Dosepocalypse: It’s Worse Than Living In A Sorority House

Remember last week when we both had to replace our air conditioners at the same time? It was an unprecedented (and thoroughly unwelcome) case of Dose Girl synchronicity.

Well, we’ve taken it up a notch…and it’s not pretty.

Yep, it’s led us to what we can only term “TheΒ Dosepocalypse”. You know, the apocalypse, but The Dose of Reality style.

Let us explain. But before we do, we’ve got to give our male readers a chance to bail. We’re about to discuss LADY BUSINESS, guys. And not the kind you might find titillating. It’s the kind you generally avoid at all costs.

Okay, here goes…we are, as of Friday, now on the EXACT SAME MONTHLY SCHEDULE. Yes, THAT monthly schedule!

oh-no

For years, we have always happened to be exactly two weeks apart. It was a perfect set up. When one of us was hormonal and whipped herself into an emotional frenzy, the other was feeling good and could calmly swoop in and save the day. It was totally great.

Dose Girl 1: The worst thing in the whole world has happened! Robert stopped at the store last night, and I just saw he bought the WRONG paper towels!! How did I stupidly marry someone who can’t even distinguish regular gross Bounty from the far superior Select-A-Size rolls???!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM??!! He’s trying to say I’m SO messy I ALWAYS need a FULL size sheet, isn’t he? I also have to write tomorrow’s post and drive carpool, and I haven’t washed my hair in two days! *sob*

Dose Girl 2: You poor thing! I’ll write the post for tomorrow. No problem. Now, march right upstairs and take yourself a relaxing shower. I’ll drive carpool and stop by the grocery on my way to your house and bring you some paper towels. I’ll be driving right by Starbucks. Do you want a Grande or a Venti?

Just reverse the scenario two weeks later and repeat. See? Perfect!!

But over the past 6 months, something strange has happened. Although things have always worked like clockwork for us, Ashley started having a few months where she was late by a day or two. Lisa starting having a few months where she was early. It was downright odd.

Then, 3 days ago, THIS occurred:

Dose Girl 1: OMG!! I have a pimple on the tip of my nose and all my grey hairs are showing. I can’t even risk sweeping my kitchen because I look like a WITCH when I hold a broom. My new sunscreen is making my skin dry and greasy at the same time, and I just found out my favorite ice cream has TWO MORE WEIGHT WATCHERS POINTS than I was even counting! And I have to write tomorrow’s post!

Dose Girl 2: Nooooooooo! The under wire of my favorite bra just poked out and stabbed me! They stopped making that bra in 1999, so it can’t even be replaced! I got chocolate all over my favorite yoga pants last night, and when I went to wash them, my Woolite was completely EMPTY!!! I bet Robert used all of it washing his stupid work socks. I tried to read before going to bed, but only 2-ways of my 3-way light bulb were working on my bedside lamp! HOW CAN I READ WITH NO MEDIUM HIGH?! I still have to answer all the comments from yesterday’s post and write something new for the day after tomorrow!

Dose Girl 1: *sob* *sob* *yells at kids* *sob*

Dose Girl 2: *sob* *sob* *yells at husband* *sob*

It’s the Dosepocalypse. Run for your lives.

The Dose of Witchy


Comments

Dosepocalypse: It’s Worse Than Living In A Sorority House — 132 Comments

  1. You guys! We must totally be in synch because I’m right there with you!

    Mine started today, an exact week late. It was supposed to be perfect, completely over by our flight date. Now I’m probably going to be the lady with the screaming kid and unslghtly stains on her rear!!

    • OH NO!! Having to fly during this time is THE WORST!! We are rocking in the corner for you right now!!

  2. Ah, just another amazing part of being a woman! I’m actually surprised it took you ladies this long to match schedules!! Look at it this way – it makes for great posting:-) Good luck!!

  3. You did have the perfect arrangement! What a difference a couple of weeks can make!
    Also, I completely relate to paper towel loyalty – I get attached to these things.

    • Paper towels are serious business and when the purchase is screwed up there really can be hell to pay! πŸ˜‰

  4. OMG…I so feel your pain ladies…the crappy part of being a woman. It’s so weird how that happens…guess your hubbies and kids will be hiding together, LOL

    • LOL Karen! They will be hiding together…in fact now that you mention that they were together all day Saturday! πŸ˜‰

  5. Add me to your list, because I too am getting me period this week, lol!! I knew I loved you ladies, but seriously now we are all on the same cycle, too. Trust me though it isn’t pretty around here either and yup my husband pretty much runs for the hills, too!!!

    • Oh my Gosh, maybe it should be our goal to make this go global to our WHOLE blogging tribe! πŸ˜‰ :)

  6. Ack! I’m so in on this because Friday was the day for me too! But seriously, you guys kill it. I’m dying. Dosepocalypse or not, I’m hanging with your humor to the ends of this earth. Love it!

    • We knew we loved you Meredith! Clearly the universe just wanted lots of fun people to be in the same boat on Friday! πŸ˜‰

  7. I’m sorry I’m laughing at your horrifying situation. This is truly dire. The only solution I can think of is if one of you has another baby to reset the cycle. Can’t wait to hear who takes one for the team!

    • Oh yes, Amy, the only thing worse than being on the same cycle would be adding a pregnancy and infant to the mix…okay, fine, I’ll let Lisa do it! πŸ˜‰

      • It is so nice of you to volunteer her uterus! But seriously girls, you MUST be spending too much time together. Bonus, you know when you’ll both be bitchy, so you can bitch together. :-)

  8. My question is how have ya’ll been friends this long and that NOT happen?? My girlfriend up the road and I are within days of each other. My husband hides the kids when he knows its coming, he knows my schedule better than I do.. Today I would rather be on my period than dealing with the fact I cannot lift my arms above my head and turning my neck to the right sends searing pain down my back..

  9. Oh no! This IS awful!

    But I am also surprised it took you guys that long. πŸ˜‰

    Your poor family members might need to scoop you both up and send you away to a nice resort for the week… Ehem, this is not that bad of an idea, you know? Be sure to tell them you have a friend in Durham who needs a time out, too!

    • You know what…they SHOULD send us away for a week and let us bring our friends (how fast can you be in Charlotte??)!! Really, that would be the LEAST they could do, right?! πŸ˜‰

  10. Wow! I would have thought you two were not only on the same cycle, but that cosmically, you both got your “visitor” first time ever at the same exact hour on the same exact day. Twilight Zone. In all seriousness, hope you both are on the up and up. And I highly respect that you make it a point to answer all blog comments. You’re wonderful.

    • It was practically that way this time Tamara!! Seriously, insane! You are so sweet…we love answering comments! :)

  11. Ha! That’s terrible but funny! We have three daughters who are just 10, 8, & 5 right now, But, my husband swears if all four of us get on the same cycle when they are older that he is going out of town that week every time! :-)

  12. I’m also surprised that it took you two this long to synch up! But I’m hating it for you that you are! Quick, someone go to Starbucks and help ease the horrificness of the situation! I grew up with 3 sisters. I know how terrible it is to have multiple women all PMSing together.

  13. Thanks for the Guy Warning, but still a funny column.
    Also, you are correct that select-a-sheet paper towels are better.

  14. You two are so funny! I used to work on an OB/Gyn office, and all the ladies who worked in the office and still had that monthly visitor were ALL….yes ALL…at the same time/week. Imagine the fun for our male boss. The bright side? The office was quite calm 3 out of 4 weeks each month!!

  15. First thank you so much for my Monday morning gut laugh. I needed it! Second it was only bound to happen. Once you are round a woman enough the universe syncs it for you!! I also hollered at the broom, my hubby promptly looks at the calendar when I have outbursts…and he is usually right. smh.

  16. I feel so sorry for you but I’m past menopause so I’m no longer cursed. I’ll just commiserate on the sidelines and soak in your hilarious posts. It had to happen sooner or later.

  17. It’s the last final step of true friendship…when your cycles sync… I think back to my high school cheerleading squad…. not too hard, because I’m a little scarred by all those synced up hormones!

    If it makes you feel better, my transmission went last week… on a 5 year old car… with 60,000 miles on it!

    • *Gulp* My time is coming. Lucy’s 9 so I don’t have much time to wait. THAT’S at least one thing you don’t have to worry about when you have a boy!

    • Hahahahaha. Thanks, Ilene!! I’m glad you’re not PMSing because SOMEONE has got to be level headed around here!!

  18. This was so hilarious! I am the oldest of 5 girls and at one point, we were all on the same schedule. Can you imagine the bitchiness and emotions that flowed through our house? I nearly spit out my tea because I have actually yelled at Leo for not getting the Select-a-Size. I think I might have even called him the “I” word. The one that rhymes with schmidiot.

  19. Wow, I’m amazed you ladies lasted this long unsynchronized! I hope you make it through the double Dose of crazy hormones….at least for the rest of the time you will both be sane :-)

    • That’s a very good way of looking at it. Maybe we’ll be uber productive when we are BOTH in our prime at the same time!! I guess we’ll see!!

  20. Bwahahaha. I am surprised it took that long they say the more you hang around your friends the more likely it is you all will fall into that womenhood mess around the same time. My thing is some women walk around like they never get it bopping around like they have no cares in the world I be wondering about them……

    • Who are these women? I will give an automatic side-eye to anyone who bebops around like it’s nothing!! That’s just not normal! πŸ˜€

  21. I am laughing so hard, I shed a tear. DWL!!! I’m with everyone else who’s surprised it took so long. you ladies are seriously too funny. Btw, I absolutely agree, if it’s not select a size, it’s the wrong size. lol

    • You’ve got it, Hope. Select-A-Size is the only way to go! I don’t know why it took us so long to synch up. It was nice while it lasted!

  22. I know I sound like a broken record (yes, I am old enough to still have owned a record player when it was state-of-the-art equipment), but you girls are THE BEST.
    I wanna be in sync, too πŸ˜‰

    • Me too, Kerstin! I remember having one player where you had to tape a penny to the arm so the needle wouldn’t skip. Ah…the good old days!

      You synch right on up over here. We’ll make it a trio of terror!! πŸ˜€

  23. I’ve always heard it to be true that the people you spend the most time with cycles will start to sync together. When in college, my roomates and I would have our cycles at the same time! It was horrible around that time of the month!

    • Right?! Our husbands are probably huddled in the corner wondering what to do now. We’ll see how it goes. They might be scarred for life.

  24. HAAAAAAA!!!! The pics completely did me in! I can’t stop laughing. (Chanting, “Please don’t get me fired, please don’t get me fired.) I come from a family full of women. I don’t know how it happens but it happens. Look on the brightside, if you run out of “ammunition” your girlfried will have backup in her in purse.

    • Your bright side of things made me laugh for 5 minutes straight, Andrea!! YES. THAT is totally a silver lining in this gray cloud!! πŸ˜€

  25. You guys had it easy…pray that the schedules will change again because having the same frequency of PMSIng is not going to be a good thing……

    My suggestion..no blog posts during that week…or schedule one in advance…Ashley stays in her home listening to her ipod and watching either Friends or Seinfield (i forget which one she likes) and Lisa stays in her house getting up a few more bad pinterest nightmares and you avoid each other like the plague…

    • I don’t know, Khloe. When I’m irritated with my husband and/or kids, I HAVE to talk to Ashley. I’m not sure I can be without my irritation support person during that vital time of the month…even if she is crabby, too. But we may have to start scheduling blog posts in advance!!! That could come in very handy!!

  26. Okay, here’s how I solved that problem (not really, the massive fibroid I had solved this problem — and yes I have pictures of it to reminisce because it was the size of a grapefruit and my doctor was so kind as to keep me in surgery for hours because he knew if he cut open my stomach and left a scar that he’d be done)….get rid of those parts your not using. LOL! No uterus no issues. As if. I still have my ovaries which have all the hormones. Okay, I have no real advice.

    Maybe I should put that picture up on Pinterst? hmmmm?

    I wish you both luck! :)

  27. Oh my God, girls!!! This was so freaking funny, I am peeing my pants! That witcher (witch picture) is one of the most hiliarious things I have ever seen!!!!! I also read your bios finally and I am still laughing from those too! Paper towels–that is priceless! I am sharing these laughs today! Thanks so much!

    • Hahahaha. Thanks, Karen! We’re a mess over here in Charlotte today. It’s not a pretty sight!!

      I now have two new words from you today the fudget-it (fun on a budget) and witcher (witch picture). Keep it up!! πŸ˜€

  28. Hahahah that is hilarious and simultaneously awful.

    I think women should get to go back to when we all just gathered in a tent on our periods. Except it would obviously be at an air conditioned house that is well stocked with ice cream and Snickers. And Kleenex. And correctly sized paper towels. Although, we might accidentally start World War 7 or whatever one we’re currently on now.

    • I think you’re on to something there, Tara. An air conditioned Red Tent with never ending chocolate and ice cream. Yep, I’m totally down with that!!

    • There you go! It was bound to happen sooner or later, I guess. We’re lucky it was “later”!! At least we had a bunch of good years!!

  29. I thought the air conditioner was pretty bad, but this!! You poor things!!! I must say though I agree with Alexa, I would have thought you guys would have synched up a long time ago. Sorry!

    Thanks for making me laugh! I love coming here!

    • Hahaha. Thanks, Kathy! The air conditioner was bad, but this seems just SO MUCH MORE UNFAIR!! (and it will probably have more lasting consequences). GAH!!

  30. Melinda beat me at the “one up”. Yep.. we get that in our house, too and to think I have 2 more to add to the mix soon. But there is good news… those 5 days may be brutal, but it beats the hell out of 10 (and soon to be 20) days!!

    • Way to see the glass as half full Kristen…we can tell you are non-hormonal right now, right?! πŸ˜‰

  31. I can’t believe that it took so long for you to synchronize!! My Step daughter just got hers for the FIRST time right on the same day as I got mine this week. Yikes. I feel for the boys in our house if we stick to this schedule!!

  32. HAHA!! Oh no!! You poor ladies. I completely understand. My junior year of college I lived with 3 other girls. About 3 months into the year, we synced. 4 girls. One house. Same time. Oh yeah… I COMPLETELY understand.

  33. In high school the entire women’s track team would sync up. It made for one miserable week a month for our (male) coach. Now I have synced up WITH THE DOG. And she is fixed…but still has symptoms. You don’t think a dog can PMS? I beg to differ.

  34. OMG, how can something be simultaneously so hilarious and yet so tragic! What a ripoff! This cracked me up, and though the Dosepaco…OK, I give up… is very bad timing, I’m SO glad you two have each other! Misery loves company! (I also loved your *warning* at the top- priceless!) I’m sending you a virtual Venti Macchiato!

    • Awww, thanks Stephanie! That virtual macchiato was DELICIOUS!! Even better than what our husbands did for us, which was NOTHING! πŸ˜‰

  35. In good news, that means you should be happy (happier) together for more weeks per month, right? (Now I’m going to duck before I get a pint of chunky monkey to the head!)

    • Great point Leslie…and we would NEVER throw ice cream…don’t worry! πŸ˜‰ We would just eat it!

  36. Ha! I’m actually about to start. I’ve been eating a lot of chocolate. Though, if I’m being honest, I eat a lot of chocolate regardless. But I tend to crave it even more when I’m about to start.

  37. You girls will be a RIOT when menopause starts… just sayin’! How can you still be so hilarious and adorable and down right LOVEABLE even during “shark week”??? Too funny!! You girls. Ah… cracking me UP!! πŸ˜‰

  38. I hear you on this one – I have always been a teacher and it NEVER EVER fails that we all end up on the same cycle … NOT GOOD AT ALL!!! πŸ˜‰

    • Excellent advice, Jennifer. I feel a wave of chocolaty happiness starting to sweep over me already!

  39. That is definitely a level of best friendness I won’t ever achieve with mine living in NYC. I don’t think there is virtual synching!

    • I wouldn’t be too sure, Kate. It seems that we don’t even see each other that much over the summer. I mean, we talk on the phone daily obvi, but we only actually lay eyes on each other 3 times a week or so. I think it was mostly done via the phone lines!!

  40. They say this happens with girls that spend a lot of time together, and I believe it! Happened with my twin and I quite often (still does), happened with my roommates in college and I at times (Seriously, 4 or 5 girls all on the same cycle within a few days is NUTS, especially when you share a room and 1 bathroom!), and it even has happened *gulps* with quite a few of my dormmates and I in college (Totally scary…Throw chocolate and run, scary! With this situation it was one girl would start and then it was almost domino effect. And there were like 20 to 25+ girls in those dorms! YIKES!). I always seem to be on the same cycle as at least one of my female friends…So wild…and terrifying!

  41. Y’all are too funny, and as close as you are, I too am surprised this syncing up didn’t happen sooner. I used to sync up monthly schedules to whoever I was living with at the time. First my mom, then every college roommate…it made for interesting living situations. No wonder when I finally got married and lived with only a man, my cycle didn’t know what to do was unpredicatable and then a nice 34-35 days long. 3 sons later, and the darn visitor barely makes it 28 days before returning and I get witchier by the month. Where’s the off switch? I’m done with babymaking, can’t we just turn off the torture?

    Good luck ladies, wishing you sweet Starbucks and comfy pajama pants for the next week!

    • That’s exactly how we feel, Tanya. We’re totally done with the whole baby thing we want the off switch, too! I guess it will happen in time…leaving plenty of room for misery until then, of course!

  42. Awwn! I feel for you girls. During my time of the month I’m all tears and tantrums and my husband has no idea what to do. So I get how hard it would be with no one to cheer you up.

    • Exactly, Xae! All this time we’ve been counting on each other to get us through…and now there’s NOBODY!!! Maybe we will be able to enjoy being miserable together, though. We’ll try to make that work for us.

  43. OMG. Hilarious! Also, this is a common thing. When you are arund someone a lot finding yourself on the same “schedule” every month can definitely happen. Thank god I moved out of my Mom’s house before all 3 of my sisters started getting their “time of the month”!

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