Every woman on the planet knows what it is like to have clothes of varying sizes in her closet. You know the ones that you think to yourself, “One day, one day I will get back into those jeans.” And then there are the ones that you keep around for when you have had too much pie at Thanksgiving. We get it. We are no exception.
What we recently realized is that we have clothes in our closets that, no matter our current sizing, we would NEVER, EVER wear again. Actually, no one should be wearing them. Ever. Anywhere.
We were talking on the phone when we made the discovery. It didn’t take long for us to realize we were lucky we’d never been featured in the back of Glamour magazine with one of those Fashion Don’t black bars across our faces:
Ashley: We should do the Monday Listicles topic for next week. It’s 10 Things In Our Closets and they want pictures. You take five, and I will take five…sound good?
Lisa: Sure, but I think we should make it 10 Things Hanging In Our Closet That We’d Never Wear Anymore. Five might be hard to come by, but maybe we could do that.
Ashley: I don’t know. I’m not sure I’ll find five things that I wouldn’t wear. I’ll go get my camera.
Lisa: Me, too. Oh God, I think I’ve found at least one thing. Brace yourself, I am about to send you a picture of something.
Ashley: Oh my. Wow. Is that… a jacket?
Lisa: Yes, it is a jacket. I used to wear it with jeans and a white blouse. Can you tell from the picture that it looks like it was made from Muppet fur?
Ashley: You wore that? In public.
Lisa: Yes, otherwise the Muppets would have died in vain.
Ashley: I’m not sure I can top that, but I think I found my first entry. I am going to send you a picture right now of a blazer (Does anyone even use that term anymore?). It is definitely a doozy.
Lisa: Wait a minute, is that velvet?
Ashley: Indeed it is. And did you notice the fashionable double pocket?
Lisa: In what world does a hot pink, double pocketed, velvet blazer not beat a Muppet pelt jacket?
Ashley: Hey, at least the tag is still in it. I never actually wore it.
Lisa: Whatever you have to say to yourself to get you through the night….
Lisa: What about this dress? Do you think it’s awful enough?
Ashley: Um, yes. Yes, I do. Are those flowers on that thing? I definitely like the layered look of it best. Kind of a day to night deal, huh?
Lisa: I wore it to my brother-in-law’s wedding. The grandmother of the bride wouldn’t even have considered that if she saw it on the rack. What was I? 80?
Ashley: Maybe great grandmother of the bride….if she was also half blind. It almost looks like the material could be a chair cover.
Lisa: Yeah, if you hated the chair.
Ashley: I had a few of those types of dresses, too. Let me see if I can find my favorite. And keep in mind, I wore this a lot. And not in like 1992, but more like 2002.
Lisa: Is that oatmeal colored?
Ashley: Try gold baby. And I had no business attempting to wear a long dress like that. I am short for God’s sake. I think I even wore it to a Broadway show once.
Lisa: It really looks more oatmeal-ish to me. I love oatmeal…but not to wear.
Lisa: Okay, brace yourself for the next picture. You might want to sit down. These pants I am showing you were *my* go-to dress-up for shows pants. I wore them every time we went somewhere and I wanted to look good. I LOVED these pants. And I think that photo makes them look short. I don’t think I’m that short!
Ashley: I think The Cosby Show called and wants their wardrobe back! Those are awesome. And you are totally that short. I wonder if they would go with this sweater?
Lisa: My eyes, my eyes! You should really warn a person before you try to blind them with colors and sparkles like that.
Ashley: Right? Isn’t it just atrocious? You know what I think is crazy here? All of our horrible items make us look three times our age. What is wrong with us?
Lisa: You mean like this shirt? Back off Memaw, I saw it first!
Ashley: I’ve got one of those, too! Seriously, why would either of us ever even consider putting those on our bodies?
Lisa: Let me show this little number. I hope the picture does it justice. It is now my turn to say that the tags are still in it (thank God).
Ashley: Is that some gold lamé, I spy? Hahahahahaha! See, isn’t it nice to be able to say the tags are still in it?
Lisa: Yes. I regret mocking you for saying that about your velvet blazer now.
Ashley: I have to say, this one might be the worst of all. It’s a mu mu. And I am totally embarrassed to admit that I wore this as recently as last summer. LAST SUMMER, LISA!!!
Lisa: Oh, it’s like a mini mu mu, my friend…a mini mu mu! I didn’t know those existed. You know what? It was really hot last summer. I think you get a pass for extreme heat.
Ashley: You are sweet to try to make me feel better. I know it’s horrible. Why did I ever wear this?
Lisa: Heat does things to our minds. And the kids are home from school. It’s a bad combination.
Ashley: I was just trying to stay cool…even if I didn’t look it!
So, it turns out it was easy to find 10 things in our closet that should never see the light of day again. Make us feel better…do you have an outfit or two that would get you arrested by the fashion police, too?