Would You Rather: Talk Santa Or S-E-X?

Warning right off the top: This post is not safe to read with little eyes around! And probably will trigger your work SPAM filters, despite the fact that I swear never to actually type out the word S-E-X. Phew. I feel better now. I don’t need emails later about how I ruined your child’s Christmas or how you now have to attend your company’s “safe internet use” policy and procedure seminar.

It seems you have been using the company computer to read about S-E-X. And I still need those TPS reports, so yeah, I’m going to need you to come in on Saturday.

It has been a while since we presented you with one of our head-scratching Would You Rather scenarios, but we have a doozy today.

It all started with a conversation way back in the fall of 2013. I had thought about making it a Would You Rather then, but those levels of Candy Crush weren’t going to play themselves time got away from me. You get it, I am sure.

It is no secret that I do not think well on my feet, especially when it comes to the tough questions in motherhood. Questions like, “How exactly does the baby get into your tummy?” and “Why does my toy from Santa have a Target sticker on it?”

Look kids, squirrel!

But the tough conversations are coming. And we have to be prepared for them. And by we, I mean Lisa. See, I decided that she is better equipped to handle these situations. She has no qualms about talking about S-E-X (even using correct terminology and everything!), whereas I would prefer to shower with my clothes on. So the mere idea of “going there” with my children tends to leave me rocking in the corner and crying feeling a bit unsettled.

I told her that I would trade her. If she would spill the beans on the whole birds and the bees situation, then I would take the Santa conversation for her.

Total bestie win-win, am I right?

We decided to bring the question to our Dose Peeps and see which option you would prefer.

So here is the scenario: You have to tell your best friend’s child the real truth about the big guy in the red suit OR you have to give the nitty gritty details on just exactly what happens when a mommy and a daddy really love each other.

In both scenarios, the child is of an appropriate age to find out, so it is not like you are having to spill the beans to a 4 year-old or anything. But nevertheless, you will forever be known as the one who gave up the goods on what could probably be declared the two most uncomfortable childhood conversations.

No, you may not. Now get busy answering this question! No pressure or anything.

Would you rather talk Santa or S-E-X? Remember, you have to pick a side. My jeans already don’t fit from the last time I had to eat my feelings.

Who’s The Crazy One: Marianne Or Me?

I was sitting in my doctor’s waiting room Wednesday when it happened.

The Marianne Incident.

I was there for my yearly physical. I was feeling friendly and chipper despite being denied my morning coffee (stupid fasting cholesterol test!).

After I checked in at the front desk, I scanned the waiting room to decide where I would spend the next 5 to 45 minutes waiting to be called.

As with any waiting room or public sitting situation of any kind, it’s nice to always keep at least a one chair distance between you and the next person. More room is obviously great, but you’d like at least one empty chair as a buffer if at all possible. Who wants to skim arms with a total stranger if you don’t have to, amiright?

As I surveyed the situation, I saw two possible seating situations. There was a seat with TWO chairs between the next closest person. (YAY!) This looked good except that the next closest person was coughing vigorously. I just knew he was totally capable of hacking a pathogen straight into my lungs. Not optimal.

Thus, I chose the only other obvious seat…a chair on the end of a row separated from a normal looking lady by one chair. I plopped down.

To review the seating chart it was….ME….EMPTY CHAIR…MARIANNE. (I know her name was Marianne because later she went back to the catacombs of the examination area after the name “Marianne” was called)

The Seating Chart

Oh, except for one thing…the empty chair actually wasn’t totally empty. Marianne had her purse sitting in it right next to her.

After I took my Kindle out of my purse to settle in for a nice bit of reading, I zipped up my purse and also set in the empty chair right next to me.

The chair was wide enough so that our purses were not touching at all. In fact, there was a sizable gap between them. I wasn’t rummaging through my purse or touching it. I just sat it there next to Marianne’s purse in the empty chair and turned my attention to my Kindle.

Or at least that’s what I did until I had the feeling that someone was watching me. It turned out to be a disgruntled Marianne looking something like this…

angry-stare (1)

Marianne: WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING? THAT’S MY CHAIR!

Me: Me?

Marianne: YES, YOU!!! YOU PUT YOUR PURSE IN MY CHAIR!

Me: Oh…I just thought we’d share the purse chair.

I mean, isn’t that the purpose of a purse chair? It forms a comfortable distance between you and a stranger, and nobody has to balance her purse in her lap or put it on the floor. Everybody wins!

This was not Marianne’s philosophy. I know this because after she finished yelling, she dramatically snatched her purse out of the chair, shot straight out of her seat, and moved all the way across the waiting room to get as far away from me as possible.

All remaining eyes were on me. Without trying, I had repelled a grown woman across the room. She’d rather sit next to a guy would would almost certainly give her TB than spend one more minute next to me. Awkward.

I immediately did what any normal person would do. I whipped out my cell phone and began excitedly texting the entire story to Ashley!  Ashley’s verdict: Marianne was a nut.

But now I want your opinion. Who was the crazy one here, me or Marianne? Did I brazenly step over the line of normal societal behavior by putting my purse next to hers…or…was Marianne obviously overreacting in a way that suggests stability isn’t her strong suit?

 

 

Top 10 Funniest Ways People Have Found Our Blog

For those of you who are unfamiliar with blogging, you may not know that we get a great many readers from Google search terms. Every time someone types something into Google, they have a shot at finding us.

Sometimes these terms are obvious and don’t surprise us when we see them…for instance, when we see “The Dose of Reality blog” we figure they were looking for us. Others, though, can leave us scratching our heads and wondering just how that combination of words sent them here. And of course, many of them leave us laughing.

So, check out the top 10 funniest ways people have found our blog:

Woman Running In Pajamas: You know, we are women. And we love pajamas. Running, not so much. Although, if we are being completely honest here, we would be most likely to even consider running if we could do it in our pajamas, so maybe this search term will prove to be inspiring. Or make us millionaires when we invent the first line of pajama athletic wear.

Say Yes To Neil Diamond and No To Barry Manilow: The joy this search term brought us can be perfectly summed up with this Facebook status from Lisa.

ScreenShotSearchTerms

Is Anyone Else Tired Of Hearing Stay At Home Moms Complain:  We feel like this might have been a disappointing search result. Chances are that reader probably didn’t permanently bookmark our site, right?

Hoarding Coffee Creamer:  Oh, the happiness seeing this search term gave us! Because, you know what, everyone needs to hoard something, so why not coffee creamer? If loving coffee cream is wrong, Ashley doesn’t want to be right.Coffee Cream PinFunniest Things Ever Said: No pressure, though, right? I mean our hats are off to Google for even suggesting us for such a topic, except it kind of leaves us feeling a lot of pressure. Hope that reader didn’t come here on an off day!

Moron Mom Cindy:  This one left us feeling a little bitter and hostile, actually. I mean, hello, neither one of us are named Cindy.

Never Let Anyone Steal My Sparkle: Oh Tierra from The Bachelor, thank you for the gift that just keeps on giving. Without your life lessons, how would any of us have learned the value of waterproof mascara?

Inside A Messy Car: Clearly, this person did not leave disappointed. Chances are good, they actually left feeling a lot better about the state of their own vehicle. MessyCarWhen Is Dose Of Reality Going To Be In Theaters: A question we obviously ask ourselves daily, as well. The invitations to the Oscars don’t send themselves, you know. And thanks for the vote of confidence Google…we would be happy just to chat it up with Oprah, but an actual movie about us…WOW!

What’s The Name Of Those Parachute Looking 1980s Shirts With Shoulder Pads:  Actually, we would like to know, too. Truly, though, if there is any better way to lead a reader here than our love of 80’s fads and our inability to dress ourselves in fashion less than two decades in the past, we don’t know what it is. Google, you rock.

80sPin

So, tell us in the comments which search term is your favorite. Or if you really want to be bold on this Wednesday, share the craziest thing you have ever Googled!

 

 

Sometimes A Phobia Is Actually Funny

I have a ridiculous number of few phobias. Some of them are totally obvious, like how I am pretty much deathly afraid of snakes. And by pretty much, I mean even typing out that last sentence made me have to go rock in the corner for a while. When you tell someone that you are afraid of snakes, they are usually like, “Well, duh, who isn’t afraid of snakes?”

The same cannot be said of one of my other phobias (I have a lot of them, but since this is not therapy, and I am not paying you people to listen to my innermost fears we will just focus on the one for now). I tend to prefer to focus less on thinking of it as a phobia and more on thinking of it as a totally normal, healthy appreciation for the fact that this animal could cause my heart to stop beating forever.

The frog.

frogphobiapost

Yep, your eyes did not fail you there. I said the frog.

I do not enjoy frogs in any way, shape or form. I do not enjoy them hopping anywhere near me, especially in the dark. Growing up in Texas this was a bit of problem as frogs were quite common. I learned from a very early age how to basically levitate from our car to the front door. Everyone teased me mercilessly about my fear of frogs. I did not care. I know danger when I see it.

This is all leading up to me saying that when I hear about phobias for creatures that most people tend to think nothing about, I feel sympathy for the person with the fear. Who am I to point fingers at the kid who freaks out when he sees a goldfish (the animal, not the cracker) or the grown-up who would prefer to steer clear of all species of birds (oh wait, that grown-up is me).

However, when my sister sent me this video recently of her co-worker’s son, I cried with laughter. Let’s just say that poor Matt is afraid of a rather random animal. I knew immediately that while I could totally relate to Matt’s plight, I still had to share this video with you all here. Because sometimes a phobia is actually funny.