Chapter 3: Going Home From The Hospital Is NOT A Rom Com + a Giveaway!

I’d thought about it so many times. I knew EXACTLY how it would happen. Coming home from the hospital with my first-born was going to be magical.

He’d look up at me and coo in contentment while wearing an adorable little monogrammed outfit with a matching blanket. I would look fashionable, yet appropriately maternal, in a flattering dress with color coordinated flats and accessories. People would smile at our picture perfect happiness as we were wheeled out the lobby to the car. Our new lives as a small family would begin flawlessly!

Well, this is not a Hollywood rom com, and I’m not Katherine Heigl. That’s not even remotely how things went down when I came home from the hospital with Bobby.

When my water broke at work five (almost six) weeks before my due date it was problematic. You see, I’d been planning to do a lot of shopping for onesies, blankets, and general baby gear when I began my maternity leave from work–a maternity leave that wasn’t due to start for 2 more weeks.

Oh, I wasn’t completely unprepared!! I had already gotten a custom upholstered glider with coordinated crib bedding and a step stool with his name painted on it. You know, the essentials.

Not only was I lacking in hooded baby towels or diaper wipe warmers, I didn’t have much for me either. My “going to the hospital” suitcase looked exactly like this:

My Suitcase

I had been planning on packing that when my maternity leave began, too. Oops.

But it’s okay! The hospital automatically put my baby in a t-shirt, hat, and blanket! They even gave this new mom an awesome gown that tied in the back! (L&D tip: they’ll totally give you a second one to wear backwards as a robe if you ask nicely!) Throw in the giant netted postpartum underwear they provided, and I was set!

My husband had been great, too. Since my water broke at work, he’d taken all my clothes home to wash and brought me an outfit to wear home. He even went to the store all by himself and got some things for the baby! I knew right then that I had chosen wisely when it came to picking the father of my children.

And then I got dressed.

The man I had pledged my life to for all eternity and to whom I’d been married for six years at the time, handed me earrings, a white v-neck t-shirt, and non-maternity jeans. These items, and only these items, were what he brought for me to wear home from the hospital.

This brand new nursing mama had no bra, no shoes, and jeans I couldn’t zip up even half way. When questioned he said, “I don’t wear bras, so I didn’t think about that.” My lactating breasts were scandalized.

He’d done slightly better for our son. He brought him a bib and a pair of socks. Did you know that hospitals don’t let you take home their baby blankets and t-shirts? Neither did I until that day.

So my first born did not leave the hospital in the smocked, monogrammed outfit of my dreams, but rather in a bib while wrapped in a tennis towel snatched from the gym bag in my husband’s trunk. And, despite the fact that I had not been bra-less in public since 1981, that’s how I found myself in jeans that wouldn’t zip and sporting paper flip flops I found in my purse left over from my last pedicure.

That was my first lesson in what parenting is actually like. As MAM points out in their Real Parenting Guide there is no class that can prepare you for the reality of having children. It is not always picture perfect, but even the “less than desirable” photo op moments lead to memories you treasure and even laugh about later. (Much, much later in this case).

you'd never know

Our story is Chapter 3 in the MAM Blogger Real Parenting Guide. If you liked this “unglamorous” look at parenting then we encourage you to read other chapters and find out more about all the stuff that MAM makes to make the job of parenting easier.


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Chapter 3: Going Home From The Hospital Is NOT A Rom Com + a Giveaway! — 214 Comments

  1. I can’t wait to check out the MAM Real Parenting Guide! Congrats on being a contributor!! The best/funniest thing during labor with my first was when the doc told me, as he was prepping my AMAZING epidural, that I was so skinny. Here I was, in full blown labor & as big as a house, and this guy was telling me how svelte I was. I immediately proclaimed my love & devotion to this man! Not only did he have the drugs but he’d just paid me the best timed compliment EVER! Apparently fit mamas are not the norm in our local hospital!

    • He totally knew what he was doing, Nicole!! You got a great epidural and the best compliment ever. He is a bedside manner champion!! 🙂

  2. Oh, gosh! How funny! He doesn’t wear a bra so really, how can you blame him for that? You guys are the best story tellers ever. I don’t have anything funny…here’s the closest. When I was in labor with Lucas I did not have any drugs. I had been in labor for days. When it finally got to the point where it hurt I was told it was too late. After about 10 minutes of this horrific pain I looked at the nurse and asked her if I could get “Even a #$!@# aspirin!?!” to which she responded no. Of course.

    • Hahahahahaha. NO. GAH!!!!! You poor thing!! These are the kinds of stories we can laugh about…in hindsight!! 😀

  3. First of all, so true. I thought I would bring my daughter home as a first time parent and she would sleep at night. So not the case and the first night alone was a real eye opener when she screamed from 11 pm to 3 am turing herself shades of red I didn’t know possible. Now I know she had colic, but back then was I in for a rude awakening! The funniest thing said during labor was not by me, but my husband, who asked, “Are you in pain?” Yeah, right!!

    • Poor guys. They can’t win. Are you in pain? Hahahahahaha. Um…yes, yes I am. Hahahahahaha. 😀
      (My first was not a sleeper. It was hideous. I can barely remember my first few months of motherhood because I was psychotic from sleep-deprivation.)

  4. Oh my gosh this was so funny I had tears running down my face by the time I got to the tennis towel part!!

    My husband brought two pairs of socks instead of socks and mittens and they wouldn’t let us leave without the mittens (why!?!?). We put the socks on his hands and hit the road.

    I think the funniest thing said during my labor might have been when I went in for a scheduled appointment at 36 weeks and they strapped me into the machine that measures contractions, just as a normal part of the appointment. Turns out I was having contractions every 5 minutes and I had no clue! None! I thought that was him kicking! I was having a c section so they told me I had to have him that night. I had parent teacher conferences the next day, and told them so! They agreed to let me try, and I made it through the last one and then rushed to the hospital and had him that evening.

    Anyway, I’m not a US resident, just can’t resist telling stories. 🙂

    • OMG!! You were having contractions 5 minutes apart and you didn’t even know…and then you still put of having the baby so you could hit a parent/teacher conference first?!!?!!! THAT is a mom for you!! You know those conferences are hard to reschedule so you’ve got to multi-task it!!

  5. Oh my gosh so funny and what a handsome young man too. My first came almost 2 weeks late and they had to take him because I was losing fluids so no stories to tell my second came 2 weeks early by c section because they were concerned that I was not gaining any weight so they went on and took the baby

    • Thanks, Kita. Both of those situations must have made you really anxious! You had two weeks early and two weeks late! There’s a symmetry to that!!

  6. I die. I love this so much.

    I had some of the crazy drug during labor. Stadol or something that’s supposed to “take the edge off” (cough, cough, BS). It made me nuts and I told my husband thank you for fixing the kitchen chairs. I remember saying it. Clearly it was critical. Never mind that he did it several months earlier. Right.

    p.s. Way cool on being in the guide. p.s.s. The link to it isn’t working, where it says MAM Blogger Real Parenting Guide. :[

    • Oh, yes!!! STADOL…that is the name alright!! Hahahahaha. I’m sure it *was* important to thank him for fixing the chairs months earlier during your labor. Hahahahaha!

      Gah! We’ll look at the link and get it fixed!! Thanks for letting us know.

  7. My labor with my second progressed rather quickly, and I got to the point where I felt I needed to push while I was still in the L&D waiting room because the asshat at the desk (sorry) didn’t think I “looked” like I needed a room yet and they were full. After yelling something at her (I don’t remember exactly what) I said WELL I JUST BLED ALL OVER YOUR COUCH! Why I thought that would make her pay attention to me finally, I don’t know. (BTW, at that point I was 10 cm, 100% effaced, with the head crowning and STILL in the waiting room. They finally took me to triage and J was born like 5 minutes later. Only because it probably took that long to get my maternity jeans off.)

  8. I don’t know if I said anything particularly funny during labor. But I do remember that my husband was sitting next to my hospital bed, and with his feet up on the bed, shaking them. My friend was there, and noticing the look of pain on my face while he shook the bed during my (non-medicated) contractions, she finally whisper-yelled at him that if he wanted to keep those feet, he should use them to take a walk, and think about not shaking my bed anymore.

    • Hahahahaha. I’m so glad your friend noticed that!! Poor guys, they just don’t know what to do…or to bring us bras. 😀

  9. Oh NO! I can only imagine! You poor poor thing!!! And I thought being so young and naive that you didn’t realize baby clothes came in different sizes so your baby came home with his pants rolled up and drowning in his onesie was bad. And that was only #1, #2 was born on April fools day so I had to call my mother to watch #1 BEFORE 12:00 because she otherwise wouldn’t answer the phone. And then I couldn’t tell anyone (in text or FB message) that baby was there until I could load a pic along with it….Then there was my in-laws….

    • APRIL FOOLS DAY??!!! OMG!! First of all that would be an AWESOME day to have a birthday…unless you couldn’t get your mom to pick up the phone and NOBODY WOULD BELIEVE YOU HAD THE BABY!

  10. Too funny! I had horrible labors and I don’t really remember much of what I said in labor that might be amusing, but I do remember a certain doctor making the comment “I have given you enough for a horse,” when I asked for more drugs due to the fact that I’d had the epidural and it was not working. Back then I had really fast metabolism…after my epidural with my first, I got up and walked to the bathroom, which shocked everyone because they kept telling me I would fall down and I insisted so my husband was there to catch me. Then this stupid comment was made with my second child. Thank you very much, epidurals don’t work on me!!! They offered one with my third child and I said no way am I going to have a painful needle in my back when I get no relief from it! ugh!

    • Hahahaha. Who knew that you are invincible to epidurals. That’s a shame!! At least you knew by the third time!! 🙂

  11. hahahhaha this is great! the first thought that popped into my mind was – “pedicure flip flops! brilliant! i should keep some in my purse too, just in case.” granted, im not pregnant, i dont see a situation popping up that i would be shoeless, but thats the POINT. nobody ever does. im taking tips on parenting and life from y’all.

    • This is why we were meant to be friends, Charlotte. You just get it. EXACTLY!! One NEVER EVER thinks they will be shoeless at any point…but sooner or later…BAM! That’s precisely why I’m so glad I didn’t trash the pedi flip flops when I had a chance. Even though I would not have thought it possible, I would have looked 100% worse leaving the hospital braless, SHOELESS, and wearing pants I couldn’t zip up.

  12. This is a great story Lisa, I started laughing when I read what your husband brought you to wear. I can’t really blame him, much, pretty funny.

    • Why didn’t I make a list for him, Bill? I just assumed that someone who had been married to me for SIX YEARS (at that point) would know that I required undergarments. It was my fault, really.

  13. Oh my heavens! That is insane! My first born was born the day before what was supposed to be his baby shower! Since we hadn’t been released yet, my hubby, mom and sister went to the baby shower in my place. I was told it was taped, but to this day, I have not seen it – almost 11 years later!

    As to the craziest thing I said in labor…I remember begging for a c-section with my first because the epidural they gave me had slipped out of place and wasn’t working and the pitocin they’d given me was making my contractions over a minute long and about a minute and a half apart. That’s right – I had about 10 seconds of rest between them. Talk about ouch! Ironically, I never had thoughts of banishing my hubby to the couch for life or divorce. I only had thoughts of “Get my son out of me NOW!”

    Other than begging for a c-section and insisting I couldn’t handle it, I do remember saying something about (forgive the TMI) stool. Apparently it is normal to sometimes have a BM or a few while pushing…and unfortunately I had that problem and begged them to not let me sit in that and to either take care of it or let me take care of it! LOL 🙂 Not my finest hour for sure, but they did help me out! LOL And I remember being extra mortified because not only were my hubby, mom and sister in the room but also the doctor a few nurses and some residence and maybe even some students as well – It was like 10 people or more! Yah, we had a party! (Hey, I didn’t care as long as that baby came out!)

    But the funniest thing to my sister, or rather the craziest and most ironic thing, that I said was after my son was finally out and I got to hold him. I said, “I could do that again.” I thought my sister was gonna have a heart attack. I know what she was thinking, “Not an hour ago you were begging for a c-section, insisting you couldn’t handle it and now you are saying you could do it again? *face palm and a smack to me*” I know I stressed her out big time saying that and my hubby looked at me like I was insane. I blame the new mommy high. 🙂 Ah, the memories! 😉

    • You didn’t even get to go to your 1st baby shower??!! That is the saddest thing in the world! But I really can’t believe you thought you were ready to go again that quickly?! I’d call that a HUGE mommy high!! 😀

      • Agreed! LOL After I had him home and we were all alone and he was crying at 2am to be fed, I remember thinking, “When is your Mom coming to get…Oh, that’s right! *I’m* the Mom! You stay here!” LOL Talk about an emotional rollercoaster!

  14. At least he brought you some earrings, right? That was the most random thing ever he could have bought with him! LOL! Hopefully, you had that bag packed EARLY the second time around!

    • He knows I value accessories, so I guess that was it. I would have appreciated a bra more. 😀 (and yes, I was packed in plenty of time the second time around!)

  15. I agree with Charlotte – how great that you had flip flops in your purse?
    I don’t recall saying anything very humourous either time during labour. Which is odd, because usually I am so very funny. 😉 I was so focused (from fear?) that I just did whatever someone with medical training told me to do.

  16. OMG…love it. Love your honesty. you are right, we truly think our experience will be wonderful and most of the time it’s not. I had an emergency early delivery early and didn’t have my shower yet…but in the end it all worked out.

    motherhood also means nothing will go as planned, but all the experiences will be amazing

    • Yes! Nothing goes as planned, but it is all fine in the end! That is the only thing you can count on!! 🙂

  17. I assume it’s much easier to laugh about this experience now than it was then 🙂 I hope your second went a little more smoothly – or that you at least had a friend bring you clothes.

    According to my husband the funniest thing I said during my first labor experience was “Ow.” Repeatedly and quietly like there was just a little something hurting me. Through three hours of pushing to get that big baby out. I’m not a loud person or a swearer, so I guess that was the best I could manage.

  18. Awesome! Although my husband just would have called me and stayed on the phone with me as he walked through our bedroom and I instructed him on where everything is kept. Because he has no idea where the magical bras and underwear come from, apparently.
    Funniest thing I said in labor? Apparently I apologized profusely to the doctor and all the nurses for crying too much. sigh…

    • Aw! You just had good manners!!

      I can’t believe my husband DIDN’T call. He calls me 5 times when he is sent to the grocery store for a can of green beans. (salted or unsalted…french cut or not…etc)

  19. Funny that he brought earrings because if his bra logic works then he must wear earrings daily!!! Glad that things worked out and your 13 year old son is very handsome!!!

    • Bwahahahahaha. SO TRUE, KIM! But sadly, he doesn’t wear earrings at all. Logic isn’t always his friend, Kim!

      Thanks about my son!! The tennis towel didn’t hurt him a bit! 🙂

  20. I can only imagine what my husband would pack for me to wear home! I am astonished they wouldn’t let you take the baby clothes home, it’s not like they are high-end fashion or anything! I totally sneaked home some of those hospital blankets (shhhh don’t tell), after my first I realized you couldn’t buy those that were the perfect size for swaddling and when they were too big to swaddle they were great for spit up rags!

    • Those hospital blankets are perfect! They are the perfect size and weight…and you can’t buy anything like them! If I’d known that I would have been smuggling them out by the dozens!!

  21. Hilarious story! I’m not sure my husband would have done much better the first time around. I can’t quite remember what funny stuff I said while in labor. I know I was cracking jokes to entertain myself, but its’ all a blur now!

    I was just shopping for my sister. Her baby shower is this weekend. I totally went off the registry and bought her stuff that you really need (who really needs wipe warmers!?), like nursing pads! If I win the gift certificate, I am giving it to her!

  22. Ah, I had 2 c-sections but the first one I labored for 22 hours before they finally gave up on me. All I kept saying what I CAN’T WAIT TO HAVE A SANDWICH. Since deli meat was banned and all. LOL

    • Hahahahahaha. Sometimes all you really need is a sandwich…and when you do, you REALLY need a sandwich!! (twenty-two hours….GAH!!!)

  23. 2 hours into my active labor (read: pushing), I realized that the doctor delivering my baby was my sister’s OB. Then I realized that my OB was the one who ended up delivering my sister’s baby 3 years prior. So I looked at my sister’s Dr and I said, “It’s all backwards!” To which he responded, “No, the baby is facing the right way, keep pushing.”

    No one understood what I meant by that comment until a few hours later when I’d regained my ability to speak. Those were the only three words I said during my 3 hours of pushing. And I hadn’t said much more than that during my 11 hours of labor before the pushing.

    • It just all fell into place for you, Heather! It’s not your fault nobody else could follow the conversation you were having in your own mind!! 😀

  24. Ahhhhhhhh remember those days! Both of mine were a week late and by that time I was tempted to take up jump rope to get them out. Coming home with the first one was nerve wracking because I realized “This is for real!!!” Eeeeeeekkkk!!!! With the second one I was a lot less frenzied and more into “When am I going to get a nap????” lol

    • There is nothing like that very first time and you are thinking…Um…wow…this is getting REAL!!!! Hahahaha.

    • You know the way right into my heart, Mo! I adore Tina Fey!! Tina could totally rock the pedi sandals and braless look!!

  25. This story made me do the ugly laugh. Oh, my. It’s all too much! Let me wipe my tears, and pull myself together enough to congratulate you on you chapter in the MAM Blogger Real Parenting Guide!

    I can’t top that, but the discussion with my father about what I wanted him to film, and what areas to avoid with the camera and his eyes was pretty comical. As you can imagine, we were both in complete agreement about the danger zones.

    • Bwahahahaha. Yes. I can imagine that you and your dad both TOTALLY agreed as to what needed to be…avoided!! 😀

  26. There was a FREAKING party in my delivery room!!! The nurses were pissed and the doctors were in and out in a frenzy… as my ENTIRE women’s group showed up to see me- in addition to my Bestie, my sister, Derek’s parents and sister. They let my girls in two by two- and it was HILARIOUS looking back,

    I was in STIRRUPS!!!! I WAS in LABOR!!! I would be screaming, and sweating and panting and “Oh HI Gabriella!!! You are SO sweet to come by!!”

    I literally had my legs spread out before their faces. I was facing THEM as they came in the door!! Finally- my bestie covered me up with a sheet.

    Geesh. Nice view for ALL. It was unreal. But with Cade-it was in the middle of the night and FAST and furious. So no one made it on time. Thank GOD. 🙂

    • Well, no matter what, you go in the party hostess hall of fame, Chris!! Even being in labor didn’t keep you from meeting and greeting your “guests”. You win!!! (and thank goodness they didn’t have time to get there the second time around!!)

  27. Oh goodness, I laugh only because I can totally picture something like this happening to me should my circumstances have been different!

    My favorite labor story is actually mine, told by my mother. (I love my 2 children but we didn’t have anything close to that caliber for me to share!) So my mother called up my Uncle and said it’s time to go to the hospital because I was being born. I was his first niece and he was beyond excited, so he’s running around grabbing things to make it out the door, stopped, turned to my father and said, “Do you think the baby cares if I wear socks?” Apparently he was having an internal debate on whether or not it was okay to show up in loafers for the birth. :p

    • hahahahahaha. That is the cutest story EVER!!! How sweet that he wondered if you would mind if he went sockless! Adorable!!

  28. I don’t know what I would have done if my water broke at work! I was completely unprepared the first time as well, but I was “lucky” enough to stay in the hospital long enough for my stepmother to bring plenty of clothing options, and we got a bag quickly packed in the middle of the night when my water did break. And the funniest thing I said in labor: “F$@& this S&*#! Give me a C-section”.

  29. GREAT story! What a cute little devil too. And I love the variety of your posts over here. You never know what you’re gonna get. From meggings, to bikini jeans, and sweet little faces, you girls are my go-to blog! Thanks! 🙂

  30. No funny stories yet, but I did enjoy reading this! (And since there’s no turning back and I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for motherhood, I’m going to read more of these stories from MAM.)

  31. My best friend was texting me during the beginning of her first labor. The last text I received from her was “epidurals are our friends.” HAHA!

  32. Hahah what is it with husbands and not knowing what to bring to the hospital? This is the second story I’ve heard where the husband brings the wrong (very very wrong) clothes.

    Although I guess I should know better since my husband still buys the wrong f***ing cheese at the store.

  33. My friend was pretty scared having her first baby and she was saying: ” I don’t want to give birth right now, I just want to go home.”

  34. my mother just happened to be the on duty nurse in the nursery when i went into labor with my daughter. so while i was dozing in and out all night waiting on my daughter to make her arrival, i heard my mom sneeze and announced to everyone in the room, i know that sneeze! that’s my momma! everyone giggled. needless to say, my daughter decided to wait until grandma was off duty to make her appearance so she got to be in the room with us for delivery.

  35. Oh. my. gosh. I was laughing so hard reading this, I think the neighbors heard me. A white t-shirt and no bra? God bless him. That is exactly something my husband would do. I have no funny stories to contribute, but I have decided that one day, when I am pregnant, I am going to get permanent make-up done, keep a bag packed, and run through the drive through on the way to the hospital. My poor sister didn’t get to eat for hours upon hours while in labor.

  36. This is a very enlightening story, I must remember to come back and read this when the time comes for me.
    I totally laughed out loud at the mental image of you in the clothes your husband brought over. I think I’d better give that job to a girlfriend 🙂

  37. I broke my tailbone pushing but I thought It was a “toot” and I apologized to the drs and then they told me my tailbone popped and hadn’t passed gas. ha ha

  38. My cousin was in labor with her first child, and during the contractions, she kept yelling that she wanted chicken…she was really hungry and wanted chicken, I couldn’t help but chuckle over that. Food would be the last thing I would be thinking about, during labor 🙂
    jslbrown_03 at yahoo dot com

  39. Right after I delivered my first I looked at my husband and calmly said, ” that really hurt”. We still laugh about it 4 years later because I said it like I was talking about anything but labor and delivery. She came 2 weeks early and I too was not packed for the hospital…I had my suitcase out and a list I printed out that was excessive. So in between contractions I told him that we needed toilet paper, a book, or some other random thing that never came out of the bag. With my second I made sure to pack way early and much more reasonably, and yes he did come 2 weeks early too. With my second I waited until I was 8 cm to go to the hospital and I wanted some pain med (iv) but had to be admitted…my husband said that every time someone came in the room I help my arm up and asked if they had my meds. If you ask my I’d swear that it took hours to get them but in reality I think it was 20 min.

  40. I am sure lots of swear and alien language came out from me at that moment. One thing I remember saying was yelling hubby to stop coaching me breathing.
    tcarolinep at gmail dot com

  41. My mom said when she was in labor, at one point, she said, “I’m done. I don’t want to have a baby. I’m done with this. I want to leave.” The doctor just laughed and said it was too late for that.

  42. I can’t remember much of what I said during labor- but I was shocked when I thought it was a girl and they announced it was a boy! 🙂

    chambanachik at gmail dot com

  43. no joke!! The assisting doc to by obgyn actuall told him she could not come to work monday becuase she had court.. this is while I was pushing!! hmmmm lady thats a converstation for another time!!!

  44. I went into labor 6 weeks early, so it wasn’t funny but was totally me, the workaholic, who said “I am leaving the hospital, I am going back to work until the baby is ready.” (I stayed and he came out the next day)

    actually, for my second, I told jokes the WHOLE time with my doctor and the staff about anything and everything. Wish I remembered what I said. That was a fun night 🙂

  45. The funniest thing wasn’t so much what I said, but when my water broke at the hospital in front of my husband, I was laughing so hard at his facial expression, and fluid just kept coming harder each time I laughed. I guess you had to be there!

    Thanks for the chance to win!
    wildorchid985 at gmail dot com

  46. My poor husband, not known for being socially savy, pulled out a deck of cards in the middle of my labor and wanted to know if I wanted to play.

  47. All 3 of mine, I was sent in at 6-7 cm, but not in pain so I don’t have any great stories of my labors. With my third, though, and a history of fast labors, my husband decided we had time to stop and get gas! He heard a few choice words from me!

  48. The funniest thing I said during labor is that I had just remembered the yogurts I had in the fridge were about to expire and I needed to go home to collect them.

  49. The dr and hubby were watching the crowning and dr. asked if I wanted to look. After 2.5 hours of pushing and 16 hours of labor the room was spinning. Apparently I screamed, “Why do I want to see that? Bloody hell!” Don’t even remember.

  50. I don’t know that is funny but my husband was trying to comfort me during a contraction by rubbing me. I nearly bit his head off telling him “don’t touch me.” He didn’t realize how hypersensitive a woman is at that time and his touch was more irritating than comforting. We both still laugh about it.

  51. When I was about to give birth, the Dr. asked me if I minded if some firemen could watch as they were training for emergency natural childbirth. At that point, I didn’t care if the Queen of England was watching!

  52. Your story is so funny. Gotta love those paper flip flops (lol!)…The funniest thing my friend said to her hubby during labor is I’m going to kill you when this is over

  53. My son was apparently hung up inside me and my husband leaned over to me and said “He (the doc) is getting the salad fork things.” Also known as forceps!

  54. This is the kind of story that proves that you can’t be prepared for everything and sometimes going with the flow is the best thing to do. I can’t believe they wouldn’t let you have a t-shirt for your baby. I got to take home the shirts and hats that both of mine got in the hospital. That was really rude of them.
    My daughters are almost 12 years apart. The youngest was a gift we didn’t know we wanted or needed until I had her. She’s made our lives better. My funny story is when I was in labor with my first child I was in a lot of pain. They gave me a shot of some kind of pain killer that gave me immediate relief. It also made me start talking crazy. I don’t remember exactly what I said but I remember asking my mother and partner questions…. weird questions. They would ask me what I was talking about and I’d just shake my head and say never mind that didn’t even make sense to me. I ended up having a c-section because of failure to progress after hours of strong contractions. My “little” bundle of joy was 9 lbs 13 ozs and 21 ins long. My Thanksgiving dinner that year was chicken broth and jello but she was worth it. She’s a teenager now and my youngest is 3. I now get to experience the joys of toddlerhood and the angst of the teenage years at the same time. I wouldn’t trade it for the world though.

  55. LOL…love your story. and so true, no guide can fully prepare someone for parenting. we all live and learn.
    The funniest thing my friend said to her hubby during labor was, ” you’re going to get it when I’m all done here! It’s all your fault! And no No more babies!” It was their first child and they were planning to have 4 before she went to labor!

    amy [at] utry [dot] it

  56. I was so upset that they were going to have to do an emergency c-section, I said the “f” word and I never never swear. My hubby was so embarrassed, but we laugh about it now.

  57. I didn’t say anything funny but I looked pretty funny…I was a hot mess walking those hallways and I couldn’t have cared less!

  58. I was induced with my daughter and I was laying there in the hospital bed when I heard a huge pop sounds from inside. It scared the hell out of me, and I jumped to sit up in the bed and said to the nurse in there “oh my god, either you just opened a pop and taking a break in my room, or I just popped”. She started laughing and came over, sure enough it was me. 🙂

  59. During my first I was asking for other ways to get the baby out that didn’t hurt like new procedures especially ones that did not need needles 🙂

  60. My doctor thought the baby wouldn’t arrive for another 10 hours or so and he gave me medication so I could sleep during early labor. Labor progressed very fast and when the nurse asked how far apart my contractions were I had to tell her I didn’t know because I couldn’t stay awake to time the. Baby came 2 hours after I arrived at the hospital.

  61. a friend said” Mid-contraction I started banging on the wall and and yelled at my husband : ‘Who’s f-ing idea was this?!’”

  62. Not really “funny”, but as soon as my little one came out I asked my husband if she had a lot of hair (bc I had heartburn the entire pregnancy).

  63. Probably that I was having hot flashes, I was so hot and the nurse had to turn on the fan

    tbarrettno1 at gmail dot com

  64. I remember being in early labor at home and my in-laws were over from across the country (they happened to have very good timing)and they just kept smiling & trying to just gloss over my pain even though I was starting to get quite uncomfortable. It wasnt exactly a funny moment, but I remember wanting to slap them for smiling so much!

  65. The only funny thing I remember saying while in labor was that I was never going through this again. And that was while I was in labor with the first of my three sons. I obviously did go through that again

  66. It’s not really what I said, but what I did with the cool rag my hubby was using to “sooth” me. I didn’t want anyone touching me with all of the pain I was in. So I grabbed the rag from him and slapped him with it:)

  67. While my sister was in Labor with my niece she had advanced quicker than her nurses thought she would and they were telling her to literally “hold the baby in” until the doctor got there… Right before the doctor walked in my sister was yelling “WHERE IS MY DOCTOR? I’M PUSHING AND HAVING THIS BABY WITH OR WITHOUT HER.” It cracked us all up because that is SO unlike my sister.

  68. I decided that I wanted to have a drug free birth. Not a good idea in my case. After almost 13 hours of labor and I admit I thought I might die about the 10 hour, I decided enough was enough.I told the doctor that I was going home and would have this baby another day. He told me that he was sorry but it was going to be today. My husband told me that I then grabbed him by his shirt and told him that either he was going to leave or I was and that it would not be pretty. I am still so embarrassed that I acted that way and the doctor told me later that for a few minutes he thought that he might be on his way out!

  69. My friend kept telling her husband to leave the room and when he would try and leave the room she would scream at him “How dare you leave me at a time like this?”

  70. My daughter came crazy fast, first delivery. Doc had said that she wouldn’t arrive until early morning(at 5:30pm), I was induced with the IV starting at 5pm. He PROMISED me she would deliver until the next day. I was worried because it was a Friday 13th, lol. Then he left me to it. About an hour later I had my sis get him to see if I could get epidural yet. He came in saying that he doubted I could be ready yet, but he’d check. He was telling me that I had to be at least 3-5 cm dilated and I had been just 1, then he shouted for the nurses, told my sis to grab a leg and was screaming for a pan and telling me to push. She was born about 5 minutes later, at 7pm. Perfect APGAR score and was only 5lb 5oz. Doc said later that he’d never had a first time mom deliver that quickly especially having to be induced.

  71. My sister in law grab my brother’s hand in labor and screamed: “I want your finger off so you can feel my pain”. She grabbed his hand (with his wedding ring) so hard it swelled up for days.

  72. My husband kept saying “It’s taking too long” during the 30 hour labor with my first son. I am not sure what he thought it was going to be like but I was sick and tired of his saying it. Finally I told him “I am not a pez dispenser, please leave the room”!!

  73. A close friend, after giving birth.. I walked in the room to see the new baby.. as soon as I walked in, I was told “NEVER AGAIN!” lol

  74. as I went into labor with my second child , we rushed to the hospital and the guard told us we had to go up one level to the ward for babies he said . elevators were off had to walk up a flight of steps and when we got to the door was locked. Good ole hubby said ..well it must be closed. I looked at him with a nasty look and just at that moment my water broke. I looked at him and said …if we don’t get into the hospital right now then you will have to deliver the baby in the parking lot. All of a sudden he ran and left me at the door. I am panicking now. Well here come my husband, security guard, nurses, and doctor, no sooner I got out of the wheel chair I was delivering. Oh..and… Husband also passed out and the nurses had to take him outside.

  75. During labor? Nothing as I had an emergency c-section so it all went by quickly but I was told over and over that I’d have a small baby. When they pulled her out my midwife was like OMG she’s HUGE!! Was almost 9 lbs

  76. Having no kids of my own, I only have stories to go by with my parents’ experiences in their lives and my hubby’s family too. That said, one of the funniest things I ever heard was that my dad thought I was deformed and looked like an alien when I was born. He had never seen a newborn and I was hot pink with a cone head. LOL Needless to say my head is fine now. LOL

  77. My son was born during the swimming competition of the Olympics. With my contractions at it’s most painful, my husband kept cheering go..go..go, in between push..push..push. The hospital made a gold medal for the baby.

  78. The nurse had decided that I was ready and we couldn’t wait for the Dr. I was moved into the delivery room just as the Dr came thru the door. The nurse was telling him he didn’t have time to change and he kept yelling back how fast he was. Maybe it was just good to have something to focus on other than labor, but he came in so proud of himself and how he knew he had time to change.

  79. I was very young and nieve when I had my oldest. After I had given birth to him I delivered the afterbirth and started screaming that my insides were coming out and I thought it was my liver or something like that. The doctor and nurses started laughing and one nurse said relax honey I promise you its not your liver.

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