It is that time of year.
It’s the glorious time of year when an eligible bachelor goes on T.V. to
find the love of his life travel around the world on ABC’s dime and make out with 25 fame ho’s selected by hand with the utmost care to fit his every desire in a potential mate–or at least who the producers think will cause the most drama and cat fights over the next few weeks.
IT’S THE NEW SEASON OF THE BACHELOR!!!
Okay, I know you’re too good to watch this horrible show. It’s degrading and sends all the wrong messages about women. It makes you feel like you need to pop a Valtrex when it’s over. I get it. You are too smart and high brow for this nonsense. You only watch quality T.V. like Downton Abbey or Game of Thrones. You are too good for this. Yes, yes. I know.
I have one word to you about all of that: HotSean!
This is the season of HotSean! y’all! Whether or not you watch this show, you NEED HotSean! in your life if only for the length of this blog post. TRUST ME. You do.
HotSean! is no ordinary bachelor. He was discarded into the rubble pile by last season’s Bachelorette Emily in a fit of what can only be described as insanity. There is no other reason to kick HotSean! out of your life.
If you don’t watch the show, let me describe HotSean! for you. I’ll even start with his personality so we all feel better about ourselves. HotSean! is adorable. He is very easy to talk to and affable, but also has a cute little sense of humor and sense of fun under it all. He is very family oriented. He adores his parents, sister, and his niece and nephew. He has a wholesome quality about him. He’s not a bad boy or smarmy. No, HotSean! radiates goodness and sincerity and fun. While I will be the first to admit he’s not a Mensa member, he’s not a total dolt either. He’s kind of like the labrador retriever of people (if your labrador happens to be incredibly hot): good-natured, easy to get along with, loyal, fun…you get the picture. He’s awesome.
Now for the good part: HotSean! didn’t get the “hot” and exclamation point as part of his official name for nothing. He is tall with an athletic, beefy build and short strawberry blond hair. His face is cute, but he’s no pretty boy. He has a more manly quality. If this isn’t doing it for you, let me assure you that HotSean! is more than the sum of his parts…and I haven’t even gotten to the best part yet.
HotSean! has the best chest/abs ever seen on T.V. This has been scientifically proven. Because he is so kind and obliging, he takes his shirt off ALL THE TIME. He may not even own more than one shirt…nor should he!
Here were some of my deep thoughts as I watched HotSean! for two hours…
We start the proceedings with romantic music and a video of shirtless HotSean! standing pensively on a cliff…then running on a treadmill (also shirtless), then doing some sort of bicep curl which is fantastic. (Because I watch on my DVR, I decided this was the perfect time to rewind and watch this part over again…you know… for the blog).
The producers then forced him to put on clothes (boo!! hiss!) and tell us about his previous heartbreak from Emily last season. I guess we have to hear about this to move on, but still. Couldn’t he be shirtless during this? Anyway, he traveled all over with her, fell head over heels and thought he would marry her…and then she dumped him. He was shocked. (ME, TOO!). He said it felt like “the world stopped spinning for him” for a minute when he realized she didn’t love him back. Hmmmmmmm…so it was kind of like having anti-vertigo, I guess. He could bottle and sell that. Vertigo is a bitch.
He then (STILL in clothes…what gives?) reassured us that he has healed and he is ready to find love again and move on! He had family, friends, God, his dogs, and the power of being a Texan to help him heal. Next they showed us his wonderful family that we met last season. They are the greatest. HotSean! tells us that nothing is more important to him than family. Cue up the footage of him playing with his niece and nephew who call him Uncle Seanie…and I swear you guys…one of my ovaries just burst. SERIOUSLY. One of my old ass eggs has burst out of my ovary to try to connect with HotSean! because the footage of him with those children was so damn adorable.
HotSean! assures us that he can’t wait to meet a whole season’s worth of crazy skanks he wants to love and protect. He wants love and to settle down. If he proposes, he tells us he is committed to loving and being with his woman forever. And despite the fact that I’ve seen all 54 seasons of this horrid show where everyone says that and nobody means it, I totally believe him. HotSean! has made me a true believer!! And it happened when he even had his shirt on, just so you know I wasn’t at all influenced by the power of his chest.
Before we could get on with the rest of the show the best thing happened. Arie from last season (another Emily reject with no business of being rejected by anyone) has come to visit HotSean! and to make me happy. Arie is like the anti-Sean. He is dark haired and dangerous looking. He’s intelligent, charming, and really smooth–but I actually mean that in a good way. I loved Arie last season.
They sit down together and “dude” each other for a few minutes. Arie wants to see HotSean!’s best Bachelor moves so HotSean! practices how he will ask each girl to accept his rose (That’s not a euphemism. It’s the show’s stupid way of telling a girl she is going on to the next round). Next, Arie plays the part of a contestant and has HotSean! practice breaking up with him. Man, these two are so cute together. I’d totally watch the HotSean! and Arie show. Get on that, producers! FYI, Arie is really hard to break up with. He doesn’t want to take no for an answer. Words are not HotSean!’s forte, so let’s hope he has an easier time letting down the real contestants.
Then comes what will forever be known at The Dose of Reality as the moment we loved The Bachelor the best. HotSean! asks Arie for advice on how to kiss. For the uninitiated, Arie is to kissing what HotSean! is to shirtlessness. Arie is the best kisser in the whole damn universe.
Don’t believe me?
YOU feel kissed after watching that, right? HotSean! is no fool! He wants to learn from the very best!
You might be thinking, “Wait…isn’t this show ostensibly about dating? Aren’t there any women involved?”
Oh, right. THEM. Nobody’s really watching for them. But I do want HotSean! to find his perfect match, so I guess we’ll have to mention them as well.
The 26 “ladies” HotSean! has to choose from are employed doing a wide range of occupations. Everything from fashion model, fit model, to model (she did not elaborate). Oh, I’m just kidding. There’s also a fitness club manager, yoga instructor, cosmetics consultant, cruise ship entertainer, poker dealer, and bridal shop salesgirl. Surprisingly, there are no doctors, lawyers, or astrophysicists. There is a Jumbotron operator thrown in for good measure, though. (No, I didn’t realize that was a stand-alone job either.)
Some of them have names like Desiree, Keriann, Taryn, and Tierra. The other half are named Ashley. My Ashley is both exhilarated by this fact (he’ll be dating an Ashley!) and also alternately disgusted. (They kind of give Ashleys a bad name.)
They meet HotSean! one by one and many try to do something to make themselves memorable. This is a bad idea. One tries to do a back handspring and ends up sprawled out on the pavement in her evening gown. Another sings him an off-key country tune she wrote herself. Several “ladies” pull things out of their cleavage dramatically to hand to him. He, being the upstanding insurance agent that he is, seems appropriately repulsed by these offerings. (ME, TOO!)
I have a considerably harder time keeping track of all of the “ladies” than HotSean! There were a few that stood out to me, though. I dutifully fact-checked my information (aka called Ashley) to be sure that the “ladies” that left an impression on me were still in contention. They are…
AshLee F.– This Ashley is a professional personal organizer from Houston. I immediately dubbed her Sad Ashley. (Sad AshLee if I can remember the dumb way she spells her name.), because she seemed so sad. I’m pithy like that. She is completely obsessed with organization and claims to want to be loved SO BADLY. You really could feel the vibes of “love me” just pulsing off her. When she went on with her story it all sort of fell in place. She lived in many foster homes–6 in one year alone– when she was little. She was finally adopted at 6 years old. She seems sweet. I think she really needs a therapist and not a reality show. Even I can see her obsession with organization come from a need to control things because she couldn’t control anything when she was young, and I’m no Sigmund Freud. I like her. HotSean! seemed to be taken with her, too. Yay!
Next is Catherine. She’s a graphic designer from Seattle. She’s the most adorable girl ever. HotSean! was immediately smitten with her. His eyes lit up when they met her. They had a real chemistry together. She seems upbeat and fun, yet sweet…like a female HotSean! I think she has real front runner potential. We didn’t get to see her with him a lot, but I think this was to throw us off the track. I am pegging her for one of the final two, if not the winner of the whole show.
The last contestant that left an impression on me was Lindsay. She is a substitute teacher from North Carolina. But that didn’t matter because Lindsay had one of the WORST ploys to be remembered by HotSean! in the history of this show. Instead of wearing an evening gown worthy of the Miss Universe pageant like the rest of the “ladies”, Lindsay went another way. She showed up in a long,white bridal gown with a train and a veil. Yes, nothing says “I am normal and not at all insane and desperate” like showing up to meet a guy for a blind date wearing a full wedding ensemble. Lindsay proceeded to get very sloppily drunk and throw herself at HotSean! the rest of the night. To my surprise, he actually elected to keep her around. I’m glad because she had the presence of mind (before she got blitzed) to be very embarrassed by her idiotic decision.
In the end, HotSean! sent several ladies packing and kept the rest to dump another day. I spent the rest of the evening Googling variations of “how to get a frequently typed word to display with just one keystroke” because I am going to get claw hand if I have to type HotSean! the entire season. I wonder if The Dose of Reality offers Workers’ Comp?