Top 10 Reasons We Can Never Be The Fashion Police

Every woman on the planet knows what it is like to have clothes of varying sizes in her closet. You know the ones that you think to yourself, “One day, one day I will get back into those jeans.” And then there are the ones that you keep around for when you have had too much pie at Thanksgiving. We get it. We are no exception.

What we recently realized is that we have clothes in our closets that, no matter our current sizing, we would NEVER, EVER wear again. Actually, no one should be wearing them. Ever. Anywhere.

We were talking on the phone when we made the discovery. It didn’t take long for us to realize we were lucky we’d never been featured in the back of Glamour magazine with one of those Fashion Don’t black bars across our faces:

Ashley: We should do the Monday Listicles topic for next week. It’s 10 Things In Our Closets and they want pictures. You take five, and I will take five…sound good?

Lisa: Sure, but I think we should make it 10 Things Hanging In Our Closet That We’d Never Wear Anymore.  Five might be hard to come by, but maybe we could do that.

Ashley: I don’t know. I’m not sure I’ll find five things that I wouldn’t wear. I’ll go get my camera.

Lisa: Me, too. Oh God, I think I’ve found at least one thing. Brace yourself, I am about to send you a picture of something.

Muppet Pelt Jacket

Ashley: Oh my. Wow. Is that… a jacket?

Lisa: Yes, it is a jacket. I used to wear it with jeans and a white blouse. Can you tell from the picture that it looks like it was made from Muppet fur?

Ashley: You wore that? In public.

Lisa: Yes, otherwise the Muppets would have died in vain.

Ashley: I’m not sure I can top that, but I think I found my first entry. I am going to send you a picture right now of a blazer (Does anyone even use that term anymore?). It is definitely a doozy.

Velvet Blazer

Lisa: Wait a minute, is that velvet?

Ashley: Indeed it is. And did you notice the fashionable double pocket?

Lisa: In what world does a hot pink, double pocketed, velvet blazer not beat a Muppet pelt jacket?

Ashley: Hey, at least the tag is still in it. I never actually wore it.

Lisa: Whatever you have to say to yourself to get you through the night….

great grandmother dress

Lisa: What about this dress? Do you think it’s awful enough?

Ashley: Um, yes. Yes, I do. Are those flowers on that thing? I definitely like the layered look of it best. Kind of a day to night deal, huh?

Lisa: I wore it to my brother-in-law’s wedding. The grandmother of the bride wouldn’t even have considered that if she saw it on the rack. What was I? 80?

Ashley: Maybe great grandmother of the bride….if she was also half blind.  It almost looks like the material could be a chair cover.

Lisa: Yeah, if you hated the chair.

Ashley: I had a few of those types of dresses, too. Let me see if I can find my favorite. And keep in mind, I wore this a lot. And not in like 1992, but more like 2002.

oatmeal dress

Lisa: Is that oatmeal colored?

Ashley: Try gold baby. And I had no business attempting to wear a long dress like that. I am short for God’s sake. I think I even wore it to a Broadway show once.

Lisa: It really looks more oatmeal-ish to me. I love oatmeal…but not to wear.

Lisa: Okay, brace yourself for the next picture. You might want to sit down. These pants I am showing you were *my* go-to dress-up for shows pants. I wore them every time we went somewhere and I wanted to look good. I LOVED these pants. And I think that photo makes them look short. I don’t think I’m that short!

go-to pants

Ashley: I think The Cosby Show called and wants their wardrobe back! Those are awesome. And you are totally that short. I wonder if they would go with this sweater?

sparkle sweater

Lisa: My eyes, my eyes! You should really warn a person before you try to blind them with colors and sparkles like that.

Ashley: Right? Isn’t it just atrocious? You know what I think is crazy here? All of our horrible items make us look three times our age. What is wrong with us?

Lisa: You mean like this shirt?  Back off Memaw, I saw it first!

Ashley: I’ve got one of those, too! Seriously, why would either of us ever even consider putting those on our bodies?

fugly shirts

Lisa: Let me show this little number. I hope the picture does it justice. It is now my turn to say that the tags are still in it (thank God).

brocade jacket

Ashley: Is that some gold lamé, I spy? Hahahahahaha!  See, isn’t it nice to be able to say the tags are still in it?

Lisa: Yes. I regret mocking you for saying that about your velvet blazer now.

Ashley: I have to say, this one might be the worst of all. It’s a mu mu. And I am totally embarrassed to admit that I wore this as recently as last summer. LAST SUMMER, LISA!!!

mini mu mu winner

Lisa: Oh, it’s like a mini mu mu, my friend…a mini mu mu!  I didn’t know those existed. You know what? It was really hot last summer. I think you get a pass for extreme heat.

Ashley: You are sweet to try to make me feel better. I know it’s horrible. Why did I ever wear this?

Lisa: Heat does things to our minds. And the kids are home from school. It’s a bad combination.

Ashley:  I was just trying to stay cool…even if I didn’t look it!

So, it turns out it was easy to find 10 things in our closet that should never see the light of day again. Make us feel better…do you have an outfit or two that would get you arrested by the fashion police, too?







Top 10 Reasons We Can Never Be The Fashion Police — 57 Comments

  1. This is the best Monday listicle ever!!!
    I loved them all but my personal favorite is number 6 – it made me go…OMG for reals??!
    This is a lovely start to my Monday 😀

  2. OY! You two are totally awesome fr sharing this. I have loads of double pocketed jackets. Even a velvet one. I just don’t have any fancy occasion to wear them 😉

  3. Ahhh! The mu mu put me over the edge! This just makes me like you guys even more. I am terribly fashion-challenged, and I only recently removed my ultra-hip velvet blazer from my closet. And yep, I have 4 different sizes haunting my wardrobe, not counting the maternity stuff. LIke I’ll ever be a size 4 again?!?!?! Get real.

  4. How much of a bribe would it take for you to put on the Muppet jacket with the “go-to” pants and take a picture??
    Love this take on the list. Thanks for making me giggle and for making me feel like I’m not the only one who NEVER cleans out her closet. Ellen

  5. Ok, I’m sorry but I love your go-to pants!!! I’d beg you to send them to me, but they’d be Bermuda shorts on me! ;P

    The question is: Did you hang them back up in your closet “in case of emergencies” or put them aside to donate right away?

  6. That is awesome! The contents of my closet are basically jeans – of various sizes – and dust bunnies. I am a pretty boring closet person – definitely not fashion police material here, either! 🙂

  7. Ok paisley.. I loathe paisley with a passion. I think it stems back to when you got the sex ed classes in 4th grade and it reminds me of that horrid cartoonish film that showed sperm. Yeah you will never see me in paisley or find it in my closet. I have to laugh though because some of those things I have seen in my mom’s closet. She LOVED big prints and I would look at her and say,”Mom my boobs don’t need highlighting so no to the big stuff”.

  8. Yikes! I so have a shirt that is like the pink twin to your orange paisley shirt, Ashley! I didn’t care for it, but my sister (my blonde, blue-eyed twin sister no less) INSISTED I get it telling me it looked GREAT on me. Now I’m wondering if she was trying to wardrobe sabbotage me! Yah…She and I WILL have words! *tries to glare and be all upset, but ends up laughing because I know I have pictures of my sister wearing worse outfits than that shirt* Now I feel I should check my wardrobe for anything else that may be considered rag fodder… *goes off in search, praying to come back with nothing!!*

  9. Otherwise the muppets would have died in vain made me laugh. Some of these didn’t look bad to me, but what do I know? Maybe you could donate them to a shelter in case the women there haven’t suffered enough already.

  10. Lisa, I didn’t think you were doing that bad. I really thought that Ashley had you beat. Until I saw your go-to pants. You may need a shopping intervention. 🙂

    I won’t admit what’s in the back of my closet. I may need to wear it one day.

  11. Oh wow. Just wow. Those are all so awesomely ugly and disgusting. You guys should have a bonfire and burn them all.

    Your comments were almost as hilarious as those pictures. You guys need to go shopping and buy some hot clothes. Now I need to see pictures of clothes you do wear because I’m concerned….. 🙂

  12. Okay, so like what if you girls actually WORE those to some functions and took pictures of each other and posted it!!! Kinda like a FASHION show DARE….? Oh that would be SO freaking FUNNY!!! (at the expense of you girsl…but you’re game aren’t ya?)

  13. heahea! This made me laugh out loud! Thanks for bringing a smile to my face! It made me feel better about what’s in my own closet (which for clarification purposes, has pretty pathetic contents)…not because I have nice clothes, but I because I haven’t been bold enough to buy prints since I was in high school.

  14. Ack! I don’t even know where to start. The go-to pants, the sparkle sweater…it’s all too much awesome for me! You guys rock. That Muppet pelt jacket is the best thing ever. Solely relying on you for all my fashion advice from now on.

  15. Love this! I have some of these in my closet too! I say we all make a plan to meet for coffee one day….wearing these types of things from our own closets. Great photo op!

  16. LMAO…hysterical!!!!! You two are a hoot! I was just waiting for something with shoulder pads. You have something don’t you…just didn’t make the top ten. Haahaa!

  17. Ooooooh my god! You ladies really have some interesting things in your closets! I am dying at the fact the “muppet” blazer is actually called the MUPPET BLAZER! It does kind of look like muppet fur! Particularly that dog from the Muppet Babies! LOL!

  18. This? Was completely awesome. OMgaaahhhh. Love it.

    Those pics are killers.

    Sad to say I surely have a few things I could share. I never did link up my movies post – I wrote it but never posted it. But this? This I could do.

  19. I had this moment in my small NYC apartment with an old friend 15 years ago. It started with a very colorful sweater from Bennetton that I just had not been able to part with. I almost cried when she made me throw it out!

    But now I am all grown up and have a new set of friends. Every few months one of us cleans out our closet and makes a bag full of stuff that we leave on another’s porch. That person gets to take what they like, add in their own discards and pass it on. not only do you get a fabulous wardrobe, your friends save you from wearing anything awful because they have made you feel okay to empty out your closet regularly!

  20. You’re all laughing WITH us not AT us, right? 😉

    We assure everyone that we don’t wear any of these wardrobe pieces (anymore). We both did put everything right back in our closets, though. You never know.

  21. OMG I can’t believe two of my favorite ladies in the whole world still have those atrocities in their closets. Lisa, I may have to come to Charlotte to see them for myself. Don’t donate them or throw them away, they are collectors’ items! I’m going to look in my closet and see what I find, but I don’t think I can match you fashionistas.

  22. I am dying over here! Those are so freaking awesome. I could have added an Egyptian jumpsuit that was my go-to outfit when I had a boat ride to go to in college. Why in God’s name it was still in my closet, I have no idea. The jackets alone had me in stitches. I think I was trying, because I was short, to dress like Bea Arthur from Golden Girls with the amount of blazers with shoulder pads in them. Great post! I’ve missed you guys!

  23. This is C-L-A-S-S-I-C! Literally LOL’d multiple times.

    HOWEVER: I firmly believe that sparkle sweater does not belong here. I like it! I would wear it right now! Granted, I’m a terrible dresser and rarely wear anything other than jeans and ancient t-shirts, but I feel like a stylish person could pull that sucker off!

  24. That was an awesome list!! I have an ugly sweater in my closet that I tried to get rid of once, but it didn’t get very far. It is a short-sleeved, crocheted sweater with shoulder pads! I don’t even know where it came from, but I’m pretty sure I’ve never worn it!!

  25. {Melinda} So funny!! Kathy helped me go through my closet about a year ago. Oh, the treasures we found. You didn’t realize how ugly some of the stuff in your closet is until someone else holds it up and says, “Seriously, you’re going to wear THIS again?!”

    The crazy Go-To pants are my favorite. If it makes you feel any better, I used to have a black pair similar to that with big purple and pink paisleys. I also thought I looked so dressed up and chic. Why didn’t somebody tell me?! That was before I knew Kathy …. 🙂 She would have set me straight.

  26. The back and forth commenting on your closet choices was hysterical! And you put it all back in our closets!! Ha! I spent HOURS recently after christmas getting rid of almost everything in my closet. Do you know who was a big help? My hubby! If I was on the fence about something he would say yay or nay. It felt great to get rid of bags and bags of stuff!

  27. This post is so hilarious! My personal favorite was the Go-To pants… those were jaw droppers. It’s always interesting to dig through your closet; I don’t even want to think about all the fashion no-no’s that are in mine 🙂 Stopping by from the SITS Sharefest and loving your blog. Feel free to stop by and say hi if you get the chance 🙂 Have a great weekend!

    Diary of a Debutante

  28. Visiting from #SITSSharefest

    Oh MY! Those are some pretty hideous pieces. But such a funny story.
    I usually purge my closet every few months so I know I don’t have anything this crazy to share.

    Btw, I’m hosting a giveaway so go now to be entered t win.

  29. Love it!
    Yes, I have quite a few items….
    I actually just got rid of a blue velvet blazer, with shoulder pads. It had been my mother’s and she gave it to me when I started teaching. Thankfully I don’t think I ever wore it in public.

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