Anyone who has ever carried a purse bigger than a zippered change pouch knows that they just become dumping grounds for the most random items ever.
Find yourself in need of a nail file or a stick of gum? No worries! Just look for the nearest woman around you carrying a medium to large sized bag and wearing a look of weary exhaustion, and chances are she can hook you up with just about anything you want.
Back in the day before children took over our lives, we used to carry purses for fashion. You know, as a way to accessorize our fabulous outfits. They were certainly NOT seen as a way to carry as much stuff as possible while permanently damaging our shoulders.
Between the two of us, we could probably open a store just with the items in our purses. Granted the store would have to be called “Crap You Don’t Need Or Want”, but it would be a store nonetheless!
Hold on, because here are the completely random items we found in our purses:
#1–A Girl’s Gotta Eat Obviously, our culinary selections leave much to be desired. You can choose between a bag of Bugles from Ashley’s bag that you have not seen outside of a gas station since 1987 or a semi-flattened protein bar that has been at the bottom of Lisa’s purse for at least six months. Yum, take your pick!
#2–Blogging Necessities You never know when inspiration might strike for the world’s best post! Between the two of us, we are ready with Ashley’s notebook (given to her as a present from Lisa as a matter of fact!) and Lisa’s random assortment of pens and pencils.
#3–Disaster Preparedness If you pay attention to the interwebs, you know the Mayans really got people thinking. Now there’s a new doomsday prediction each week. The good news is that, should disaster strike when you are with us, you’re good to go. With Ashley’s weather forecaster and Lisa’s metal LED flashlight (with strobe action!) we can tell you if you’re going to need to take a coat AND light your way to the underground bunker.
#4–Gotta Keep ‘Em Covered: If you spent your time around freckle-prone people with eczema who tend to fall down a lot (No, not drunks with bad skin– our children) you’d appreciate Ashley’s bandage box and Lisa’s tubes of lotion and sunscreen like we do.
#5–We Are Quirky, So Sue Us We never go ANYWHERE without these two specific items. The balls of fabric you spy on the left are Ashley’s “movie socks”. They stay in her purse *at all times*…because you never know why you might spontaneously go to the cinema. She contends that she misses key plot points if she can’t concentrate due to toe hypothermia. Noted. The item on the right is a full-sized container of Wet Ones. Lisa is not fooled by hand gel. She knows that a crucial part of germ removal is the physical act of wiping them off your damn hands. If you are with her, these moist towelettes will be shoved in your general direction at regular intervals for your use. This is not optional. (And she will still make you wash with soap and water as soon as it’s available.)
#6–Four Eyes Without her specs, Ashley can seem aloof and standoff-ish because she can’t identify a single person she knows in Target from afar. On the other hand, Lisa’s readers keep her from randomly signing charge slips nowhere near the “sign here” line and ordering what everyone else does at lunch because she can’t read the menu.
#7–Strictly for Survival Ever try traveling for more than ten minutes with Abby? Let’s just say that for the sanity of everyone in the vehicle, Ashley having a DVD on hand is not only convenient, but necessary. Lisa doesn’t really drink water like she should. It’s especially unappealing if it’s lukewarm purse water. So clearly, having three bottles (one for herself and one for each child!) on hand that nobody is drinking makes perfect sense.
#8–Items That Would Be Great If We *Actually* Used Them If it’s really Ashley’s dream to win the lottery, why doesn’t she bother to cash her winning tickets in when she has them? How does Lisa always forget she has a reusable shopping bag with her when checking out, given that she rummages past it in her purse at least 25 times a day?
#9–Our Humble Approach To Personal Vanity The last thing Ashley ever wants to be is the woman with something stuck in her teeth. Nothing says good personal hygiene like free-floating flossers roaming around the bottom of a purse. Because Lisa hasn’t left the house without dog hair on her somewhere since the summer of 2009, she needs a mini-lint roller on hand at all times.
#10–Our Weapons Of Choice Of course we *only* use these items as they were intended, but let’s just say they *could* be lethal if you’re in a pinch and in need of self defense. Ashley’s pill splitter has the world’s tiniest razor blade hidden inside, so watch your step if you know what’s good for you! Lisa’s beloved foldable scissors could surely put the hurt on someone as long as you can unfold from their origami-like state in time!
So now you know why we risk a rotator cuff injury whenever we leave the house. And just think– we only showed you ten items. We barely scratched the surface of what lurks beneath our shoulder straps!
What are the craziest things in your purse or backpack?