I Peed Alone In The Nation’s Capitol

You know what it’s like. You’re all ready to relax into to a nice evening starting with the comfort of your good-old standby Wheel Of Fortune. Except all of the sudden, the show opens and Vanna is sporting a lei around her neck and Pat is saying Aloha to all the contestants. You quickly realize that Wheel Of Fortune has kicked it up a notch with a Hawaiian theme week.

Well, we can’t afford to go to Hawaii. But since everyone in the nation has either just finished Spring Break, is currently on Spring Break, or will be on Spring Break next week, we decided to do a theme week around here, too. If it is good enough for Pat and Vanna, then it is good enough for The Dose Girls.

So welcome to:

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Will it be totally glamorous? Will we be flitting in and out of exotic locations? Will we revel in the comfort of first class accommodations and perks? Will scantily clad pool boys be bringing us fruity drinks?

Uh, no. Remember we said this would be *The Dose of Reality* style. It will be more like waiting in long lines that never end, peeing in filthy public restrooms, and getting a swirly with blue plane toilet water.

So makes sure your seat is in the upright and locked position and your seat belt is fastened. We’re putting the pedal to the metal and taking the show on the road!

First up: The official I Just Want to Pee Alone Book Tour!!

Book Front Cover

You have heard of book tours, right? You know, when authors travel all around and sign their book for adoring fans in book stores…people line up for hours just to catch a glimpse of their favorite writer’s exact style of Sharpie. Well, not to be outdone, we did a book tour, too!

Except in our case, we didn’t go on tour *with* our book. Oh, no. (Remember this is The Dose of Reality style we’re talking here.) Our *book* went on a tour. By itself. Of the nation’s capitol!

Hit it!!

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Our little book started its tour of Washington, D.C. by taking a trip to The National Archives. It desperately wanted to be photographed with other documents of similar importance like the Magna Carta and the Declaration of Independence, but The Capitol Police frown upon flash photography in there. I Just Want to Pee Alone had to settle for a photo op outside.

 

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Next the book went to hobnob with a real star! At The Museum of Natural History Pee Alone rubbed elbows with the iconic elephant that you may remember from the blockbuster The Night at the Museum movie. Note the sign right next to the book….

 

 

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If you click on the photo, you can see that it says “Please don’t touch” right where the book is touching. Celebrities really do play by different rules than the rest of us.

 

 

 

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Pee Alone *always* makes time to stop and chat with fans and this gentleman was no exception. Oh Dear. The book isn’t even that long. He probably just didn’t stop reading long enough to hydrate himself. Or he *literally* laughed himself to death.

 

 

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You have to sneak in a little fun with your work or you will burn out. Here Pee Alone caught a 3D Movie with a date! But dates aren’t cheap, you know! Give the book some help in the romance department by purchasing I Just Want to Pee Alone right here for only $8.99! (glasses and movie date sold separately.)

 

 

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Since Pee Alone couldn’t be photographed next to the biggies in the National Archives, she felt lucky to run in to another classic: Moby Dick! Wait…No, Moby Dick, don’t eat the book. The mermaid in the toilet is NOT REAL!!

 

 

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Honest Abe and Pee Alone have been friends for years. “Four score and seven years ago, I read this fantastically hilarious book by a bunch of bloggers” was actually in one of the early drafts of The Gettysburg Address. Fact.

 

 

 

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I Just Want to Pee Alone is about the only thing getting bipartisan support these days in the U.S. Capitol Building.

 

 

 

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Buying I Just Want to Pee Alone is like supporting freedom. Just ask this piece of the Berlin Wall. You like freedom, don’t you? The commies win if you go Pee-less. Remember that.

 

 

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If you’re a *really* big deal and you find yourself in D.C., there’s only one place you absolutely MUST visit. Excuse me Mr. President, but Pee Alone is here to see you!

 

 

 

After this, the book tour was cut short. Apparently the Secret Service gets “touchy” when you attempt to reach through the White House gates to secure a better photo. Who knew? Side note, was it *absolutely* necessary to tackle I Just Want to Pee Alone to the ground? Harsh.

P.S. Send bail money.

 

I Just Want To Pee Alone…

And really what mother doesn’t relish the opportunity to go into the bathroom alone AND close the door? No one prepares you in the childbirth classes for the fact that it can LITERALLY be years before you do not have company for your every bodily function.

This is actually considered privacy for moms.

This is actually considered privacy for moms.

Remember last week when we told you the book we’re in, I Just Want to Pee Alone, would come out in a few weeks…well, it’s HERE!!

The book is available for purchase. THE BOOK IS AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE!

Wait, wait. wait. We are totally calm and cool about this. It’s just a book. That you can put on your book shelf. That has our name on the back cover. And our words on some pages. You know, happens every day. Whatever. (No! It doesn’t happen every day. Not to us! This is the only day! EVER! And we’re totally on page 146-150…of every single copy! SQUEE!)

Front cover                                                      Back Cover

I Just Want To Pee Alone Covers

We got our own copies of the book early (like real authors or something), which led to a whole long discussion about where and how we should display our books in our homes. Probably exactly how Jennifer Lawrence feels now that she has an Oscar. You know, do you put it in the bathroom so as to not draw attention to it or should you go with a place of more prominence so that everyone who comes over can see it?

In the end, we decided subtle was better. That’s just how we roll.  If someone happens to notice, we’ll be surprised and amazed that they were even able to spot it among all the backpacks and general clutter.

Totally Subtle

See? We are all about the subtle.

So here is the deal. You can buy the book. Right now. Right this very second. If you have a Kindle, you can be reading in minutes. Same thing if you have an iPad, iPod or eReader of any sort. If you have Amazon Prime, you can be reading in two days with free shipping. If you have a mailbox at all, you can be reading in a week.

Book Front Cover

 

Click here to buy from Amazon.com

 

Click here to buy from iTunes

 

Click here to buy from Smashwords

 

 

Click here to see our Author’s Page at Amazon.com! You know who else has an Author’s page on Amazon.com? Pamela Anderson, Snooki, and Paris Hilton, that’s who.  We can’t believe we’re in such elite company!!

After you finish clicking and your book arrives, we expect you to skip straight to page 146 to read our essay called: The Husbands Who Cried Wolf-itis.  Yes. There *may* have been a bus driving by and we *might* have thrown our husbands right under it. Sorry, guys.

You can also enjoy other titles like:

I Love Disney World. Wait, No. That Whole Title is a Typo

Why I Belong in Coach

and And Then There was That Time a Priest Called Me a Terrible Mother

And that is just a sampling of the 37 essays that will make you laugh. You are going to love this book. We just know it. And when you are finished reading, it even makes a good accent piece for your mantel or back door!

 

 

This Should Get Us On Oprah!

It doesn’t even matter that Oprah doesn’t have her show anymore. For this news, she’ll bring it back for a one day special. We just know it.

She’ll totally want to do a behind the scenes filmed at our houses, until she sees even our junk piles have junk piles. But that’s even better, because then we’ll have to go to her house! Squee!

The Dose of Oprah

No, we weren’t busted in a suburban mom prostitution ring (Note to self: Google “going rate for madams”). No, we haven’t decided that sister-wives are the way to go (Neither one of us can cook. You’ve got to have at least one person cooking for all those kids). No, we haven’t had an ultimate bra makeover (But we’re totes open to the idea. Call us Nordstrom!).

The reason is even less probable!

We are going to be published authors. In a book. An actual one. Not one stapled together with construction paper made by our kids. A real book you can put on a book shelf and everything!

WE KNOW, Right??!!!

Several months ago we were asked to submit an essay for consideration in an anthology that Jen of People I Want to Punch In the Throat was putting together featuring “funny mom bloggers writing their most hilarious essays ever”.  Yes. That Jen. That People I Want to Punch In the Throat. The one that is up for best blog of the year on The Bloggies.

After we picked ourselves off the floor from the shock, we decided to give it a whirl. Why not! We knew we wouldn’t get picked, but we both take rejection really well! (Total lie. We both sob and take to our beds for days at a time.)

So we put on our coziest jammies, sat down at the computer, and prepared to let the magic flow!

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Yeah, it turns out that it’s damn near impossible to be funny on command. At least for us.

So we gave up.

Then our kids got sick and that was that. There would be no writing. No funniness. No nothing.

Except we’re not quitters. Does Tina Fey sob in the corner when the monologue isn’t writing itself? Wait, we don’t know. She might be kind of fragile. BUT WE’RE NOT!

So we tried again. This time we brought out the big guns. We tied on our fanciest yoga pants, grabbed our Starbucks, and got to work. For REAL this time.

And when she picked our essay, we looked like this:

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So, without further ado, let us present to you…

I Just Want to Pee Alone

Book Front Cover

Our friend, Johi of Confessions of a Cornfed Girl, said it best, “It seems so fitting our first publication is in a book with a toilet on the cover”. Yep, us too!

The essays themselves are top secret until the book is officially released later this month, but here are a few of the contributors. You should check them out so you can start laughing now! (We’ll be bringing you more in the weeks to come).

Baby Sideburns

Rants from Mommyland

The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva

Nurse Mommy Laughs

I Love Them the Most When They’re Sleeping

So, call us Oprah! We’re available!