Pinterest Nightmare #281: The Therapeutic Fire Facial

Our beauty routine is simple here at The Dose of Reality: Brush teeth, shower, blow-dry hair (if time permits/baseball cap if it does not), deodorant, sunscreen, and a finishing off with a puff of face powder and a wand of volumizing mascara (if time permits/giant, face obscuring sun glasses if it does not).

But we are no longer dewy 25 year olds. Our facial skin has survived decades of use under the harsh conditions of the carpool line. A gal has to be open to adding a few beauty practices to her regimen if she ever expects to get carded buying Zima again.

We were so excited when the hottest new trend in beauty treatments came across our Pinterest feed yesterday.

Pinterest Nightmare #281: The Therapeutic Fire Facial

Fire Facial

as pinned from inventorspot.com

Nothing says “I am young” better than stimulating collagen via warmth and the occasional 3rd degree burn.

Here’s how it works. First your face is washed, exfoliated, and moisturized with a petroleum based ointment. Next, a cloth doused in “secret elixir” is placed over the client’s wrinkled and saggy trouble spots. The cloth is then set aflame for 30-60 seconds and the beautifying begins!! [DISCLAIMER: The Therapeutic Fire Facial is not for amateurs. Do not attempt unless under the supervision of a licensed cosmetologist (or her assistant).]

We Dose Girls haven’t tried this facial flambé yet. Heck, the closest we’ve gotten to a facial in years is opening the dishwasher mid-cycle to add in another dirty cup. But we are nothing if not game!

Sure, it might be a little intimidating to have your face set aflame in the back of a salon while listening to The Best of Yanni, but attaining a forehead tighter than the top of a snare drum is not for sissies. And really, when you consider the Therapeutic Fire Facial next to its rival beauty procedures, there is no contest:

  • Botox—Yes, Botox is effective, but you have to schlep all the way to a doctor’s office to be repeatedly jabbed by needles in your delicate facial area. Um…hello…Botox is poison! Who would want to expose themselves to a toxic substance when this much safer (and convenient) alternative is available.
  • Chemical peel—A chemical peel has it’s merits, but honestly, aren’t we exposed to enough chemicals in the 21st century? Fire is much more natural and organic.
  • Microdermabraision—Sandblasting your face with tiny crystals doesn’t sound very relaxing, does it?
  • Laser Skin Resurfacing—You do know that L.A.S.E.R. stands for Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation, don’t you. RADIATION? No thanks! I don’t need the hassle of having a third nipple growing in place of my crow’s feet, thankyouverymuch.

But don’t take our word for it! The Therapeutic Fire Facial is all the rage in Hollywood! Just ask fifteen-time Grammy Award winner Alicia Keys…

What do you think, Alicia?

That’s just what we thought.

Oh, Pinterest. No…just no.

 


Comments

Pinterest Nightmare #281: The Therapeutic Fire Facial — 107 Comments

  1. 1. Your beauty regime sounds remarkably similar to my slacker chic! I’ll skip the cap in favor of a wet ponytail, but the only real requirement for walking out the door is clean teeth! 2. Fiery facials? Um, hell no. Wow, women really are crazy when it comes to finding the fountain of youth. Or in this case, baptism by fire. Is it me or is it getting hot in here?!

  2. Thank you for the helpful list of alternatives and why the flambé facial (hysterical!!) is superior!! I’m certain they have this option at my local salon. I too need to be carded when buying Zima – HA!!!

    • We have to share our beauty secrets with each other, Allie! May we all be carded once or twice in the near future. 😀

  3. Seriously, hell no! No one will be lighting my face on fire and think you might have cured me of feeling bit down lately about aging! Such a Pinterest No and will not being doing this one anytime soon!

    • I KNOW, RIGHT?! Those other things sound hideous, don’t they? Plus, who wants to have to mess with paying for a board certified dermatologist when your manicurist/cosmetologist is so much more affordable. It’s a no brainer (in every sense)

  4. Good thing I’m not one to stress over the fact of how my appearance changes with my age. That fire option doesn’t look to hot. You find some of the oddest things on Pinterest. 😉

    I’m a quick basic type of girl. If I wear makeup there’s something special going on.

    • We are too, Crystal. It’s cost effective because make up lasts forever that way!
      We won’t stress over our wrinkles and sagging now that we have the Therapeutic Fire Facial to melt our face into submission! 😀

    • You must be in a cautious pregnancy nesting phase right now so you’re feeling super protective or something. Surely you’d consider sending any future wrinkles up in flames otherwise, Bev!! 😀

    • Alicia knows, Chris. She knows. (You don’t get to be that gorgeous without having a few little beauty treatment tricks up your sleeve)

  5. Oh my gosh, that is terrifying. I am just going to have to embrace the wrinkles.

    • You’re lucky your a hot mama without the Flaming Facial, Kim. The rest of us aren’t necessarily so lucky! ;D

    • I wish this HOT MESS (I see what you did there!) was not true…BUT IT IS A REAL THING. In fact, they even have Fire Massages in which they put the cloth over a troublesome fat area like a belly and light the whole thing on fire. Yes, people do this!!!!

    • Bwahahahaha. So true, Patti! Beauty and the ultimate in realistic holiday costumes! It’s hard to find one procedure that can do it all!

  6. That is unbelievable! Way too hot for me, thanks. I’ll keep my wrinkles; actually, if you eat enough pizza and chocolate, the fat will smooth those wrinkles right out! Works for me.

    • Who needs eyebrows, Kate?! Stocking up on a few brow pencils is a small price to pay for smooth skin if the technician doesn’t extinguish the flames soon enough! 😀

    • You’ve got it, John. As a moms, we’re always looking for ways to multi-task. This gives us facial rejuvenation AND a chance for the kids to grab a delicious snack. Win-win.

  7. People are crazy! I would not choose any of the things on your list but if I had to choose one, if, say I had my feet to fire, I would absolutely NOT choose the face to fire thing! Honestly, girls, where do you find these things?!?!

    • These things just pop up in our Pinterest feed, Mo! Thank goodness they do. We’d never keep on trend any other way!

    • It is seriously a real thing. Isn’t it WILD?! It takes a really trusting person (or a really desperate wrinkly one) to allow a stranger to set fire to your face.

    • You better believe it, Amber. But we shouldn’t be sexist. I be there are some wrinkly men who’d like to get in on the action, too! 😀

    • I feel you, Dana. Maybe we could start on the laugh line area instead. That way if it goes awry, a fashionable scarf could cover the scar tissue. That sounds like a reasonable plan.

  8. I am having flashbacks to my days of dabbling with the ear candle. Did you ever do this? I had a friend who wanted me to do it to her always after we had several cocktails, and who was I to deny a friend with ear pain. Pic looks similar to what we did. Mmmh. Sounds like a blog, doesn’t it? Very funny as always gals. I seriously can’t believe you find this stuff.

    • Oh YES. I wouldn’t be surprised if the initial Therapeutic Fire Facial didn’t come about during an ear candle procedure gone awry. Happy accidents are responsible for some of the best breakthroughs…like penicillin! –Lisa

  9. I want to see the eyelashes. No way they make it out of that facial unscathed!! And petroleum based? What? Ugh! So much is wrong with this. I’m laughing at the commentary but totally pissed about the stupidity of the picture. Is that weird?

    • Not weird at all, Stephanie. In fact that might just be the only possible sane reaction to seeing this beauty treatment.

    • It is definitely best left to professionals…or at least people who have a few credits of cosmetology school under their belts.

  10. OMG hilarious. It’s unbelievable what we’ll do for youth, huh? Also? The thing about Botox being poison? I wish I’d read this five years ago. When I tried it. And found out I’m allergic (!!!) to it. I suffered through random body rashes until that poison left my body completely. So for like four months. Whee.

    • Oh, NO!!! You’re kidding?! That’s terrible, Kristi! I’ve heard of a lot of horror stories with Botox, but not an allergy. I can’t imagine going through that for months!!! That is just awful!

  11. Oh my gosh! I learned so much from this post. I’m with you girls on the practical beauty routine. I left an appointment once because I could feel my face burning and I’m pretty sure that’s not what it’s supposed to feel like. Throw the cap on, brush the teeth, and sprinkle some cold water on my eyes. But did you ask them if they offered s’mores after the facial, because then, I might reconsider. Heehee.

    • You know a anti-wrinkle treatment is good when you can make your own s’mores while you are beautifying. That should really be the gold standard.

    • We don’t know what we’d do without Pinterest. Our faces would have 100% less fire, that’s for sure. How sad.

    • This treatment brought that photo of her to my mind, too, Nellie!! In fact, I imagine that is what quite a few people look like after the Therapeutic Fire Facial if their technician doesn’t have the best timing.

    • AND… they frequently have plastic wrap on them as well!! I left that out for editing purposes, but it’s true. With that many petroleum products, it keeps the technicians on their toes and earning their tips, I’m guessing.

  12. What in the what?! Are people crazy? Can you at least have a flaming shot first? Not that I’d even do that. Much too clumsy. As well as beauty-regime averse. Have had only one manicure and one facial in my life, and the facial was because it was a coupon, which turned out to be a come-on for a hard-sell of some weird face cream harvested from an infant’s tears that when I refused the aesthetician yelled at me, But you need it! I barely escaped with my life and made it home to relax with a good Zima. 😉 Had to get that in there!

    • Bwahahahahaha. How can they claim to be giving you a luxurious beauty treatment if they are berating you and stressing you out?! You deserved that Zima, girl!

  13. Nope.

    Nopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenope.

    OMG, that looks horrifying.

    Also? I don’t blow dry OR brush my hair – drip dry and pin it back. Done. Sometimes? Curly rocks.

    • We are SO jealous. We used to pay hundreds of dollars to get our hair permed into curls that were still nowhere as lovely as yours. Curly TOTALLY rocks!!

  14. C’mon…NO! Someone spent money to willingly set their face on FIRE! I think I’d rather have the wrinkles. I can’t even handle when I burn my finger on my straightener. I shudder to think how I would feel after my eyes are burned.

    • Well, to be fair they are hoping their face will be extinguished before they are burned, but I’m not sure it’s a very exact science. I’m sure something goes awry every now and then.

    • How sad, Mike. Men deserve to have their moment in the sun…er… flames… too! We don’t want you to miss all the fun!!

  15. HaHa – we have similar beauty routines although I’m fixing to chop my hair off to cut out the blow-drying gig!!!
    And – I have a better alternative to the fire facial – 3+ hours of ironing with continuous steam 1-3x per week!!!

    • Plus the ironing also gives you excellent tricep definition and a decent work out of your pecs! That’s a win-win! I might prefer to set my face on fire than have to do 3+ hours of ironing, though. I’d have to think on that one.

      I’m in a growing out phase right now with my hair so I’ve got to do the blow dry or the hat camouflage if want to look semi-presentable. If I get it just a little bit longer I will be able to go with a ponytail and then WHEW …I’ll be so happy!!!

    • Me, too…or cherries jubilee!!! At the very least some beef strips over sterno at my favorite Chinese restaurant. I wish I had some Weight Watchers points left to eat something now!! 😀

    • Hahahaha! Thank goodness our families dirty many a dish or we’d never get any decent steam into our pores at all!

  16. So they put a petroleum based ointment on your face. Which is, if memory serves correct, flammable. Then they light your face on fire. How could this NOT be a good idea? You won’t have to worry about the wrinkles any more. They’ll be covered with burn marks. Aces!

    • How can you set your face on fire without some sort of combustible, Carli?! It’s a foolproof scheme. And if things go slightly amok, bandages DO camouflage wrinkles fairly effectively. It’s a win-win! 😀

    • They sure do, Rabia!
      It’s probably a good idea to tip in advance to ensure they extinguish your flaming face cloth on time. (And it’s wise to be generous. That would not be the time to pinch pennies.)

    • It’s really the only sensible thing to do, Tracie! You’ve got a good head on your shoulders. (just make sure they extinguish it swiftly)

    • Exactly, Melinda! You’d be “smokin” (but hopefully they’d douse you with water before you smoked too much)

  17. I don’t know do I still get to keep my eyebrows and lashes? Because without those I would look pretty ridiculous, right?

    Seriously, I have earned all of my lines from tears, smiles, and laughter…now why would I want to burn that off? Let’s just do this with grace now shall we?

    • I’m sure the technicians are too busy rolling in all the cash they’ve earned to stop and take time to set their faces afire. Poor things.

  18. OH. MY. GOSH. NO. Ha! Here is my beauty routine…wash face with soap and water when in the shower, or use a makeup wipe if I’m not. Lol. I do have to use retin A and moisturizer because I have the dreaded adult cystic acne. Grr. No fire please.

    • But Jennifer, fire is so purifying! And really, they probably extinguish it without the client being burnt at least 75% of the time.

    • It’s a little shocking to see, Karen…but you should see how great they look when the bandages come off and the skin grafting takes!

  19. That reminds me of the time my sister (we were in our teens) went to blow out a candle and her hair (early 90s hair, full of hairspray – you get the picture) caught on fire and her eyebrows got singed. You can imagine the smell of burning hair and nearly singed skin. Yes, with that visual in mind, I will definitely pass.

    • NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! And in the late 80s early 90s…boy we USED some hairspray. YIKES!!! Your sister may have been the very first (inadvertent) fire facial victim!!! 😀

      • A large bottle of AquaNet a week, I think, is what she used. She had the nickname Sky…because she had sky-high hair (bangs to be precise), if that tells you anything. I remember her jumping into the pool once and it taking 3 dunks (no lie) before the bangs even begun to fall. It was horrifyingly impressive. Anyway, it was after the candle incident that she stopped using so much hairspray. Wonder why…

          • It took a lot to get her hair that way, trust me. Her hair is naturally thin and fine. Mine, however, is thick and coarse (You’d never know we were twins, but ’tis true! :) ). I never used the hairspray like she did, but then again, I never had the bangs like she did either. I was kinda a Plain Jane growing up. She was more into the make-up and hair…

  20. Hi, I’m gonna be the token physics nerd here – your interpretation of laser radiation is incorrect. There are two types of ‘radiation’ – the one you’re thinking about is the one that comes from radioactive substances, where particles are ejected from an unstable element. The other type is electromagnetic radiation – i.e., light. Visible light is also a form of radiation. It’s called that, because light is a wave, so it radiates. The long and short of it – there’s no dangerous radioactive decay in a laser.

    That said, I’ll stick with a simple face scrub each morning. :p

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