Remember last week when we both had to replace our air conditioners at the same time? It was an unprecedented (and thoroughly unwelcome) case of Dose Girl synchronicity.
Well, we’ve taken it up a notch…and it’s not pretty.
Yep, it’s led us to what we can only term “The Dosepocalypse”. You know, the apocalypse, but The Dose of Reality style.
Let us explain. But before we do, we’ve got to give our male readers a chance to bail. We’re about to discuss LADY BUSINESS, guys. And not the kind you might find titillating. It’s the kind you generally avoid at all costs.
Okay, here goes…we are, as of Friday, now on the EXACT SAME MONTHLY SCHEDULE. Yes, THAT monthly schedule!
For years, we have always happened to be exactly two weeks apart. It was a perfect set up. When one of us was hormonal and whipped herself into an emotional frenzy, the other was feeling good and could calmly swoop in and save the day. It was totally great.
Dose Girl 1: The worst thing in the whole world has happened! Robert stopped at the store last night, and I just saw he bought the WRONG paper towels!! How did I stupidly marry someone who can’t even distinguish regular gross Bounty from the far superior Select-A-Size rolls???!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM??!! He’s trying to say I’m SO messy I ALWAYS need a FULL size sheet, isn’t he? I also have to write tomorrow’s post and drive carpool, and I haven’t washed my hair in two days! *sob*
Dose Girl 2: You poor thing! I’ll write the post for tomorrow. No problem. Now, march right upstairs and take yourself a relaxing shower. I’ll drive carpool and stop by the grocery on my way to your house and bring you some paper towels. I’ll be driving right by Starbucks. Do you want a Grande or a Venti?
Just reverse the scenario two weeks later and repeat. See? Perfect!!
But over the past 6 months, something strange has happened. Although things have always worked like clockwork for us, Ashley started having a few months where she was late by a day or two. Lisa starting having a few months where she was early. It was downright odd.
Then, 3 days ago, THIS occurred:
Dose Girl 1: OMG!! I have a pimple on the tip of my nose and all my grey hairs are showing. I can’t even risk sweeping my kitchen because I look like a WITCH when I hold a broom. My new sunscreen is making my skin dry and greasy at the same time, and I just found out my favorite ice cream has TWO MORE WEIGHT WATCHERS POINTS than I was even counting! And I have to write tomorrow’s post!
Dose Girl 2: Nooooooooo! The under wire of my favorite bra just poked out and stabbed me! They stopped making that bra in 1999, so it can’t even be replaced! I got chocolate all over my favorite yoga pants last night, and when I went to wash them, my Woolite was completely EMPTY!!! I bet Robert used all of it washing his stupid work socks. I tried to read before going to bed, but only 2-ways of my 3-way light bulb were working on my bedside lamp! HOW CAN I READ WITH NO MEDIUM HIGH?! I still have to answer all the comments from yesterday’s post and write something new for the day after tomorrow!
Dose Girl 1: *sob* *sob* *yells at kids* *sob*
Dose Girl 2: *sob* *sob* *yells at husband* *sob*
It’s the Dosepocalypse. Run for your lives.