Open Letter to Jessica Simpson

Dear Jessica,

It is my sincere wish that this letter finds you curled up in a hospital suite somewhereĀ (Cedars-Sinai) holding your beautiful baby girl in your arms realizing your days of sleeping on your left side and waddling are finally over. At least theoretically, over. Naturally, if you have had your baby, and I think I speak for women everywhere when I say that we all really, really hope you have (because girlfriend, we have been in your shoes), you need this advice. There are aspects to having had a baby that no one really likes to tell you about beforehand. Because if they did, it would scare the hell out of you. Things like stitches *down there* or cracked nipples (not the kind of nipples you buy either) or the fact that the first time you have a bowel movement (sorry the nurse in me cannot call it anything else, in fact I will probably feel the need to chart about this now) you will feel like you are giving birth all over again. Perhaps you had a C-section, which is a whole different ball of wax, in which you are, oh, you know recovering from actual, major surgery. So, either way, life is actually going to be slightly more physically uncomfortable than it is right now.

I say these things in the most, honest girlfriend loving way, I promise. I am just not sure Ashlee is bringing you this level of truth. And while CaCee may be a rock star BFF with the writing down the names at the shower of the gift givers (totally adorable video, by the way), she hasn’t been there, done that, yet, so you know, you need some people to walk you through this.

But if this letter, which back in the olden days of celebrity letter writing would have been written on pink lined paper in swirly handwriting, instead of Ariel font on a blog, still finds you “with child” then Jessica, I say it is time to march right into the office of your OB-GYN and say enough is enough. Maybe you don’t march so much as you ask for a wheelchair at the front desk, as to appear to need the maximum amount of sympathy and help. Trust me, here, don’t try to be a hero. Tell that Dr. J, since I just assume every pregnant Hollywood celebrity sees Tori’s Spelling’s doctor, which is silly I realize, as it would be like assuming every mom blogger shops at Target…oh wait, well, I mean, you know, think of another analogy that sounds silly.

Anyway, you tell your doctor these exact words, preferably while clutching his/her white coat by the collar with clenched, gritted teeth, “Listen up, DOC, your little chart over there may say I have only been pregnant for 37 weeks, but I feel like it has been more like 37 months, so you get on your little cell phone RIGHT NOW (as a mother the words RIGHT NOW are going to need to come naturally to you, so this would be a good way to start practicing them) and call over to the hospital and tell them to get my room ready because I am going to have this baby today.” Then you can let go of his collar, but if you don’t see him immediately reach for his cell phone, go ahead and repeat the RIGHT NOW again for emphasis. Kind of like you will have to do with little Maxie each and every time you want her to do anything you ask. Every time. I know, right? But I don’t want to depress you, so we will save that kind of talk for your open letter on her 2nd birthday!

From the bottom of my heart, let me just say that as a fellow mom, you are a hero to pregnant women everywhere. We are so sick and tired of seeing the typical Hollywood starlet on the cover of the magazines with the little blow-up basketball pushed under her shirt, who then disappears from public view until she is holding her six month old baby and has lost all of her pregnancy weight.You know the type who makes coy little statements like “Oh, pregnancy is pretty easy, I just watch what I eat and exercise.” Shut your pie hole, girl, in fact, how about shut it with some actual pie. But *thank you* Jessica for keeping it real and being out and about right up until the end just like the rest of us do. Many of us in the REAL world didn’t find pregnancy to be so easy. We found it to be fattening and exhausting and also totally exhilarating, but in the end, growing and wearing a person on your body for most of a year can take a toll on a girl. I say bravo to you for not letting that bother you and just living your life.

NBC Universal 2012 Winter TCA Press Tour All-Star Party - Arrivals

In closing Jess, let me just say this, despite all the discomfort during and after the pregnancy it will all be worth it when you have your little Maxie.

Want to join my REAL moms club?

Ashley

 


Comments

Open Letter to Jessica Simpson — 37 Comments

    • Thanks lady! :) I know, right? Isn’t it so refreshing to see someone who actually looks like she is having a baby and not a tennis ball?! I hope she and Jennifer Garner can become pals!

    • How in the world did I forget to mention those?? Oh my Lord, just thinking about them made me have cramps. I should have warned her about the pumping, too. Nothing will make you feel closer to dairy cattle than that.

    • I really hope she knows it, too. :) Because I want her to know that real people out here love seeing it!

  1. Agreed, Ashley! Fnally, a celeb who gains more than three pounds during pregnancy. However, (and you know I always have a “however” up my sleeve), can you communicate with her about mothers/daughters? I read recently that she said she would come unglued (I don’t remember her exact terminology) if her daughter asks for Nikes instead of Jimmy Choos (or some other high end shoe). This disappointed me. Aside from the fact that we should encourage our children to be healthy (thus, wearing Nikes), someone needs to let her know that if she lets her daughter know she loves something (Jimmy Choos), her daughter is far less likely to like them. All mothers of daughters learn this somehow, but you could let her know in advance. Any article of clothing I like, Milly hates. And I’m sure the same will hold true for boys in her life later. My mother aleays said, “If I ever said I like a boy you brought home, it was like the kiss of death for him.”. Let Jessica know that now. And please advise her to stop being shallow about the shoe thing…

      • LOL on the typing on the iPad. I was trying to type out some thoughts for an upcoming blog post the other night while watching TV in bed on the iPad, and I swear to God it looks like I am drunk when you read it back…and I totally wasn’t, by the way! ;)
        Great point about the shoes…and everything else you said, as always! I love your comments!!! :)

  2. I needed a laugh today and this did it. I also appreciate greatly seeing a “real” pregnant celebrity. I have no idea how she walked around in those high heels without hurting her back or maybe I was just a wimp.

    • Given the fact that I can’t walk around in those high heels even when not pregnant, I don’t know how she does it either! I can barely manage in a boot with a low heel, so more power to her! ;)

  3. Amen, Ashley, Amen. Women are meant to have curves and I can’t imagine the pressure Hollywood puts on anyone over a size 0. Pllllease. Always great when we ban together and keep it real. And besides – men, the men I’ve known – are attracted to curves. That makes it even nicer.

    • Could not agree with you more! How do these women do it??? And men do like curves…at least that is what I tell myself each day when I look in the mirror as my hubby walks through our bathroom! ;)

  4. Love love love this! So nice to see a celebrity who looks like a real pregnant person. And if no one has warned her about all the fun aftereffects of giving birth, she sure needs to hear it! In fact, that’s the one thing I usually tell pregnant friends. I mean, I wish a real person had mentioned it to me.

    • One of my best girlfriends, Pam, is the one who warned me about the bowel movement thing and now I ALWAYS try to prepare women for that, because otherwise how would you know…and you should definitely know!! ;)

  5. I especially love that she was in her friend’s wedding despite being in her 3rd trimester. There are plenty of people (stars and civilians alike) who would drop out of the wedding party because they didn’t want to stand up there pregnant next to ladies wearing the same dress who are size 2. Good for her!!!

    My practical advice…don’t be afraid to cut your baby’s fingernails. Those things are like Edward Scissorhands sharp. I know the first few times you do it you’ll feel really nervous, but don’t put it off. It will be okay. Just get a pair of infant nail scissors and cut them when she’s sleeping.

    • You are SO RIGHT about the wedding!! Good for her!

      Great point about the nail cutting. Emma was totally born with talons! She practically needed a full manicure in the hospital! Robert was in charge of all nail clipping and pretty much still is…he is very good at it, actually.

    • Oh, I hope not either. That would be super depressing and then we probably couldn’t be BFF anymore. :( ;)

  6. You are so spot on when you mention those pregnancy & labor details. It took me back to 2 years ago when I gave birth to Princess. Hope this letter gets to Jessica. Very insightful. Thanks so much for stopping by my blog.

    • Thank you for this comment and for stopping by my blog! :) I appreciate it! I hope this gets to Jessica, too, because I feel like new mommies cannot have enough good advice!

  7. Oh my gosh . . . I can’t stop laughing! Well said! I must add that I recently had a baby (in December) so many of these are still are reality to me :) Thanks for the laugh! Also, thank you for stopping by my blog today. I’m glad you did.

    • You are quite welcome, I loved your blog! :)
      Oh yes, you are still in the complete and total reality phase of having a baby…no baby fog for you! ;)

  8. This gave me a good laugh and made my day! You have a way with telling things the way they really are. Enjoyed this!

    Thanks for dropping by my blog and leaving a comment :)

  9. Congrats Jessica!!! And congrats to her for being a CHAMP during all of this. She didn’t hide, good for her. Was even in a wedding. I would have been like, sorry, can’t have photographic proof of how I look! Heck, my daughter’s 12 and I still don’t want photographic proof!

    Is it the last 12 pounds of baby fat they say is the hardest to lose, or the last 12 years? I forget which.

    Anyway, I got strangely huge like Jessica. So I have been feeling so sorry for her. I remember when I was crib shopping, a sales consultant informed me that the crib I was looking at was a special order, and would take 5-6 weeks. She then looked down at me and said, “And you obviously don’t have that kind of time!”…… I was 5 months pregnant.

    People can be so insensitive. :-(

    • Oh my God, your sentence about the last 12 pounds made me laugh so hard I was afraid I would wake the children!!! That is HILARIOUS!!!
      I cannot believe the sales lady said that to you!! That is HORRIBLE!!!
      I give Jessica great credit for being in the wedding, I would have definitely been a no go!

  10. We were watching Biggest Loser not long ago and Jessica S. was on it. My husband said, “Wow, she looks like you did.” We can laugh about how I felt like a cow when I was pregnant. It made us think about the time when we were going through the check out at Target and the associate said, “Looks like you’re about to pop!” My husband pipes up with, “And she’s only 6 months along.” making me feel like a beached wale. So I said, “It’s twins.” My husband got the hint and shut his mouth. lol.

    With your advice, I also remember thinking that pushing the baby out felt like a huge BM. Having that first BM felt like I was having a baby again.

    • Oh my Gosh, that is such a husband thing to say! ;) Glad he got your point and stopped talking!

      Thank you for reading and taking the time to leave a comment!

  11. Well, it’s like you wrote this, and maybe she read it, and marched up to her doctor and said “DELIVER THIS BABY NOW OR ELSE” because of course she went and gave birth to her ginormous baby girl on May 1.

    It’s good to see a celebrity LOOK like a real pregnant woman. I’ve never been a J.S. fan but I liked the pregnant J.S.

    • I do like to think that I had a hand in helping her get that baby out! Thanks for validating my delusions of grandeur! ;)
      It was so refreshing to see a normal sized pregnant celebrity!

  12. Excellent honest article~! Seriously though, she was pregnant longer than any other human being on the planet. I am having two babies within 12 1/2 months of each other, and I think she’s been pregnant at least that long. I feel bad for her though, I saw an article like the day after she gave birth disclosing her weight loss plan. Her baby was like almost 10 lbs, isn’t that enough for this week people? Her vaginy is tired. Let the lady rest for a few days before you stick her on an elliptical.

    • Ha, ha, ha! I do agree with you, I feel like it seemed like she was pregnant forever, too…have a feeling she felt that way, too! ;)

      I saw that same article and had the same thought!

  13. I haven’t really followed her pregnancy, except to think the press is giving her a hard time. So it was eye-opening to hear you supporting her and siding her! I hope one day she reads it and gives you a double fist pump. Visiting from SITS. :)

  14. That is pretty funny! I am a Jessica Simpson fan, although many days I wonder why. I am certain I am not the type of gal she would choose to be pals with, but I really enjoyed this letter!!!

    • Thank you so much Alexa! :) Glad you liked it! I have no doubt that Jess would probably not choose me for her BFF either, but I remain a fan nonetheless! ;)

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