ˜‰

  20. Good article, Ashley. Probably can also generalize to all people. It’s ok to let others know you don’t have your act together 24/7. You seemed to have hit a nerve, good reader response.

  21. I definitely have more respect for those that admit shortcomings. It’s easy, especially in this digital world we live in, to paint a rosy picture via FB statuses, Instagram pictures and Pinterest boards. I’m guilty of steering children away from a cluttered table for a cute sibling picture from time to time. LOL But I don’t deny that I’m a suck-a$$ housekeeper and my kids send me to the liquor cabinet more often than not. πŸ™‚

    • Laughing out loud at the picture sentence, because there is basically one spot in my home where we take pictures, and it is because it is the only place that is consistently clean! πŸ˜‰
      I totally agree with you and had not thought of that aspect before that is so much easier to make it seem happy and go lucky all the time thanks to social media!

  22. Have you heard of the book Freakonomics? The authors poured over a ton of data and concluded parents and parenting are actually very low on the list for how kids will turn out. Parents beat themselves up and for no reason for the most part.

    I find helicopter parents so annoying. Get a life. Take care of yourself and you will be a better spouse and parent and friend.

    They free podcasts. Check them out for a different perspective.

    • Such a good point and probably will annoy you when I say that hearing that parenting ranks so low just depresses me. You mean all this hard work and guilt for nothing? Clearly, I need to go get a massage and pedicure to help me deal with this! πŸ˜‰

  23. I applaud all mothers. Being a mother is one of the hardest jobs in the world. I am a single mother who works her tail of to provide and I applaud myself for my achievements. From home ownership to owning my own business. My struggles are real and I share with everyone I meet if they care to hear. I have struggled at times just to keep the heat on and have prospered at other times. My battle in life is different form a married mother, but our struggles are still the same. To provide the ones we love with needs, wants, and love. I am not a mommy blogger because, I must admit I am one of those mothers who likes to look good regardless of what is going on.

    • Bravo to you! I wish I had that gene or inclination to look good no matter what is going on…I tend to go with more of the eat lots of candy no matter what is going on! πŸ˜‰
      Thank you so much for reading and commenting, I really appreciated your perspective. Great thoughts!

  24. I so badly want to comment but I am currently trying to convince my 2 y old to pick up his Dino toys and my 4 & 6 y olds that just because they are screaming louder than each other does not mute it out for me! But, hell yeah! War on….who we fighting?

    • Ha, ha, ha! I cannot tell you how often I have that same conversation with Emma and Abby about the yelling. I think my ears just started bleeding thinking about it!

  25. Great post! Coming from someone that worked full time for a few years, and has stayed home for a few more…they both suck…they both have their down moments! Being a mom is HARD…no matter what you think the color of your neighbor’s grass is. You want to hit your head on the wall some days, and you are loving it other days. As long as we are loving our kids and being the best moms we can be, and have good friends for support…we’ll make it just fine.
    BTW, I came over from SITS!

    • Great comment! πŸ™‚ Thank you so much for taking the time to cover over from SITS and read and comment! I totally agree with you about everything you said, by the way!

    • Thank you for reading it and commenting on it! My hat is off to you for being a full-time working mom! πŸ™‚

  26. I think I love you. Stopping over from SITS and this is exactly the type of blog that I live for and love to read. So, I am so glad that I did the whole saturday sharefest thing! And having it all…I would just like to have a little bit…a tiny little bit of sanity would be nice. By the way…consider me a new stalker.

    • Thank you! πŸ™‚ I really don’t feel like I have enough personal stalkers, so I assure you no restraining order from me! πŸ˜‰
      And a little bit of sanity…what is that again? I can’t really remember, but I am sure it was nice when I had it!

    • Well said Alison! We are totally on to them and unless they fess up with the truth they will miss out on a lot!

  27. My friends and I definitely keep it real…and I never judge. Honestly, I never judge because I really don’t care how somebody else is doing their life! Breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding- stay at home vs. working mom, organic vs. non…every mom needs to do what right for their OWN family and not care what others are doing in theirs!
    Well said sister!

    • I totally agree with everything you said here! Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment! πŸ™‚ I am glad you cared enough to do that! πŸ˜‰

  28. I am always amazed by the fantastic readers who comment on my blogs with things like, “I’m so glad to know it’s not just me!” I can’t imagine NOT knowing that kids are a mess, a pain, work, that marriage is hard, and not in the “Why won’t my man clean the toilet” sense, but actual struggle sometimes. Regardless, I’m glad they find me and feel less isolated, because we all need a laugh, and we all know that for every barfed on shirt, there’s a sweet, perfect parenthood moment waiting to surprise us.

    • This is a fantastic comment and so captures everything that I love about blogging, both as the writer and the reader. Perfectly said! Thank you! πŸ™‚

  29. This is great! Let us all join forces against the true enemy – feigned parenting perfection that simply does NOT exist! Thank you for validating the mentality that rambles around in my head on a daily basis.

    • Thank you so much for reading and commenting! πŸ™‚ When I read your blog, I just knew you would be on board with this idea! πŸ˜‰ Welcome to the REAL moms club!

    • Thank you so much Trina! πŸ™‚ I love your blog and will absolutely read that post of yours. In fact, I went to read it the day you sent me this comment and then one of my children distracted me, and I am just now getting back on here to reply…darn kids! πŸ˜‰

  30. Great post. Having been on both sides – a former working mom, now a SAHM, I can see both sides to the struggles and joys. And you’re right, anyone who says life is great is lying. Because this is life and we all have struggles that we deal with every day.

    Thanks for point it out!

    • Thanks so much for reading and commenting Steph! πŸ™‚ I appreciate you taking the time to do that! You are so right, we all have struggles.

  31. Ashley,

    I just wanted to say that you and your readers had some really great points, and that it is so important for mothers whether a SAHM or a working mom to have an open dialogue about their struggles and triumphs throughout motherhood. It’s a shame that social media has pitted mothers against one another. Mothers should be coming together as a force to start the ball rolling in regards to policies that would address issues such as child care for busy moms (working or not). I’d like to pose this question to you and your readers:

    What do you, as a mother think needs to change (socially and politically) in order for mom’s in all situations to be the best mothers they can be for their children?

    As a side note, I absolutely love your blog!


    • Thank you so much Erin for this fantastic and though-provoking comment. I hope you don’t mind, but I am going to use your question in an upcoming blog, as I would be very interested to hear what readers have to say about this topic. I think that first and foremost, we owe ourselves as women the respect that we deserve, which includes validation and support. And also, I think we totally need a REAL moms club! πŸ˜‰

  32. We’re moms. We’re human. We can’t live up to the impossible standards set by glossy parenting magazines and advertisers, no matter how much we’d like to live in that beautiful, spotless, stainless, color-coordinated world they present.

    I’m glad that some of us can acknowledge and embrace our reality. Thanks for your post to this effect.

    Can we just get rid of the term “working mother,” by the way?
    I’d also like to see “full-time mom” go away, too:


  33. All I have to say is thank you. Choosing to go back to work after having a baby is difficult enough with out having to hear “I just love them so much I couldnt stand the thought of being away from them.” As if I dont love my child deeply. Perhaps a statement like this is better suited: “I decided to stay home because its what I wanted to do.”

  34. AMEN! I don’t understand why we women do this to each other. What happened to sisterhood? Didn’t we fight together to have choices? Why do we judge those who choose something different than we do?

    • We absolutely *did* fight for the right to make our own choices…so why do we criticize others for doing just that?

  35. This is one of the best posts I’ve read on a SITS day (happy SITS, by the way!) I couldn’t agree more. Women are expected to do everything perfectly, and effortlessly. And what’s worse, we often put that pressure on ourselves. I had a difficult day yesterday (I was exhausted, husband was sick, baby was running around everywhere and I was feeling overwhelmed) and I felt that I wasn’t good enough because I couldn’t do it all on my own. The point is that I shouldn’t be able to. Raising children is supposed to be a group effort.
    Again, I loved this post. Well done!

    • Thank you so much, Suzanne!
      You are absolutely right! We can’t possibly do it all, at the same time, without any help. Impossible! It takes a village. (Overused, I know…but only because it’s totally true!!)

  36. Stopping by from SITS and I love every single bit of this post. Whether you work outside of the home or inside, it is TOUGH being a MOMMY period…thank you for keeping it real

    • Oh, I can totally see how that happens in jobs, too. Why do people do that? When we act like we never have a moment of difficulty either as a mom (or as a teacher) that just serves to make those who are struggling with something feel …all alone in this. It’s not true. We all have our moments of difficulty so why not just be honest about that?!

  37. {Melinda} Oh, I am so with you, sisters. This mothering gig is wonderful, but so hard. All the more so, when we judge each other or try to go it alone. So thankful for mamas like you to share the journey with … Happy SITS Day!!

    • Exactly, Melinda! This mothering gig is TOUGH! (fantastic, yes, but hard!) It will break you if you try to keep up a front or if you don’t have some good girlfriends to share the ups and downs with you.

  38. The mommies that pretend that everything is puppies and rainbows are THE WORST! Being a single, working mother of two is hard work! If it weren’t for the help of my family I don’t know what I would do!

    • The absolute WORST, Britton! Why do they do that? If we didn’t have the help and support of friends and family we’d never EVER be able to do it. (and even then we are short on puppies and rainbows most days!)

  39. One of the first things I say to my pregnant or newly delivered friends is this: Being a mom is hard work! Please be prepared for that. And when it gets hard, know that you can ask for help. If someone is acting like motherhood is all sunshine and roses; it’s because they are *acting*.

    • That is the *best* advice!!. Poor new moms! They are exhausted and sleep-deprived and they tend to feel like something is wrong with them if they don’t think feel all sunshine and rosy enough. It’s hard to feel that way when you haven’t had 2 consecutive hours of sleep or a shower for 3 days.

    • Absolutely, Alexa! The more the merrier! We need all the help we can to get the word out and validate moms everywhere!! πŸ™‚

  40. I think I like this new war! Can we include the bloggers who very selectively write posts so that their lives look rose-colored all the time? I’m sure they’re lovely people, but dang. How about letting us see one little screw up!

    • Hahaha! OMG,YES…let’s definitely include them, Christa! Because COME ON! Everything isn’t perfect all the time! We DEFINITELY don’t subscribe to that kind of tomfoolery. We’re all about the screw ups over here!

  41. No one is spot on all the time. They only show you what they want you to see. You know? Martha Stewart might be out of shape, but she is an amazing cook and perfect home. Jillian Michaels is in great shape, but her house might be trashed…Well, so not a good example, because she can afford someone to clean her house. Oh I don’t know WHAT I am saying.

    • I know what you’re saying, Lisa! Nobody has it all, does it all perfectly, all the time. Nobody (not even the ones who seem perfect!)!
      We just need to stop pretending because when we do, it makes other people feel terrible and somehow inferior. If we just get real with one another we’d all feel SO much better.

  42. I love this post. I work, but I wish I could spend more time with my little guy. If ANYONE questioned my decision or said something to me about it … well I would not hold my tongue about responding to them. No, it’s not perfect. Yes, someone who is not a family member watches my baby during the day, and no she is not a nanny. We picked her because she clearly loves children. She adores children. I work because someone has to pay the bills. These are decisions we made, a path we are on, and as long as that child is LOVED and CHERISHED, I don’t think anyone should question those decisions. We have to get over feeling guilty about making choices like that. It doesn’t serve anyone, and if someone is actively trying to make me feel guilty, well I don’t have room for them in my life. πŸ˜›

    OK, so there’s a soapbox moment. Love your blog. You both rock! So do the other mommies who are working hard everyday.

    • Amen, Paula. We cannot give others the power to make us feel guilty for our choices. We know what’s best for our families and our lives! If someone is trying to make us feel guilty, they certainly aren’t worth our time! You rock!

  43. I could not agree more… Sometimes I’m afraid that I’m too cynical, but at the end of the day we can all agree that it’s easier to say everything is great than work hard to actually make it great. And those that do have it great? Well they have no need to broadcast it πŸ™‚

    Enjoyed the post!


  44. This has to my favorite blog post of all time. Husband and I are considering becoming parents and honestly, the thought terrifies me, but after reading this I feel a little better.

    • Well, that is certainly a fantastic compliment to wake up to! πŸ™‚ If you do it, it will be worth it…but definitely go in eyes wide open, too! πŸ˜‰

  45. I’m going to go ahead and stand up with an Amen! A Hallelujah! and a Praise the Lord on this one!! Just because you love being a mom doesn’t mean you love everything about being a mom! I love my kids and I wouldn’t trade them {permanently} for anything!!

  46. That’s awesome!! So sick of those moms who give me “the look” cause I show up to preschool without any makeup. Sooo whaaat…. My babies wanted to snuggle. I had to wipe butts that weren’t my own. I don’t care if I have on makeup.

    From Honest Moms Linkup. Have a great day!

  47. You are so right about all of it! It is so hard, and it is even worse when some mom says how easy you have it because you stay-at-home. REALLY? Easy? I get into battles with my 7-year-old at lease oh, I don’t know, everyday! Sure I could “hire” someone to do that, but that’s not parenting. I love him as much as I want to throttle him sometime. AND THAT’S OK.
    Thank you for this post, no if only the people who need to hear it read it!

  48. Wage that war, sister! I can’t stand the lies about mommyhood. We all make mistakes and we all have our I-can’t-deal-with-this-child-one-more-minute moments. To pretend otherwise only does moms everywhere an injustice. As much as I love being a stay-at-home-mom, it is hard as hell!

  49. [insert applause] Well said! This is why I kind of stopped using Facebook. Everyone was posting all these sunshine and roses posts that were bordering on the fiction, and even though I knew they were full of it, they still made me feel like crap. Hooray for us real moms πŸ˜‰

  50. Haha! I don’t think it’s a *lie* so much when the person speaking it is really trying to believe it’s true… And really wants it to be true… It’s the sunk-cost-fallacy, kind of – that makes a person cling to their choices as being the only ‘correct’ choices, and so they have to have the perspective that all other choices are stupid. It happens whenever you believe one thing to be absolutely correct and everything else to be wrong – and I think we all do this a little bit sometimes, I know I do it too sometimes without thinking. But it’s all about insecurity – if you’re not secure in your own choices, you’ll feel defensive of other’s choices and inwardly tell yourself why they are wrong… I try to have compassion on these Moms, but they certainly don’t make for good friendships…

  51. Man, I can relate. I’ve decided to push those kinds of people out of my life completely. Sure, I can be civil to them, but they won’t be my friends, and I just move right along if I come across a blog like that. What I would like to add to the list are the hypocritical moms that judge ME for complaining, but when they are having things rough, they can complain all they want….I’m definitely in the “real” mommy club with you! πŸ™‚

  52. Pingback: Open Letter to Jessica Simpson - The Dose of Reality

  53. Pingback: Back To School Blues

  54. I had 4, with the first 2, I worked 2 jobs and went to school while raising them alone, after my divorce, so I did miss some of their milestones. MANY of their milestones, and yes, it broke my heart, but they were fed, clothed and taken care of. I remarried and had 2 more and was able to be a SAHM. Loved every second, didn’t miss ANY milestones, and spent a lot of extra time with all of them. With that being said, all four turned out to be well adjusted, productive members of society. So keep your heads up Mama’s no matter which way you’re doing it, you have definitely GOT THIS, even on those days when you feel like you just can’t do a single thing anymore, or those days you finally get them all in bed, come out, look at the house, realize it’s a huge mess, and it’s gonna be a while before you can rest, it’s gonna be ok. No matter your choice, whether a career or a stay at home mom, YOU are going to do JUST FINE. And know that the other moms out here, including those of us who’ve “been there-done that” and are now reaping the rewards of grandbabies, are rooting for you, admire you and appreciate your struggle!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *