It is my sincere wish that this letter finds you curled up in a hospital suite somewhere (Cedars-Sinai) holding your beautiful baby girl in your arms realizing your days of sleeping on your left side and waddling are finally over. At least theoretically, over. Naturally, if you have had your baby, and I think I speak for women everywhere when I say that we all really, really hope you have (because girlfriend, we have been in your shoes), you need this advice. There are aspects to having had a baby that no one really likes to tell you about beforehand. Because if they did, it would scare the hell out of you. Things like stitches *down there* or cracked nipples (not the kind of nipples you buy either) or the fact that the first time you have a bowel movement (sorry the nurse in me cannot call it anything else, in fact I will probably feel the need to chart about this now) you will feel like you are giving birth all over again. Perhaps you had a C-section, which is a whole different ball of wax, in which you are, oh, you know recovering from actual, major surgery. So, either way, life is actually going to be slightly more physically uncomfortable than it is right now.
I say these things in the most, honest girlfriend loving way, I promise. I am just not sure Ashlee is bringing you this level of truth. And while CaCee may be a rock star BFF with the writing down the names at the shower of the gift givers (totally adorable video, by the way), she hasn’t been there, done that, yet, so you know, you need some people to walk you through this.
But if this letter, which back in the olden days of celebrity letter writing would have been written on pink lined paper in swirly handwriting, instead of Ariel font on a blog, still finds you “with child” then Jessica, I say it is time to march right into the office of your OB-GYN and say enough is enough. Maybe you don’t march so much as you ask for a wheelchair at the front desk, as to appear to need the maximum amount of sympathy and help. Trust me, here, don’t try to be a hero. Tell that Dr. J, since I just assume every pregnant Hollywood celebrity sees Tori’s Spelling’s doctor, which is silly I realize, as it would be like assuming every mom blogger shops at Target…oh wait, well, I mean, you know, think of another analogy that sounds silly.
Anyway, you tell your doctor these exact words, preferably while clutching his/her white coat by the collar with clenched, gritted teeth, “Listen up, DOC, your little chart over there may say I have only been pregnant for 37 weeks, but I feel like it has been more like 37 months, so you get on your little cell phone RIGHT NOW (as a mother the words RIGHT NOW are going to need to come naturally to you, so this would be a good way to start practicing them) and call over to the hospital and tell them to get my room ready because I am going to have this baby today.” Then you can let go of his collar, but if you don’t see him immediately reach for his cell phone, go ahead and repeat the RIGHT NOW again for emphasis. Kind of like you will have to do with little Maxie each and every time you want her to do anything you ask. Every time. I know, right? But I don’t want to depress you, so we will save that kind of talk for your open letter on her 2nd birthday!
From the bottom of my heart, let me just say that as a fellow mom, you are a hero to pregnant women everywhere. We are so sick and tired of seeing the typical Hollywood starlet on the cover of the magazines with the little blow-up basketball pushed under her shirt, who then disappears from public view until she is holding her six month old baby and has lost all of her pregnancy weight.You know the type who makes coy little statements like “Oh, pregnancy is pretty easy, I just watch what I eat and exercise.” Shut your pie hole, girl, in fact, how about shut it with some actual pie. But *thank you* Jessica for keeping it real and being out and about right up until the end just like the rest of us do. Many of us in the REAL world didn’t find pregnancy to be so easy. We found it to be fattening and exhausting and also totally exhilarating, but in the end, growing and wearing a person on your body for most of a year can take a toll on a girl. I say bravo to you for not letting that bother you and just living your life.
In closing Jess, let me just say this, despite all the discomfort during and after the pregnancy it will all be worth it when you have your little Maxie.
Want to join my REAL moms club?