I Will Cut You If You Bother Me While HotSean! Is On T.V.

It is that time of year.

It’s the glorious time of year when an eligible bachelor goes on T.V. to find the love of his life travel around the world on ABC’s dime and make out with 25 fame ho’s selected by hand with the utmost care to fit his every desire in a potential mate–or at least who the producers think will cause the most drama and cat fights over the next few weeks.

IT’S THE NEW SEASON OF THE BACHELOR!!!

Okay, I know you’re too good to watch this horrible show. It’s degrading and sends all the wrong messages about women. It makes you feel like you need to pop a Valtrex when it’s over. I get it. You are too smart and high brow for this nonsense. You only watch quality T.V. like Downton Abbey or Game of Thrones. You are too good for this. Yes, yes. I know.

I have one word to you about all of that: HotSean!

This is the season of HotSean! y’all! Whether or not you watch this show, you NEED HotSean! in your life if only for the length of this blog post. TRUST ME. You do.

HotSean! is no ordinary bachelor. He was discarded into the rubble pile by last season’s Bachelorette Emily in a fit of what can only be described as insanity. There is no other reason to kick HotSean! out of your life.

If you don’t watch the show, let me describe HotSean! for you. I’ll even start with his personality so we all feel better about ourselves. HotSean! is adorable. He is very easy to talk to and affable, but also has a cute little sense of humor and sense of fun under it all. He is very family oriented. He adores his parents, sister, and his niece and nephew. He has a wholesome quality about him. He’s not a bad boy or smarmy. No, HotSean! radiates goodness and sincerity and fun. While I will be the first to admit he’s not a Mensa member, he’s not a total dolt either. He’s kind of like the labrador retriever of people (if your labrador happens to be incredibly hot): good-natured, easy to get along with, loyal, fun…you get the picture. He’s awesome.

Now for the good part: HotSean! didn’t get the “hot” and exclamation point as part of his official name for nothing. He is tall with an athletic, beefy build and short strawberry blond hair. His face is cute, but he’s no pretty boy. He has a more manly quality. If this isn’t doing it for you, let me assure you that HotSean! is more than the sum of his parts…and I haven’t even gotten to the best part yet.

YoureWelcome

 

 

HotSean! has the best chest/abs ever seen on T.V. This has been scientifically proven. Because he is so kind and obliging, he takes his shirt off ALL THE TIME. He may not even own more than one shirt…nor should he!

 

 

Here were some of my deep thoughts as I watched HotSean! for two hours…

We start the proceedings with romantic music and a video of shirtless HotSean! standing pensively on a cliff…then running on a treadmill (also shirtless), then doing some sort of bicep curl which is fantastic. (Because I watch on my DVR, I decided this was the perfect time to rewind and watch this part over again…you know… for the blog).

The producers then forced him to put on clothes (boo!! hiss!) and tell us about his previous heartbreak from Emily last season. I guess we have to hear about this to move on, but still. Couldn’t he be shirtless during this? Anyway, he traveled all over with her, fell head over heels and thought he would marry her…and then she dumped him. He was shocked. (ME, TOO!). He said it felt like “the world stopped spinning for him” for a minute when he realized she didn’t love him back. Hmmmmmmm…so it was kind of like having anti-vertigo, I guess. He could bottle and sell that. Vertigo is a bitch.

He then (STILL in clothes…what gives?) reassured us that he has healed and he is ready to find love again and move on! He had family, friends, God, his dogs, and the power of being a Texan to help him heal. Next they showed us his wonderful family that we met last season. They are the greatest. HotSean! tells us that nothing is more important to him than family. Cue up the footage of him playing with his niece and nephew who call him Uncle Seanie…and I swear you guys…one of my ovaries just burst. SERIOUSLY. One of my old ass eggs has burst out of my ovary to try to connect with HotSean! because the footage of him with those children was so damn adorable.

HotSean! assures us that he can’t wait to meet a whole season’s worth of crazy skanks he wants to love and protect. He wants love and to settle down. If he proposes, he tells us he is committed to loving and being with his woman forever. And despite the fact that I’ve seen all 54 seasons of this horrid show where everyone says that and nobody means it, I totally believe him. HotSean! has made me a true believer!! And it happened when he even had his shirt on, just so you know I wasn’t at all influenced by the power of his chest.

Before we could get on with the rest of the show the best thing happened. Arie from last season (another Emily reject with no business of being rejected by anyone) has come to visit HotSean! and to make me happy. Arie is like the anti-Sean. He is dark haired and dangerous looking. He’s intelligent, charming, and really smooth–but I actually mean that in a good way. I loved Arie last season.

They sit down together and “dude” each other for a few minutes. Arie wants to see HotSean!’s best Bachelor moves so HotSean! practices how he will ask each girl to accept his rose (That’s not a euphemism. It’s the show’s stupid way of telling a girl she is going on to the next round). Next, Arie plays the part of a contestant and has HotSean! practice breaking up with him. Man, these two are so cute together. I’d totally watch the HotSean! and Arie show. Get on that, producers! FYI, Arie is really hard to break up with. He doesn’t want to take no for an answer. Words are not HotSean!’s forte, so let’s hope he has an easier time letting down the real contestants.

Then comes what will forever be known at The Dose of Reality as the moment we loved The Bachelor the best. HotSean! asks Arie for advice on how to kiss. For the uninitiated, Arie is to kissing what HotSean! is to shirtlessness. Arie is the best kisser in the whole damn universe.

Don’t believe me?

Watch this.

I’ll wait.

SEE!

YOU feel kissed after watching that, right? HotSean! is no fool! He wants to learn from the very best!

Take Notes

You might be thinking, “Wait…isn’t this show ostensibly about dating? Aren’t there any women involved?”

Oh, right. THEM. Nobody’s really watching for them. But I do want HotSean! to find his perfect match, so I guess we’ll have to mention them as well.

The 26 “ladies” HotSean! has to choose from are employed doing a wide range of occupations. Everything from fashion model, fit model, to model (she did not elaborate). Oh, I’m just kidding. There’s also a fitness club manager, yoga instructor, cosmetics consultant, cruise ship entertainer, poker dealer, and bridal shop salesgirl. Surprisingly, there are no doctors, lawyers, or astrophysicists. There is a Jumbotron operator thrown in for good measure, though. (No, I didn’t realize that was a stand-alone job either.)

Some of them have names like Desiree, Keriann, Taryn, and Tierra. The other half are named Ashley. My Ashley is both exhilarated by this fact (he’ll be dating an Ashley!) and also alternately disgusted. (They kind of give Ashleys a bad name.)

They meet HotSean! one by one and many try to do something to make themselves memorable. This is a bad idea. One tries to do a back handspring and ends up sprawled out on the pavement in her evening gown. Another sings him an off-key country tune she wrote herself. Several “ladies” pull things out of their cleavage dramatically to hand to him. He, being the upstanding insurance agent that he is, seems appropriately repulsed by these offerings. (ME, TOO!)

I have a considerably harder time keeping track of all of the “ladies” than HotSean! There were a few that stood out to me, though.  I dutifully fact-checked my information (aka called Ashley) to be sure that the “ladies” that left an impression on me were still in contention. They are…

AshLee F.AshLee F.– This Ashley is a professional personal organizer from Houston. I immediately dubbed her Sad Ashley. (Sad AshLee if I can remember the dumb way she spells her name.), because she seemed so sad. I’m pithy like that. She is completely obsessed with organization and claims to want to be loved SO BADLY. You really could feel the vibes of “love me” just pulsing off her. When she went on with her story it all sort of fell in place. She lived in many foster homes–6 in one year alone– when she was little. She was finally adopted at 6 years old. She seems sweet. I think she really needs a therapist and not a reality show. Even I can see her obsession with organization come from a need to control things because she couldn’t control anything when she was young, and I’m no Sigmund Freud. I like her. HotSean! seemed to be taken with her, too. Yay!

Next is Catherine. She’s a graphic designer from Seattle. She’s the most adorable girl ever. HotSean! was immediately smitten with her. His eyes lit up when they met her. They had a real chemistry together. She seems upbeat and fun, yet sweet…like a female HotSean! I think she has real front runner potential. We didn’t get to see her with him a lot, but I think this was to throw us off the track. I am pegging her for one of the final two, if not the winner of the whole show.

The last contestant that left an impression on me was Lindsay. She is a substitute teacher from North Carolina. But that didn’t matter because Lindsay had one of the WORST ploys to be remembered by HotSean! in the history of this show. Instead of wearing an evening gown worthy of the Miss Universe pageant like the rest of the “ladies”, Lindsay went another way. She showed up in a long,white bridal gown with a train and a veil. Yes, nothing says “I am normal and not at all insane and desperate” like showing up to meet a guy for a blind date wearing a full wedding ensemble. Lindsay proceeded to get very sloppily drunk and throw herself at HotSean! the rest of the night. To my surprise, he actually elected to keep her around. I’m glad because she had the presence of mind (before she got blitzed) to be very embarrassed by her idiotic decision.

SomebodyHelpHim

In the end, HotSean! sent several ladies packing and kept the rest to dump another day. I spent the rest of the evening Googling variations of “how to get a frequently typed word to display with just one keystroke” because I am going to get claw hand if I have to type HotSean! the entire season. I wonder if The Dose of Reality offers Workers’ Comp?


Comments

I Will Cut You If You Bother Me While HotSean! Is On T.V. — 57 Comments

    • Don’t ever start, Kim. It’s not a good show. It’s TWO HOURS every week…and once you start you are totally sucked in. Just don’t!!!

  1. Totally watching but then you guys knew that, right? So much to say in this small comment box. First, I think it is adorable that you called Ashley, “My Ashley”…my heart did a little squeeze with how cute you two are. Second, almost lost my tea with your ovary bursting because that scene was all kinds of adorable. Third, I love guys from Texas (says the woman who loves the fictional character Tim Riggins who is from Texas but also loves Taylor Kitch who is from Canada but now lives in Texas…I swear I do have some sanity left). Fourth, I was sold on Sean when he surprised Emily in Prague. LOVE a guy willing to go for the grand gestures and I love surprises. Fifth, so much desperation in that room last night. Sixth, I have to go back and look at the actual women that were sane because Sean’s hotness distracted me the entire show. Finally, that was a hot kissing video, I must say. Whew!

    • It was a really promising beginning, wasn’t it AnnMarie?!!
      I was really disappointed in the quality of Ashleys, though!!
      I thought they did great with the “this season on The Bachelor” montage. It looks like we have several “not here for the right reasons” as well as a smattering of “I’m not here to make friends” and even a medical evacuation or two!! The HotSean! practically promised us he proposes to someone. It’s going to be a good one!!

  2. Ok, I used to watch the show and decided not to the last several seasons, but the Watch This link caught my eye and by the end I think I was watching with one eye covered. Dang! That boy likes to kiss. Have to agree with you on shirtless too!

    • Hahahahaha. This made me laugh for 5 minutes straight! I guess I’ll just have to take one for the team and watch for the both of us, Stacie! :)

  3. I thought this was hilarious and I don’t even watch the show! I might have to start, after seeing that Arie video. For now, though, I’m off to take a cold shower. Yowza!

    • Seriously, Amy…Arie is amazing. I hope he is on the show again to help HotSean! out. I will miss him if he’s not.

    • You will not regret it, Britton…wait…or maybe you will because it will suck you in and you will have to watch the whole season!

  4. Holy tamale! That video of Arie is hot hot hot! How did I miss that? What WAS Lindsey thinking anyway? I was kind of half-watching because I was blog surfing at the time. Love your recap!

    • Thanks, Raquel! I have to hope it was producer manipulation and they suggested it to Lindsay and they told her he’d love it or something. I can’t think of any other explanation–besides being nuts.

  5. Ok, so I am a couple of days behind, but I could not read this post until I actually watched the show! Lisa, you are hysterical, and this HotSean season will be a lot more fun with you doing the “after the rose” synopsis each week! Honestly, I agreed with everything you wrote and definitely burst out laughing many times! You are spot-on with this entire show! There are a few other favorites, but I did not keep a cheat sheet (this time) to help me remember! I’ll do better next week! (For the record, she is my Ashley, too! Don’t you just love her?!!)

    • Thank, Debbie! Yes…OUR Ashley is awesome!! (The show’s Ashleys need some help, though). I know there were a few others he liked, but they weren’t that memorable to me. And since every other one was named Ashley (and also the shirtlessness and Arie kissing lessons), it was difficult to pay attention.

  6. I watch the bachelor sporadically, because, I tend to get ALL involved and emotional about it, so its better for me to keep it at a distance. I DID however see the scenes that are upcoming for this season and OH MY. The girl fights will be REAL, the VILLIAN is so pretty! (Why are the villians SO gorgeous?!) I think I am hooked.

    • We always try to keep above it, but by the end we are usually rooting so hard for one person we can’t even stand it.
      When one of the girl fights end with someone being taken out on a stretcher, you know it’s going to be a wild season!!!

  7. I have never watched this, not even an episode out of all 54 (hah!) seasons, but my best girlfriends in college all loved it and always talked about it. That was back when it was first on, I think? Anyway, even without any background knowledge of the show, this was hilarious.

    But how could the contestants on the show bear it? Meaning: you think you have a little spark growing with him, but obviously he has sparks with all the other girls, too. It would be too weird and not genuine. I couldn’t do it. Besides I’m not a model or named Ashley.
    I want to know more about the girl that tried to do the flip. I’m going to google that right now.

    • I’ve always wondered how anyone could bear being on the show—a contestant who knows he’s kissed 5 other women that night before he kissed you—or the Bachelor who has to pretend to like so many women so they have a show to film.

      The poor flip girl! She was actually nice and cute, she just didn’t have enough momentum for her feet to make it over and…plop. She hopped up immediately and recovered as best she could. I have to hand it to her for that!

  8. I watch Downton Abbey and I’m not sure it’s quality TV. It’s a soap opera in a really, really beautiful house. I’m sheepish that I love it so much. And I would also get annoyed if someone bothered me while husky-blue-eyed, war-haunted Matthew Crawley is on my TV. Again, I am embarrassed to say this. We all have our guilty pleasures!

    • I’ve never actually seen Downton Abbey, but I figured that it’s on PBS or BBC America or something so it was more respectable than what I’m generally watching. I am glad to know that eye candy abounds on that show as well, and it could qualify as a guilty pleasure, too! :)

  9. I used to watch it at the very beginning. I even watched Joe Millionaire, if anyone remembers it. My best friend and I used to love those shows. Still do I guess but I don’t have cable anymore so I can’t watch it. I tried to get Netflix but they told me it’s not available in my region…boo, hoo!.
    Anyway, I Googled HotSean! and I am very sad to tell you he is not my type at all. He has moobs. He doesn’t have the right kind of six-packs and according to you, he is not a bad boy at all, which is an absolute downer :(
    But hey! You love him. I love it that you adore him so much that you type his name in red with an exclamation mark each time. That’s real devotion. I promise I will never interrupt you ever when you are watching HotSean!
    I hope you enjoy watching him throughout the season.

    • Okay…I laughed so much after reading this I read it again immediately and then called Ashley to read it to her!! Bwhahahaha!!!!!!!
      You sound more like an Arie girl if you like the bad boys! I did not peg you for the bad boy type! You surprised me, Xae!! :)

      Bad boys I can understand ….but MOOBS!!! WHAT?? Those are hunky pecs of steel, Xae…pecs that launched a thousand exclamation marks!!!!!!! :D

  10. I am of the belief that we are all allowed to love one trashy show per season. I cheat a little because I like Housewives and sometimes they have two cities running at the same time. Ok, I will give you this. He is HOT. Let there be no doubt there. But…. still… Gosh, I mean, its just so hard watching these shows where all the women are just panting after the guy like little puppydogs.

    But you know. WTF do I know? I watch the Housewives. That shit’s probably even crazier than 26 hos throwing themselves desperately at hotSean, only to be dumped a week after it ends.
    Kiran

    • It’s really disheartening for the feminist in me to see the women practically killing each other over a man. But before you know it… HotSean! will come on the screen, and I figure out a way to live with myself. Thank goodness!!

  11. Yup it’s trash tv and I love every second of it. It makes me LAUGH and cringe – all at the same time. I also love the places they travel. It’s like a travel show – no? My friends look at me in disgust for openly admitting (and I say openly bcs I think a lot of people are closet Bachelor watchers which I think is worse) to watching it – but it is too mindlessly entertaining to pass up. Thanks for your hilarious commentary – this a weekly thing?!?!?

    • Yep! We at The Dose of Reality embrace our trashy show watching with glee. We embrace it because it’s too much fun!!

      I don’t think this will be weekly thing, just whenever the mood strikes me (i.e. if something good happens on the show I can’t hold in)…but neither Ashley nor I will miss a single episode!!)

    • Yes! I will be able to include pictures of HotSean! in any further recaps…you know, to make sure you are updated appropriately! ;)

    • Nothing wrong at all, Kate!! Besides, you get to watch them go to beautiful locations, so it’s almost like a travel show! (with HotSean! being the best scenery, of course!)

  12. Well look at you all gooey and hormonally charged!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!! Please promise me we can still be friends if I tell you….the man just doesn’t do it for me. NO!!!!! Don’t cry! Oh my ears hurt….you don’t need to scream! Really…sobbing? LOL
    I go for the dark haired variety…but I could always replace his head or cut his head out and enjoy his bod. THAT I couldn’t turn down!!

    • That doesn’t bother me at all, Chris! That just leaves more HotSean! for the rest of us! (You’d totally be an Arie girl)

  13. The thing I don’t understand, after watching that video of Arie kissing Emily, is why she ever let him go, what a ditz, I will bet you she is wishing now she had stayed with “The Kissing God” and dumped little Jeffie. Why did she go with him in the first place? That was he most disappointing season of the Bachelorette I think I have ever seen. I would like to see Arie as the next Bachelor after Sean finds true love.

    • EXACTLY!! They had such great chemistry together. I’m not sure what got into her! We at The Dose of Reality firmly endorse an Arie season of The Bachelor…YES!!

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