Hollywood, You Totally Owe Me This…

My sister has been visiting and since I have not seen her in real life in almost a year, we have had a lot to catch up on. Some really, really important stuff, y’all. After all, when this much time has passed between actual visits, you can’t sit around talking about nonsense like nail polish colors and Thanksgiving shopping lists. You have to dive in and get straight to the heart of what is truly on your mind.

In our case, that pretty much means we are talking Hollywood. And watching a ridiculous amount of TiVo. Hey, all eight episodes of Homeland don’t watch themselves in just 24 hours, you know.

We covered everything from how amazing Argo was (if you have not seen it, run straight to the nearest cinema!) to the shocking split of Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman (seriously, if there was EVER a Hollywood couple destined to be together forever, wasn’t it them??!!). Somehow we segued into what it would be like to be famous. And by somehow, I mean I totally steered the conversation that way by talking about Ryan Gosling being the greatest ever and how it is completely on my 2013 goal sheet for him to save my life.

My sister feels like her success as a famous person would be limited. She described how annoyed she would be if she just wanted to say, run into the grocery store for a can of cream of chicken soup, a can of green beans and some fat-free pudding cups (I could write an entire post just on her weird eating habits alone…which we all know would actually make her PERFECT for Hollywood!), and five people stopped her to say how much they loved her. By person five, she said she would become less effusive and much more brush-off. Bad news if person five turned out to have a blog, huh? ;)

I, on the other hand, feel that I would make an awesome famous person. I feel like I would be incredibly gracious and nice and fun, because I know exactly what it is like to love an actor/actress so much that you actually feel like you know them. Like you just totally *know* you were supposed to be real-life BFFs.

Then my sister felt the need to remind me that I don’t really actually like compliments and in fact, have been known to have a difficult time accepting them. She tried to tell me that my current method of deflecting praise could in fact be seen as rude to a potential fan. And obviously, if I was famous, I would never want to come across as anything but fantastic. Let’s just say I once had an encounter with a very famous actress who I used to think I loved and then her behavior really turned me off. Think less “Pretty” and more “Steely” in demeanor and attitude.

So, you know how when you are trying to get over a phobia, the best way to go about it is to immerse yourself fully in the experience. Like, if you are afraid of snakes, then you go spend the weekend at a snake farm draped in more snakes than Cleopatra and voilà at the end of the weekend, you are either cured of your snake phobia or dead.

Obviously, the real answer for me is to become famous. You know, like maybe on a reality show of some kind where they take an average, suburban mom blogger me and instantly transform her me into a world famous celebrity. Does she crack under the pressure of trying to take the kids to dance while surrounded by paparazzi and adoring fans? Can she hold up on the red carpet at an awards show? When Ellen invites her on to talk about her latest project, does she go all fan girl or keep her cool under pressure and act like this is just a random Tuesday in her life? Who is not watching this potential train wreck smash hit on NBC/CBS/ABC/OWN?!

I could be given my own personal celebrity handler to coach me through the ropes of fame…it would have to be someone like Tori Spelling who could relate to my desire to be a real mom while balancing all the attention that comes from celebrity. We could have all the shots of us chatting like girlfriends, while I cry about how much harder it is than I ever imagined it would be all those years poring over People Magazine in the pedicure chair grocery store check-out line. How I will never again judge a celebrity for being seemingly rude to a fan, because who knows, maybe they themselves are just having a rough day.

My celebrity handler could totally coach me on posing for photos that make me look skinny, even without the support of SPANX and all about how no matter how dark the restaurant is, it is certainly better to eat in my sunglasses. Who really cares about seeing your food, when we all know I would only be eating the equivalent of a lettuce leaf and a couple ice cubes. Thank God The Beverly Hills Hotel (where I will no doubt be staying) has amazing room service, since we all know this girl cannot live on salad alone!

The season finale could be a sit-down interview with Oprah and the un-”Pretty” actress from my past. I would find out that the night she was so rude to me was one where her little daughter Mabel Moonwish (this is not her daughter’s real name, although in Hollywood it totally could be!) was really sick with a fever. It turns out even the most famous celebrities can’t be “on” all the time. Oh boy, would I feel like I learned something then, right? Wouldn’t the whole audience, really?

I am so glad I got to stand next to Tom and not “her”!

And obviously, at the end of it all, I would become completely able to accept praise in a kind and gracious manner. I could do the final “talking head” (Lisa totally taught me this term while watching The Bachelorette) about how now I was ready to teach my daughters all about compliments because I would lead by example from my own experience starring on “So You Think Are Famous and Can Hang With the Stars Because You Have the X-Factor?”.

The name of the show is just a rough idea. Allison Grodner, I am totally open to changing that, of course.

But really, Hollywood, after all the years I have spent supporting you, isn’t it time *you* gave back to me?

 

 


Comments

Hollywood, You Totally Owe Me This… — 44 Comments

    • Thanks Adrienne! :)
      I know, right? I was pretty bummed about it myself. I feel like they were a shocking Hollywood split. I hate those.

  1. LOL So want to see that show! I think it’s totally because I want to see the blog post with the photoshop job of you saying, “Someone call my agent!” while you sip coffee and complain about your mani-pedi and count the fat grams in salad as you secretly gorge on chocolate covered potato chips at 3am. LOL :) Hey, just visualizing. :D It could happen!

  2. Knowing you for ……let’s say about.. oh… 20 years or so…. . I can absolutely say without a DOUBT – You would be an awesome celebrity. You would totally be real with people, and that is why the people would adore you! (and we already do!) Oh my word. You would rock it! You would be like Rita Wilson or Jennifer Garner, or another obviously down to earth girl just being an awesome mom and living a fabulous life. And you know…. i’d be leader of the A-Tay (your fab new nick name) fan club, and would have shirts made for all of us. :o) How I wish I was with you and Norna discussing Hollywood and watching Tivo. Thanksgiving Perfection! Throw in a bottle of wine (each), and it would have to be one the best holidays ever. And – I am quite impressed with the Steely-Pretty comment, btw. Very clever, my dear.

    love you.

    PS – how did the attic cleaning go? did robert mondavi or kendall jackson come along to help?

    • A-Tay is the greatest! I bet you would rock the T-shirt making for sure! :)
      And of course, you would HAVE to come with me to the Oscars! ;)
      The attic cleaning was interesting…definitely took a serious trip down memory lane…wish you had been there!

  3. I think you would do great as a star. you already go up and talk to famous people more easily than anyone I know. I also like your cure for phobias-that which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Unless it kills you.

    • I think we should put that saying on a bumper sticker! ;)
      I do enjoy approaching the famous people…whether they want me to or not!

  4. Once you get famous, you can complain constantly about how HARD it is to be a star, and how EVERYBODY is just so jealous, and the paparazzi just WON’T leave you alone… Start practicing you whine. You’ll need it for your show! :)

    • OH MY GOD, you are so right!!! It is just exhausting to be famous. I mean, honestly, I will probably have to just cry on my piles of money, right? ;)

  5. Ha! I really liked this post. You and you sister can rest assured that the celebrity lifestyle (from the perspective of someone guiding those careers) is in some respects a far more complex ordeal on a day to day basis…but only a fraction of the time. You’d be surprised to find out how easy it is for them to go about their daily errands (especially on location, away from Los Angeles).

    • I am so glad to get this perspective on my “future” life Jason…glad to know that when I want to be a regular person I will be able to! ;) And obviously, once I hit the big time I will need your services! :)

  6. How cool that you get to hang out with your sister and talk Hollywood? I was surprised by Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman, too. But I will not be surprised if you become a star. It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on stardom-things already. Allison Grodner should definitely be calling soon. :)

    • Awww Kim, you are so sweet! So weird but Allison has not actually called yet. I am sure she just wants to make sure that she has the best proposal for me, right?! ;)

  7. Sister, this is an awesome post. Hilarious, and you are totally, totally reality show worthy! I think you would be the most friendly and gracious of celebrities out there, and I’d be so happy to be one degree of fame away!

  8. I think you would be a good celebrity, and this is a funny column. What I liked best though was reading that you and Laura got to spend some time doing what you wanted.

  9. Very funny blog posting (shared with my by your sister.) Happy to help contribute to a blog devoted to her weird eating habits, btw. Only eating the tops of muffins, preferring shoplifted grapes, NOT REALLY LIKING popcorn, pizza, ice cream… It is all very strange indeed.

    However, I have to give her more credit that she gives herself. I am very familar with her phony “It’s so nice to meet you and you are so wonderful” voice, and while there are dogs miles away crying about how high pitched it gets, she does it very well. Maybe some sort of sister act will get you BOTH on Ellen!

    • Oh Jan, thank you so much for reading and leaving such an awesome comment! I have heard nothing but fabulous things about you! :)
      I totally agree with you…she can definitely pull off the fake when she needs to! ;)
      And seriously, if we were BOTH on Ellen. Best.Day.Ever.

  10. Can I get your autograph now? Just sayin’… ;) You KNOW I would soooo be one of your groupies!!! I promise I will never ever write some awful book about your “behind the scenes” antics for a million dollars. Seriously!!! I would never.

    • Would you like one of the MANY copies I found while cleaning out my dad’s attic? Clearly, being famous spans the test of time for me! ;)
      And obviously, you could be the “unnamed source” in all the tabloid articles, right?! ;)

  11. You totally had me hooked when you said you were hoping that Ryan Gosling would come and save your life. I know you meant literally since he saved someone but I keep hoping Taylor Kitsch would come and save mine and in the not so literal way…although if that means giving me mouth to mouth, I am in!

    • That is a really good point. I should probably be more specific in my request…yes, put mouth to mouth on the list. It seems only fair…he is saving my life after all! ;)

    • I have to tell you this comment totally made my whole damn week, because we work really hard on our words above the links and our tags! Best reader of the week award totally goes to you! :)

  12. I love this! I would totally watch your reality show :D That is if you don’t forget to talk about your super cool blogger friend – me – a lot ;)

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