Everything we need to know, we learned from Tierra on The Bachelor.
What? Haven’t you guys paid attention to the wonderful life lessons she has given us? You’ve been missing out!! Don’t worry, we’ve been taking notes.
Always pretend to be injured: Our girl Tierra knows that you’ve got to have the attention of every person in the room. The best way to do that is to conveniently collapse on the stairs…or by a lake…or, you know, just as you’re standing there. You can’t worry about the whole “crying wolf” scenario. That’s for losers. As long as all eyes are on you, it’s a win.
Who needs friends?: Being nice to other people is a drag. Other women should always be seen as rivals to be vanquished. Who cares how many feelings you hurt or toes you step on as you claw your way to the top. You know they are all just jealous of you anyway.
Unmarried women over 30 are a disgrace: Clearly, you have to be defective if you aren’t married (with kids!) by the time you hit the big 3-0. Tierra is rightfully disgusted with women who haven’t been able to bag a husband by then. It hurts to even look at those crones. They should really hide themselves in shame.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful: Grooming and personal appearance are the *most* important aspects of life. Eyebrows don’t shape themselves to perfection, you know! Activities that could cause your makeup to run are a total no-go! It’s not worth doing if you can’t look great doing it!
Don’t save the drama for your mama: Nobody likes a wallflower! You’ve got opinions and they must be shared with everyone…all the time! If people don’t like that, you should repeat the phrase, “Stop attacking me!” while you continue to attack them unmercifully. It’s so unfair! (Crying without actual tears is also helpful, and it won’t smear your makeup!)
Never let anyone steal your sparkle: Tierra’s daddy taught her from an early age that she should NEVER let anyone steal her sparkle! A man who named his daughter after a crown knows! Potential sparkle stealing situations can include (but are not limited to)– helping an old lady across the street if her shoes are prettier than yours, settling for a bikini without sequins, or wearing a ponytail if you’ve misplaced your bump-it.
Daddy knew. He did.
So thank you, Tierra. We have watched, and we have learned. We are absolutely sure that your life lessons are going to give you exactly what you deserve!
And if we may add one final life lesson of our own for your consideration…waterproof mascara should never be optional.