Wednesday we had a snow day in Charlotte.
We did it all.
Since our deepest snow pocket was in the crinkle of the grill cover and measured about 2 inches, we made pocket sized snowmen using chocolate sprinkles for eyes and toothpicks for arms. We even did some “sledding” on the hilly part of the street! We did have to put away the wooden sled when sparks started to fly from the friction of the blades on the bare concrete. Unfortunately, there’s no grill cover to catch the snow on the street. Hey, you’ve got to take what you can get south of the Mason-Dixon line.
We then came inside to warm up. We played a few rounds of The Game of Life in which Lucy had to have a second car to hold all of her peg children, and Bobby refused to go to college because “It’s a waste of time”. Lovely.
That got us to 9 AM. Snow days are really long, aren’t they?
We flipped on the TV next, and that’s when we saw the greatest thing…The Price is Right is still on the air!! Did you know that? It’s no longer hosted by Bob Barker, though. Drew Carey has stepped in and is doing a fine job. He even signs off the telecast with the public-service message, “Help control the pet population—have your pets spayed or neutered,” just like Bob Barker did. Aw!!
At that point, I took a little breather from snow day parenting and locked myself in the bathroom with my laptop. It was the only way I was going to get a little free time to spend on Pinterest. Don’t judge me.
I felt like Drew Carey’s sign off words were still hanging in the air when I saw this pin…
Pinterest Nightmare #238: Neuticles
Don’t worry. I wasn’t sure what this was at first either. Let me enlighten you.
These are Neuticles, a testicular cosmetic implant that you can request when you have your pet neutered so he can keep his…er…natural look. It’s okay. Take a minute to let that really sink in.
According to the website, Neuticles were developed to help pets “retain self-esteem after neutering and minimize the pet and pet owner’s trauma and embarrassment associated with the neutered look.”
When my childhood dog, Sarge, was neutered, it was *so* humiliating for him AND me. I was only 6 and didn’t know balls were used for anything but four square, but I knew enough to be mortified by his appearance. Can you imagine how emasculated *he* must have felt about the whole thing? I mean he still humped anything that got in his way (and as a 95 pound boxer, that was a lot of things), but still. You know his self-esteem suffered.
If only they’d had Neuticles back then. Sorry, Sarge.
They are available in a variety of models such as Original (the cheapest at about $170 a pair but the most rigid), Natural (solid silicone for a more natural feel), Ultra Plus (the most lifelike feel and hang possible), and Ultra Plus with epididymis (The epididymal addition makes them so realistic that vets might not even realize they are fake during the pet’s yearly physical! These run about $630 a pair. You have to be prepared to pay for doctor-fooling levels of quality.)
While cats and dogs are their most frequent clients, they proudly note in their “Interesting Facts” section that many other pets have been Neuticled including prairie dogs, water buffalo, monkeys, and even rats! Isn’t it nice to know we live in a world where rat owners care enough to provide cosmetic enhancements for their rodents?
In addition to interesting facts, they have several ringing endorsements from pet owners on their website including:
- “A dog is like a kid- have consideration for his feelings.” –Greg in Fresno, CA
- “He’s a guy & I wanted him to remain looking like one.” –Lane in Metairie, LA
- “Just call me a caring pet owner.” –Trish in Anchorage, AK
- “Thanks.” –Jack in Los Angeles, CA
And if those testimonials aren’t enough for you, they even have a major celebrity who has given her seal of approval. Kim Kardashian, star of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, had her dog, Rocky, Neuticled when he was neutered. Their picture is even on the website. You know it’s a good idea if the Kardashians are doing it.
Oh, Pinterest. No…just no.