You Know You’re A MILF When…

It finally happened. After several months of begging and pleading, I got Ashley to watch Nashville.

I been enjoying this show for several seasons. I’m not even a big country music fan, but I cannot get enough of this show!

As is the way with our marathon phone calls very important blog meetings, it sparked an interesting conversation…

Lisa: Don’t you just love the show? Who is your favorite?

Ashley: Obviously, I love *all* the guys, but MAN…I’d kill to look like Scarlett.

Lisa: It’s the hair, right? She’s beautiful, but what about Rayna? I’ve loved her ever since she was Mrs. Coach Taylor. Of course she’s got the hair, too.

Ashley: Oh, she’s a total MILF. 

Lisa: She’s a milk? What?

Ashley: No, MILF. Duh.

Lisa: MILT? What’s a MILT?

Ashley: IT’S MILF, LISA, M-I-L-F. Mother I‘d Like to…um…Fool around with. You know…HOT!

Lisa: How clever!! Did you make that up?

Ashley: No. Everyone knows that.

Lisa: Oh, huh. Well, you *are* hot. You must be a MILF!

Ashley: You know I don’t mean perimenopausal kind of hot, right? I mean HOT hot. A MILF has to have it going on. 

Lisa: I think you have that. 

Ashley: Um, that’s sweet, but I don’t think you’re the best judge. You didn’t even know what a MILF was. 

Lisa: Well, how do you know if you’re a MILF then?

That was a poser. How *do* you know if you’re a MILF? We thought about it long and hard.(Mostly because we had two hours before we had to go to carpool.) After much contemplation, we devised these ten foolproof criteria to let you know if you’re a MILF:

MILF graphic

…your bras are all full coverage with padded straps and the 5 hook closure configuration. Your boobs come pre-flattened making your yearly mammograms a breeze.

…your perfume is no longer Calvin Klein’s Obsession. It’s now a combination of OFF and hand sanitizer.

…you have spider veins to enhance your legs. All gams look hotter with a little bit of color, even if the color is purple.

…you have glorious stretch marks—or as professional MILFs like to call them…racing stripes! Vroom vroom!

…you don’t have to pay a fancy salon for your highlights. You’ve got nature working on your side! It doesn’t get any lighter than grey, baby!

…when you remove your tube socks to switch to Crocs, you have socks marks on cankles.

…you’ve mastered the art of perching your reading glasses on the tip of your nose so you can see both far away and close up. Take that Benjamin Franklin.

…you know you don’t have to settle for picking and choosing. You’ve got both acne AND wrinkles. You can have it all!

…your underwear drawer no long sports hipsters, bikinis, or thongs.  Now you’ve got granny panties peaking out of your low cut jeans.

…you are holding a cup of Activia right now. MILFs have better attitudes when they’re regular.

                                                    If you answered “yes” to:

                         0-2    You are reading this while wearing a bikini, aren’t you?

                         3-5    You’re almost there! Try trading your silk lingerie for a flannel                                                     nightgown and knee socks.

                         6-9    You’ve done it, baby! You’re a MILF!! Whoo Hoo!

                         10     You are one of the Dose Girls.

That was enlightening! How did you do?! We didn’t have time to properly celebrate our mega MILF status. We only had a few moments to brush the Pepperidge Farm Mint Milano crumbs off our yoga pants and reapply our Balmex before we had to head out to carpool.

As you gloat over your own ranking (or sulk as you wait for your MILFdom to arrive), we’ll leave you with a short video tribute *we made* to MILFs. Enjoy!

 

 

 


Comments

You Know You’re A MILF When… — 191 Comments

  1. That video is ridiculous!!!…in a good way. Well, except for the creepy Ryan Gosling hair thingy at the end. That thing freaks me out!!
    I love the sock marks. That happens to me all the time. I’m such a MILF!

    • But, really, since you didn’t reveal your score we know you probably got like a 2, right?! Fine, *MAYBE* a three! 😉

    • HA HA HA Amber! We love you, too! We know exactly how you feel with the waking up process…it can be a killer of all good moods! 😉

    • Right Nicole?! It is really hard to keep up this kind of awesome every day! Especially when the Snuggie gets too tight! 😉

  2. Read this before I even got out of bed this morning. I’m now rocking my MILF attire with pride. I scored 10 out of 10 – I’m an honorary Dose Girl now right? Thanks for the giggle. :)

    • Total honorary Dose Girl Susan, and we feel lucky to have you! Can the world really keep up with all this MILF-awesomeness? We don’t know! 😉

  3. I was already laughing out loud from the post but that video just put me right over the edge! I’m not sure I want to post my number (don’t want anyone to get jealous) but let’s just state the obvious…I am hawt! Thanks for that confidence boost…I think!

  4. I’m a Dose Girl!!! I’m a Dose Girl!! I think I have perfected the Ben Franklin perch and the bra thing…I was laughing my behind off! The acne and wrinkles are killing me! Oh, me and my MILF self was jamming to the video. :) Stretch marks, saggy boobs and pajama pants with a side order of grey highlights dancing with my bad self!

    • Oh yes, you are DEFINITELY a Dose Girl AnnMarie…we knew it! :) So glad to have you on our side…jammie pants for the win! 😉

    • Keep trying Jenn! We know you can do it…how many away from Dose Girl status were you? Maybe we can help you get there! 😉

  5. “The perch” and Lisa’s MILF ignorance killed me! I’m annoyed that I’m only a four, but I’m still laughing my droopy ass off at that video!

    • Poor Lisa. Between MILF and her lack of ombre knowledge, it is a wonder she is able to function in the world! 😉 A four. PFFFT! Of course you are! :)

    • BWAH HA HA HA Tracie! If it is a perimenopausal thing, then it is even better…that might even put you over the top into the 10 category! 😉

  6. This is one of the best things…I’ve ever seen. A little sad because I got:
    0-2 You are reading this while wearing a bikini, aren’t you?

    No, I’m not wearing a bikini but I’m not a MILF. Yet. Y’all are beautiful inside and out, by the way. This made my day.

  7. I’m glad I choose to come right to your site this morning. This definitely started my day off right. I needed this far more than I can express. I was laughing before I watched the video, and then when I got my headsets to watch it and had tears coming out of my eyes from laughter…my husband HAD to see what was so funny. He even enjoyed it. He told me I was definitely a MILF.

    By the way, I think you made up the MILF term. 😉 I have never heard of it before now either.

    I left you a hint on my blog. 😉

    • LOL Crystal! So glad you enjoyed it! :) And glad your hubby did, too!
      Will definitely be heading your way on Saturday…can’t wait!

  8. It’s always been one of those questions, ‘Could I be a MILF??’. Thank you for posting the quiz! I now she I have a chance! Gray highlights, pimples and wrinkles….I’m well on my way!! Yaay!

    You girls are the best laugh!!

    • See, April, isn’t it great when you get an answer to something you have always wondered about!? 😉 So glad we were able to confirm your awesome MILF status for you! :)

  9. The folks from American Pie are now shaking their heads! LOL I earned my official MILF badge when I went to visit my son at his job once and after I left one of his co-workers who didn’t know who I was asked “Is that your girlfriend?” I push my glasses up and do get the sock marks; I go to the salon to hide the “silver” highlights. Love your G rated explanation of MILF 😉

  10. THIS NEEDS TO GO VIRAL!!!! OHMYGOSH THIS IS HILARIOUS!!!!! YES I AM SCREAMING!!!!! CAUSE I’M A TEN WITH YOU GIRLS!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!!!

    “I’M SEXY AND I KNOW IT!!!!!!”

    TOTALLY SHARING!!!! I NEED TO STOP SCREAMING, BUT THEN IT WILL TAKE AWAY THE POWER OF HOW AWESOME I THINK THIS POST IS!!! THE VIDEO- OH GOSH THE VIDEO…. BRILLIANT!!!!!!!

    Okay- I’m gonna quiet down now… ahem.

    I sit here with my glasses on my nose, sucking down a smoothie with ACTIVIA wearing an old pilly ugly ass colored zipper sweater over my tank top that I slept in… I am sporting fleece man-pj bottoms that I purchased from Big Lots and my greasy grey-laced hair is pulled up on top of my head in a SCRUNGIE. I smell. Bad. My crocks are on the floor under my chair, as I pull my sweat socks up over my cankles and try to sit criss cross applesauce (bedroom talk right there) while I write. I personally wear the crocs WITH the tube socks. MUCH more appealing… you could learn a little somethin’ from me, girls.

    I have more wrinkles than any picture you displayed and the balance of wrinkles and zits is perfectly proportioned, thankyouverymuch. Every time I get up, I pick my old underwear out of my crack, because there is no elastic to hold it over my three layers of butt. I love that it’s now cold enough to cover the newly forming stripes that seem to permeate and multiply by the minute on my legs. My gut hangs over the soft flaps of my man-sweats, as I am thankful for less pressure than my fancy wallmart jeans, that are lying on the couch for if and when I go out into society and need to look civil.

    Aside from the bra- lucky me, I got perky ones now. I believe despite that ONE thing, my friends. I. AM. A. MILF. 😉

    • I don’t think I can be the level of awesome in a reply that this comment deserves!!

      WE CANNOT EVEN TELL YOU HOW MUCH WE LOVE YOUR COMMENT!! WE *LITERALLY* LAUGHED FOR 15 MINUTES ON THE PHONE READING EACH OTHER OUR VERY FAVORITE PARTS: SPOILER ALERT: IT WAS ALL THE PARTS!!

      Thank so much Chris! You made our entire life with this comment! :)

  11. I am crying from laughter over that video. I’m seriously going to have to watch it a few more times to take in all of its awesomeness. The soundtrack is just perfect! My son does an hysterical rendition of the song with his babies pretending they are singing with the punchline being, “Girl look at this body. I drink milk.”
    Thanks for this epically fun start to the week!

  12. That video was so funny – what perfect music! LOL Well I am still covering my gray, but I do get lots of sock lines and I shop at Victoria’s Secret for the padding. Do I get MILF status? You girls crack me up!

    • Of course you do Michelle! Totally! Even with the Victoria’s Secret shopping, you still get MILF status! Welcome to the club! 😉

  13. High – larious!
    I ranked in the 3-5 area…somewhere in there..
    I need to work on my MILF Status..
    You girls sure know how to make anyone’s Monday.
    Maybe I’ll use you guys in my Monday Blues article.

    xoxo,
    KG

    • You do need to work on it KG…only a 10 will do! 😉 We would LOVE to be in your Monday Blues article! Thank you! :)

  14. So except for the reading glasses thing, because I wear contacts I am a Dose Girl. In my defense I cannot wear most frames because I have an allergy to the metal fillers in them and I get this HORRIBLE sore spot on my temple and my cheeks where the frames touch my skin.. I know I am a weirdo.. How about I cut my hair and left it the natural color which is salt and pepper.. waaaay more salt than pepper..

    • We will totally call you an honorary Dose Girl even with contacts…with the metal allergy, you can’t pull off the perched on glasses without risking injury, we get it! 😉

  15. Girls, I always read your posts, but this one was just so funny and the video alone is leaving me in the best mood! I think the only thing you can do to top this is to have tshirts made. Milf on front, dose of reality logo on back. You ladies need to be in the blogging hall of fame! so so funny!

    • Oh my Gosh, Karen, we should get those t-shirts made, because honestly, what further solidifies your MILF status than a screen print t-shirt??!! LOVE it! :)

  16. The list was fabulous by itself and then the video enhanced it to a new level. HAHA! Ladies, that made my Monday morning. I am definitely a MILF by your standards. Didn’t realize that you would be going there after talking about watching Nashville. Love it!

    • So glad you enjoyed Kimberly! We had a ton of fun writing it! :) A MILF by our standards?? Are there other standards with which to judge a MILF? We don’t think so! 😉

  17. You guys never fail to crack me up.

    Oh, and I have gray hair right now. I need to get them colored but meh. Don’t feel like it.

    And I have yet to watch Nashville. I feel like I’m one of the only few left..

    • You should jump on board the Nashille train Amber…it is fun! :)

      Totally feel your pain on the grey hair…too much work! 😉

  18. oh my word! Race stripes!! I still think I’m a MILF because I get a lot of male attention in these city streets…but so does every other woman…I may need to rethink this.

  19. Well, wouldya look at that. Not only am I finally seen as a MILF, but now I’m officially an honorary Dose Girl! I’m not sure our Activia cups will make the proper clinking sound for a big ol cheers so I’m raising my orange Metamucil water instead! CHEERS Hot Mamas!

    • HA HA HA HA Jenn! This made us BURST out laughing!! You are so right…Metamucil water it is…maybe we can even be really fancy and put it in a glass! 😉

  20. You guys are so adorable, I can’t even STAND it. “What’s a MILF?” That is so awesome. This video, and the list, are perfection. “You can have it all!” Acne and wrinkles… I love this so much. This WILL go viral! xoxo

    P.S. I totally have those sock marks.

    • Thanks Stephanie…it is always nice to meet fellow sock mark friends! 😉 So glad you enjoyed this…we had a lot of fun writing it…once I got Lisa to understand what a MILF is, of course! 😉

  21. On behalf of The Wife (whom I think is totally MILF-y HAWT), I’m gonna ask for a score from the Dose Girls. Ready? Here we got…

    …5 hooks? The Wife doesn’t wear a bra…most of the time.
    …Perfume? Does Ode d’Teeth Glue count?
    …Spider veins? Not yet…
    …Stretch Marks? Yeah…she’s got those. Very subtle…but they’re there.
    …Grey highlights? They’re natural, Baby!
    …Crocs? Nope…The Wife is the “Queen of the Flip-Flops”.
    …Nose glasses? Got that one covered.
    …Activia? No…but does Dieter’s Tea count? Same results.

    The video was totally awesome! Cleared up a couple questions I had.

    • Hmmm, Pirate Mike, you bring up some very good questions…can the criteria be changed and still produce a score. OF COURSE.
      Based on what you shared about your wife, we have to give her a 5. Her MILF status is clearly of the HAWT variety! Congrats! You got a good one! :)

  22. Acne and wrinkles- YES. But WHY must we be tortured this way. I found a thong when I was unpacking a box in the garage. From before pregnancies because there is no way I’d wear one of those suckers now. Though I’m more of a hipster girl than granny panties- but only b/c I have NO torso so grannies go over my boobs.

    • Oh Shell. Did your former self just stare at the thong and remember the good old days?! 😉 Cracking up at your reason for needing hipsters! Awesome! :)

  23. So awesome! Yay!
    Also, so very funny! :)
    And what is with the wrinkles *and* the pimples? So not fair.

  24. Ha! Apparently, I’m not quite there yet. Maybe I should get an upgrade on my bra and some reading glasses and see what the husband says? And the video? Too stinking funny!

  25. Mmmmm…I almost have it but I usually have some sort of arthritis cream/Icy Hot kind of smell going on.

    Also, I think the granny panties need to be threadbare most of the time. My kids get new undies way before I do! :)

    Now I might have to actually watch Nashville!

    • You know what Carli…that combo totally makes for a MILF perfume, too! We give you full credit on that one! :)

      You do need to watch Nashville…you will not be sorry! :)

  26. I haven’t seen Nashville yet or even heard of MILF. That video is too funny though! Crocs without socks… even though I don’t own a pair, I just could not do it.

  27. I’m a SOLID 4 yo. BUT, I did just have a baby 12 weeks ago. So I got the giant granny panties and racing stripes by DEFAULT. Also, I’m still wearing my maternity jeans. Not gonna lie. I’m going to ROCK THOSE at Thanksgiving. xo

    • WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!! You are a 4 and you have a 12 week-old??!! We are 10’s and our children are practically 12 YEARS-old! You rock!! :)

  28. Ok seriously bent over with laughter. Such a wonderful summation and that video – well! Have you an agent? I am delighted to announce I have two pairs of crocs (don’t tell my daughter – one pair was hers and used strictly on the pool deck). Usually wear them in the garden but forgot I was wearing them and wore them into local Costco once. Yes a proud moment.

    • You know what, Kelly…we don’t actually have an agent? Want to be ours!? :) Wearing Crocs without realizing it is like the crowning moment of MILF-dom. Congratulations! You have arrived! 😉

  29. Oh My Gawd, Y’ALL KILL ME!!!!

    The Crocs one got me laughing so hard and then I could not stop!!!!

    And that video is SO HAWT!

    I just love y’all.

    How could Lisa not know what a MILF was though…? 😉

    • Thanks Elaine! We are so glad you enjoyed it! :)
      I try and try to get her to understand all the hip terminology, but she is still stuck wondering what ombre is! 😉

  30. OH. MY. GOD!! I think that video has scarred me for life! But thanks for the heads up?

    I’m gonna bookmark this page for future reference. Like I would need to be reminded!!

  31. OMG I die! Too funny gotta love the video 😉

  32. I’m a little behind in my reader so I know I’m late to this party, but I LOVE that video. (Sidenote: will you share what you used to make it?)

    I have loved that song ever since I saw it used for a video parody in “I’m a Daddy and I know it” – it’s this guy with 5 kids dripping off of him. Very cute – I’ll try to find the link. And now I like it even more because it was the perfect choice for your MILF explanation!

  33. You know it’s funny when I am snorting. I don’t have the granny panties, but I do have the stretch marks. I am not a big Nashville fan, but I did know MILF a la America Pie. Love this!

    • Want to know a secret Jen? From one MILF to another? Granny panties totally help mask the stretch marks by giving you awesome elastic band indentions in your waist. You’re welcome! 😉

  34. I totally do the glasses perched at the end of my nose thing. I even occasionally peer over the top to read the fine print while subtly sticking my tongue out to concentrate.

    • So glad we were able to bring you up to speed Lisa! Now some people may try to tell you that we misinterpreted the definition of MILF, but don’t listen to them. They are just jealous of our awesome SPANX! 😉

    • So glad you liked it Raya! Finding the Activia can be challenging…we find ginkgo biloba really helps with memory…when we can remember to actually take it, of course! 😉

  35. Pingback: Blogmas 2013: Make ‘Em Laugh

  36. Pingback: Would You Rather: Be Hot And Dry Or Cold And Wet? - The Dose of Reality

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *