Dear Mike Fleiss, ruler of our Monday nights, producer of the finest reality programming ever to grace our television screens, and mastermind behind the entire Bachelor empire:
It is time to get serious. No more fun and games.
Time is running out on Denise’s season of The Bachelorette (thank God!), which means that you must choose the next Bachelor right now. It’s decision time, Mr. Fleiss. The way we see it, you have three ways to go here.
1) You can choose the man, the myth, the legend…the one who makes hearts race, lips purse, and who caused the biggest swooning epidemic since Leo and Kate stood on the bow of that ship. A man so hot air conditioners spontaneously combust in his presence, so smart he uses proper grammar (and you *know* how rare that is for someone involved with The Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise), and with such a great sense of humor that he laughs when we take his flat likeness out on adventures!
The choice that any right thinking person would make: Arie Luyendyk Jr.
2) One of the “special” guys currently courting Debra this season. This gives you Chris–a guy who pops his suit jacket collar (something we didn’t even do in the 80’s…we know, we were young back then), Brooks–an adult who has not yet mastered the art of the daily shampoo and sports the Canadian tuxedo look regularly, Zak–who started this show without a shirt and is leaving it without dignity, or Drew–who is handsome, kind, sweet and so obviously gay that we really have a friend who we want to set him up with (Doug? Are you reading this?).
3) Third time’s a charm for Brad Womack.
The third option leaves us feeling desperate, hopeless, and praying for a cable outage.
The second option is the worst possible scenario since Michael Jackson walked Liza Minnelli down the aisle to marry David Gest. Besides being bad dressers and somewhat hygiene challenged, this crop of suitors is BORING. B-O-R-I-N-G. We have already had to endure Daphne’s snoozefest of a season and cannot possibility take another second of these fellas.
That really leaves you with only one clear choice, Fleiss.
Surely you are picking him, right, Mike? RIGHT, MIKE?!?
We know you are a busy mogul with lots of things to do, so we took the liberty of mocking up a few potential Bachelor Arie dates using our Flat Arie. We used ourselves as stand-ins for the contestants. (Sorry, we are not actually available for filming…we don’t live near L.A. and our passports are expired). [And, we are married.-Lisa] [Oh yeah, that, too.-Ashley]
We think the perfect spot for this would be in Branson, Missouri. That would be a step up from Pigeon Forge where you sent him the last time, right?
You’ve got to put him in his element, duh! He’ll take the pole position. Oh, yeah.
We know you’ve got to have the cross-promotional movie date each season! Hello there Lone Ranger 2!!
See, wouldn’t those be great?
So, grab a rowboat and stay tuned to your Twitter feed…it is about to get flooded.
PSSSSST: Hey Dose Peeps, we need your help now. Remember last time we had an Arie Twitter campaign? You all tweeted your hearts out, and one lucky Dose Peep won the prize of a lifetime for her efforts.
Well, we are doing it again!
The Arie Dream Date Prize Pack will include (but is not limited to):
- Your very own Flat Arie for photo ops and wherever else your imagination takes you.
- A dining experience (if we can find a BOGO entree coupon that hasn’t expired in our Citipass Coupon books).
- One AMC movie pass and a certificate for 2 small sodas at your nearest Regal Cinema (sorry these are for different movie theaters, but it is all we have leftover from our birthday gifts).
- A movie so exciting and special we guarantee it will take up permanent residence in your DVD player. We will not reveal the title of this film until we award the prize package because you’d be too excited to tweet properly, but we’ve already purchased it from Amazon.com and it features Arie himself. (Get your minds out of the gutter. It is wholesome and fun for the whole family!)
- And more, more, more within the confines of our dollar aisle budget and our limited imaginations (Remember, our last actual dates occurred before the Internet or cell phones existed and back when the Model-T was a happen’ ride).
Stumped on what to say? NO PROBLEM!! Here are some sample tweets that you can cut and paste:
~@fleissmeister don’t let America & @TheDoseTweets down. You love America, don’t you? http://www.thedoseofreality.com/2013/07/15/arie-2/ Pick @ariejr to be The Bachelor
~@fleissmeister there is only ONE choice for the next #Bachelor and it’s @ariejr ! Make @TheDoseTweets happy! http://www.thedoseofreality.com/2013/07/15/arie-2/
~@ariejr will make hearts race as the next #Bachelor & @TheDoseTweets are revved up to tell @fleissmeister about it! http://www.thedoseofreality.com/2013/07/15/arie-2/
In case you need any further reason to go on this Twitter campaign with us, you should know that our previous winner Kat Biggie had her life changed forever when she won the Ultimate Kissing Prize Pack…
“When my package arrived from The Dose Girls, and I saw my very own Flat Arie my life truly began. Up until that moment I didn’t really know what happiness looked like. Now, Flat Arie sleeps with me (my husband has fully embraced our new bedmate!), he rides in the car with me, and my daughter wants to take him to school for show and tell (yeah right!). Dose Girls, I will gladly accept a rose from you any day because winning the Ultimate Kissing Prize Pack is better than winning the lottery!” -Kat Biggie**
**Disclaimer: Her actual statement was, “Hey, thanks.” We read between the lines.
Because this Twitter campaign is SO IMPORTANT, we are running it for 2 weeks. So, between right this minute and 11:00 p.m. on Tuesday, July 23rd tweet as much as your fingers will allow. Each tweet is a separate entry. Go to Twitter jail if have to. Mark it on your to-do list so you remember to tweet it every day. More is definitely better. This mission is just that important.
It’s so important, in fact, that if The Dose Nation makes it happen, we will not only recap EVERY SINGLE Arie filled episode (oh, yes we will)…we will even treat you to our first official VLOG ever! (No, that’s not a threat. It’s a promise. You’re welcome.)
We will announce the winner of The Arie Dream Date Prize Pack in a very special post on Thursday, August 1st.
Stay tuned and tweet like it’s your day job!
No Flat Arie’s were harmed in the writing of this post. Any resemblance to the real Arie is totally intentional because…have you SEEN him?! Wow! All references to the Bachelor empire and its lord, Mike Fleiss, were only meant to entice and encourage Tweeting. The Dose Girls were in no way compensated for their efforts or encouraged by ABC, Arie Luyendyk, Jr. or Mike Fleiss. We have the Cease and Desist orders to prove it. We just love America and want what’s best for Bachelor viewers everywhere!
PS. You didn’t really think we’d leave you hanging without THE KISSING VIDEO, did you? You know we love you more than that!