Pinterest Nightmare #593: The Emergency Face Mask Bra

When I was little, my family nicknamed me “Cautious Clem”.

I didn’t like to walk on the hardwood floor in just my socks (what if I slipped?), I was the only kid on the cul-de-sac who begged for one of those tall, orange flags to tether to the back of my bike’s banana seat (to make sure cars could see me!), and from about the age of 10, I’ve toted around my own fully stocked first aid kit (You know, just in case).

You can’t be too careful. (No seriously, you can’t!)

So it will come as no surprise to anyone that when I saw the following pin pop up on Pinterest, it was all I could do to keep from shouting… TAKE MY MONEY NOW!!!!

Pinterest Nightmare #593: The Emergency Face Mask Bra

The Emergency Bra

As pinned from ebbra.bigcartel.com

It’s The Emergency Face Mask Bra! By day it sits under your sweaters keeping the girls lifted and separated, but in the event of an airborne pathogen attack thanks to it’s special lining it becomes TWO GAS MASKS!!

Who knew that Victoria’s Secret was …she can SAVE YOUR LIFE??!!

Imagine the scenario…You and your man are taking a nice stroll down the beach at sunset. You catch a whiff of ebola virus in the air. Three undergarment adjustments later and BAM…YOUR BRA SAVES BOTH OF YOU.

Emergency Bra Saves the day pt 1

BUT WAIT!

Emergency Bra Saves the day pt 2

Thank you Emergency Face Mask Bra! (And no, it did not escape my attention that lady above is cavorting in public wearing only her bra, rendering herself topless when she needs to spring into action. No wonder her companion looks so pleased to be facing a respiratory assault. They must be European.)

For only $29.99, The Emergency Face Mask Bra will provide you with excellent support as well as two cups worth of pulmonary security! A mere $20 upgrade also gets you a patented brassiere radiation sensor so you know how fast you need to be running away from high energy gamma rays.

Since my breasts haven’t really done anything truly constructive since I stopped nursing, you can imagine how excited I was to get them back into the action! But wait, the Emergency Face Mask Bra only comes in sizes 32B-44D.

Caution Clem says WHAT????

I’m guessing that A cups are too small to provide adequate protection, and giant DD cups like mine would swallow someone’s face whole, rendering them unable to see in the event of emergency. (As if we girls on either end of the bell curve needed any further evidence that we can’t catch a break. *sob*)

yhbmh

Oh, Pinterest. No…just no.


Comments

Pinterest Nightmare #593: The Emergency Face Mask Bra — 98 Comments

    • Take heart, Allie!! You are incredibly fit and will be able to outrun the rest of us!! I’m kind of wishing I’d been taking more Zumba classes right about now.

    • You know it!! The mask offers no protection against radiation, of course, but at least you know if you’re being pelted with gamma rays!

    • I could probably make all of the above, Susie, and still have enough fabric left over to make a dwelling for a small family. πŸ˜€

    • OH, NOOOOOOO!! What’s a safety minded girl supposed to do if her chest isn’t firmly in the average? They’re just leaving us to DIE! It’s so unfair. πŸ˜€

  1. Too funny. I guess if you wear a bra with nothing else you deserve the discomfort of walking around naked because you have to use your bra as a mask. Your choice – dignity or, probably, still dignity. He could’ve at least given her his shirt after she gave him the mask!

    • You’re so right, Stephanie! And really, do you want to be sharing your extra respiratory cup with someone who won’t even throw his shirt over your shoulders? I think not! πŸ˜€

    • I feel you, Sarah. We can’t wear low cut things without looking semi-obscene and now we just have to die in the event of an airborne contagion. Why…..WHY?!!! *sob*

  2. Does this bra come in more than one color? I’d love to own one, but I’m not sure red is that practical, particularly if I’m going to cavort around with it on the beach. I just wish it came in black… without the underwire… in a DD.

    Who comes up with these ideas? What person in their right mind thought this was a product that would actually be practical?????

    • Sadly, it only comes in red. If you want to be safe all of the time you need to be wearing this bra every. single. day. A white, beige, or black option would be more practical to me, too. I guess the lucky B-D cup ladies are just going to have to live with the fact that you can tell their bra is red under their white t-shirt…at least they’ll be living unlike the rest of us!!

      (The creator of the bra is the read headed lady in the first collage of pictures!)

  3. OHMYGOSH sooooooooo FUNNY!!!!! I have so many questions though! Does it come in more colors? Are there always ruffles? Under wire bra or just packed with puff? Is it a bikini top or a bra? Do they come with some sort of odor guard? Good Lord- what if something happens and you need to ‘mask the bra’ but haven’t washed it in WEEKS? I think I would rather take in the fumes… LOL

    I swear I will PAY you to buy one and put it on your face. HAHAHAHAHA!!!

    • Here’s the scoop: Yes, only red…always ruffles…underwire and padded cups only…it’s really a bra but if you wear it as outerwear like Sue Ellen Mischke on Seinfeld that’s on you…the activated charcoal in the lining might help with the odor…they say it washes well, but remember to remove the radiation sensor before laundering!

      You wouldn’t even have to pay me, Chris. If I could fit in one of these cups, I’d have already ordered it. But I might consider getting the largest size and seeing if I can cram the old girls in there. The ultimate in respiratory safety might be worth a little bit of a squeeze.

    • Thanks, Bill and to answer your question….
      NO!! It’s not a joke! I would never joke about safety!! For an extra $20 you can get a model with a radiation sensor! (removable for laundering, of course). They are also looking into sensors to detect chemical warfare agents, but those are still on the drawing board. (HURRY UP, EMERGENCY BRA MAKERS!)

  4. Good thing I had a kid, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to get a fitting pair of these babies! Speaking of my kid, what do I do about the third mouth that needs protection? I guess Eric is going to have to wear one as well!

    • Oh, I KNOW!! You only have two cups…but what if you have three or even four faces to be covering in case of emergency? I think we’re just going to have to double-bra it. (If the hubs won’t take one for the team and bra it up with us, of course.)

    • You are my people, Kelly.
      Others may mock us, but they won’t be laughing so loudly when they are inhaling a mouth full of bubonic plague while we are strolling away with a bra strapped to our faces.

  5. This is hysterical! Went to the site and the bra is actually $49.99! How nice to know that, for just under $50. I’m buying one so I can stalk George Clooney until Armageddon. As he breathes into my life-saving cups, he will finally realize he needs me.

    • That is the radiation sensor model….but it is TOTALLY worth the extra money. It would be a bargain at twice the price!!! You can’t put a price on your peace of mind!

      I like the way your mind thinks, Parri. Your plan for George is absolutely foolproof. You’re a genius. (And now I’m wondering if I can pull a similar maneuver on Alexander Skarsgard. His beauty must be protected at all costs.)

  6. “giant DD cups like mine would swallow someone’s face whole, rendering them unable to see in the event of emergency” bahahahahahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahaha!

  7. I’m a B cup, but only after two cups. Whew! Nearly missed it by this much! And um..I’m laughing.
    And I was like you as a kid – cautious. Des seems to have inherited it. Should I give him one of my bras should we ever encounter weird viruses while frolicking out in public? I’d probably just have to always pack a spare because I don’t enjoy whipping off my bra in public.
    And then that defeats the point of this existence because we can all just wear bras and pack face masks in our purses, right?
    I just invalidated you, Pinterest Nightmare!

      • I knew you meant kids. If you had special coffee that could increase cup size, you’d already be on your private island deciding which diamond you wanted to wear for your afternoon spa treatments while a cabana boy brought you fruity drinks.

    • Exactly, Tamara. The beauty of this little number is that you don’t have to do anything extra to secure your respiratory safety in the event of emergency except to have dressed with undergarments for the day. You don’t have to worry about sticking anything extra in your purse of diaper bag.

      I don’t enjoy whipping out my bra in public either, but it’s better than a bout of hemorrhagic fever!!

  8. This made me Laugh.Out.Loud. This is so bad, it’s impressive! I must have one for my outdoor activities when I might get a whiff of ebola!!!

    • Exactly!! How have we all been going about our business without this kind of safety device close at hand…er…chest?! Nobody wants ebola to get the upper hand!!

  9. “Victoria’s real secret, whiff of Ebola, two cups of pulmonary security”—hahaha. I can’t pick my favorite line! Hilarious. I was barely a B before Zoe and now they seem to have shrunk, but my rib cage expanded so there’s that! So I think they could only cover one mouth. That Ebola gonna get me! The color makes sense to me. Red for danger. Dangerous curves or dangerous air, doesn’t make a difference.

    • That’s it! You nailed it! That’s totally why they selected the red as their signature color!
      I am keeping my fingers crossed that you are able to fit into the Emergency Bra! Thank goodness for your ribcage! Be careful out there, Liz!!

    • I hear you on that score, Jill. The system of pulleys and levers necessary for me to adequately secure my chest for an exercise session is not pretty. If I had to run sans bra…whew. It would be harrowing.

  10. The injustice of this not coming in all sizes! I am seriously bummed! Now I can’t flash-flaunt-save lives! I guess they know that “gifted” ladies would be too much of a distraction and you’d be too busy gaping instead of donning your mask and running away. Not like a red, half-bra mask is a distraction or tacky no matter what the size of its donor. The lace obviously = class, amiright? Or maybe they are just worried about the safety of the said donor if they are especially “gifted”. I mean, those things can poke an eye out unfettered! Glad to know they were worried about my peepers, too. Speaking of peepers, this was obviously invented by a man…a very pervy man. Gotta give him kudos for trying! Good try, dude, but I’m onto you!

    • Bwahahahahaha. I, too, can’t believe this miracle of modern lingerie is denied to some. It is the definition of injustice! (but yes, a bunch of braless DDers running around with bras on their faces might be too much in the event of emergency. There might be a method to this madness.)

    • You are in a world of hurt with me, Kita. We are left out in the cold since they only go up to D. It may be a good thing. I’m not sure I can walk around in a red bra every day anyway.

    • Exactly! What kind of lame bra can’t warn you that you are in the presence of high energy gamma rays? What a waste of chest space!!

  11. Your line about her happy mate being European made me laugh out loud. This is so ridiculous!! And a gamma sensor? Who really buys these things?

  12. What?! I don’t get it! LOL this is hilarious. next time I’m cleaning a dusty area and need to cover up from breathing in the small particles (i’m asthmatic, you know), I know pinterest has me covered!

    • There you go!! What a great, every day application for this wonderful product. I mean, you will then be dusting with an unsupported chest, but you can’t have everything. πŸ˜€

    • Every day can’t be a red bra with ruffles day, Jennifer! You’re so right! What if we’re feeling black and lacy? I guess you just have to sacrifice personal style for the ultimate in respiratory safety. It’s a trade-off we shouldn’t have to make. :(

    • WHOO HOO!!!! YES!!!
      YOU’RE WELCOME, KATHY’S SISTER!!
      I hope she loves it (and takes a picture using it as a face mask, of course. And I hope she shares her extra cup with you in the event of emergency!!)

    • Good plan, Marcia! I am going to have to go the other route and get a D and hope I can stuff my way into safety.

  13. Well, judging by the comments I think there is a need in the market for A cups and anything larger than D so you could be the next great creator!!!

    • YES!! I want in on some of this multitasking action! The Cautious Clem in me is chomping at the bit to bring this level of safety to people all over the world!! I might even include a Swiss Army Knife type of feature in the underwire area to jazz it up a bit. πŸ˜€

    • It is, Crystal. Now we all can have all the safety that two B-D cups can provide. I think we will all sleep better tonight!

    • If you could have respiratory safety AND braless women running around, you’d be a fool not to go for it, Kris!!

  14. OMG! Thia is interesting… with my weight loss due to all the med. Crap I’ve slid frona D right to a B cup, 1st time for everything right… LOL. During pregnancy I was tiny 120 and DD.family genes are crazy.. on who gets the knockers because I’m weird sized. .. 5’7 & usually 118 (I’m not telling weight now, it’s sickly) Anywaya… sorry for babbling damb adderall hasn’t kicked in yet. Good find Dose Girls! XO! ~A~

    • No need to worry, Amber!! You are in their perfect range for bra cup respiratory safety!! Rejoice (while the rest of us are over here sucking in Ebola)

  15. Um, wow. Something that does double duty is usually a good idea. But if accessing the second functionality causes me to be topless (or even braless) I’m not really seeing that as a good thing. Eeek. Seriously.

    • It would be a Sophie’s choice for me, too, Robin. It is not a good look for me to be braless…especially if I am then expected to run.

  16. I don’t know that I’d be saving anyone. The thought of my breasts without a holder (and where they would go) is much scarier than any deadly mist in the air.

    • I feel you, Carli! It’s a hard call. Some people *do* recover from Ebola…right? Maybe that’s the better choice instead of fleeing the scene with your chest all akimbo.

    • Oh, SHOOT! Well, since this bra won’t fit me, I’m left out in the cold, too, Jenn. We are total goners. (But at least we won’t be strapping a bra to our faces so we’ll go out with dignity.)

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    • You and me both, Michelle. Going topless (and running away from disaster whilst braless) has it’s own set of hazards.

  18. So, what you’re saying here is, those of us with big boobs will finally get that win we’ve been promised our whole lives? LOL Those A cup bras aren’t going to protect you from those deadly gasses, are they? No, I didn’t think so! :)

  19. Good news! Just looked at their website and they also have an alteration service that will transform ANY bra into an emergency bra! . . . I’d get all mine done, except I’m so safety conscious that I can’t even go to the post office anymore, postal workers going postal and all. Too scary.

  20. So this means that when I’m nursing I won’t qualify for the bra? I suppose it’s for the best. The likelihood is that if I didn’t wear a bra in public (shirt or no) there would be even more deaths.

  21. this’ll show you that SF is pretty weird. it’s normal (i’m seriously not kidding) to see people riding the bus with face masks on because they don’t want to contract germs. i get it. i totally do, but i still think it’s absurd. now this face bra could be very appealing! they can hand them out at the hospital during flu season!

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