Pinterest Nightmare #501: Bed Bug Thwarting Sleeping Cocoon

Well, we decided to wrap up Travel Week… Pinterest style!

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That was fortunate for me, because I really needed Pinterest‘s help with this one!

Some accused me of being a certified germaphobe when I confessed to carrying a full sized Wet Ones container with me at all times. I don’t know. I think I’m just appropriately concerned with sanitation and not catching the plague thankyouverymuch.

And you know how I feel about bugs on people. That’s just being a sane person.

What I have failed to mention prior to now is that I am deathly afraid of finding myself in the middle of a bed bug infestation. Those suckers are EVERYWHERE these days. They don’t discriminate. They’re not just in the Motel 6 that charges by the hour. Oh, no! They’ve been seen at even the most upscale Ritz Carlton. They can be found in almost every city. They have even been spotted, *gulp*, in MOVIE THEATER SEATS.

Is nothing sacred anymore?

Well, I’m no dummy. I know a great website where they post which hotels have bed bugs complete with offending room numbers. I have researched the proper way to inspect any bed for bed bugs. I’m so good at it now, I can complete the mattress check before you can hand the bellman a fiver for bringing up your bags. [She’s not kidding. I’ve seen her perform these maneuvers. It’s disturbing, yet somehow fascinating.-Ashley]

But even armed with all this knowledge, I am still nervous. Visual inspection frequently misses low level infestations. I KNOW, RIGHT?! But, sometimes I’ve got to travel. I don’t rock a staycation as well as Ashley.

So when I saw this on Pinterest, I breathed a sigh of relief.

Pinterest Nightmare #501: Travelers Bed Bug Thwarting Sleeping Cocoon

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The Travelers Bed Bug Thwarting Sleep Cocoon as pinned from Hammacher Schlemmer

THANK YOU HAMMACHER SCHLEMMER!

I am fully on board with something that promises to prevent “100% of bedbug’s teeth from penetrating the fabric”. Comforting, amiright?! Nobody is willing to offer up that kind of perfect guarantee in today’s modern world. That’s just the level of protection I am looking for in a sleep cocoon.

Plus… SEXY! My husband and I always consider a vacation as a wonderful time to rekindle our romantic spark away from the distractions of daily life. What could be more seductive than finding your spouse waiting for you in bed like this?

But, I’m not easily comforted when it comes to potential infestations. What about your face just sitting there? Can’t they just bite your face and crawl in through the head hole?

If this is as impervious as they say and also made of polyester, does air circulate in there? Won’t I just be hot and sweaty with facial bed bug bites?

It’s great that the official description assured me that, despite the incredible levels of protection this cocoon affords, I would still be able to “breathe naturally.” Whew, what a relief. Traveling with a ventilator can be awkward.

Oh, Pinterest. No…just no.

 

Who Needs A Vacation When You Can Have A “Staycation”?!

We recently had Spring Break and decided that traveling was unnecessary. Why not save ourselves some money and just stay here?! The relaxation would be endless since we’d have no long lines at the airport or hideous car trips that last forever. We would be kicking back and enjoying the break from the comfort of our own home!  What a great idea!

We were fools, y’all, FOOLS.

See, it turns out that staying home is actually kind of pricey and no fun at all. Unless you have the kinds of children who like to sit around and eat leftovers from the fridge and read books, you will need to go and *do* stuff. Every.Single.Day.

The first question upon waking was always the same…”What are we doing today?” followed shortly by “Can we go somewhere special?”.

PPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEAAAAAAASSSSSSEEEEEEE Mom???!!!

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Given that this question was routinely asked somewhere in the neighborhood of about 7:32 a.m. I usually had to stall them with tricks like Netflix and breakfast.

That worked super well until approximately 8:03 a.m.

My girls like to go places and see stuff and have fun and make memories, and all of that costs money. Lots and lots of money.

We hit the movies.

We went to Chuck E. Cheese. TWICE.

We spent lots of time at the mall.

You see where this is going right?

I’ve gained some wisdom during this staycation, and I want to share it with you…

  • Fun costs money. Even in your own city. Even if you think it won’t.
  • Threatening to take away everyone’s toys and leave them in their rooms for a solid week *is* free, however.
  • The children catch on quickly if you don’t make good on your threats. They are really good at exploiting your weakness and will run you ragged.
  • If forced to stay home at Spring Break, don’t. Go anywhere. Seriously…ANYWHERE AT ALL. Just don’t stay home. You will regret it.
  • A chance to be alone in the car for ten minutes while the grandparents drive the children to dinner during a staycation will leave you weeping into your hands with gratefulness.
  • Having ten straight days of non-stop togetherness at home isn’t as much fun as it sounds. (Wait, did that *ever* actually sound fun?)
  • If your husband still goes to work each day, he’ll end up missing all of the staycation fun. Lucky bastard  Poor guy.

Needless to say we’re definitely going to do something next Spring Break. I don’t care what it is, but it will be something. Sharing a pup tent with my entire family of four in a rattlesnake infested portion of the Arizona desert sounds more appealing to me than scheduling back-to-back Staycations.

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On The Road Again

It’s Day 2 of Travel Week at The Dose of Reality, and we are already exhausted.

Where is room service and some sort of turn down service complete with a cookie?

Just because Oprah refuses to answer our calls doesn’t mean that all hope is lost when it comes to scoring an interview. The amazing Johi of Confessions Of A Corn Fed Girl asked us if we would sit down with her and answer some questions. We aren’t even sure we allowed her to finish inviting us to be interviewed before we said yes. Playing it cool is not exactly our strong suit.

So we packed our bags, threw caution to the wind, and made plans to telephone travel out west to meet Johi. If racing is good enough for Arie, then it is good enough for The Dose Girls.

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Don’t worry, we only slipped off our helmets for the photo op. We don’t have a death wish, for God’s sake.

Johi was a fantastic interviewer. Think Katie Couric mixed with Ellen DeGeneres and a splash of Barbara Walters and you have her style. She made it so easy for us to be ourselves! (We’ll let you decide if that was a good thing or not.)

Turns out, though, we discovered we’re definitely not talk show circuit ready yet. We still need to figure out a “talk show story”. You know…a short, funny, little anecdote that we tell in under three minutes before the host has to cut to commercial. We’re working on that.

So, see for yourself what happens when we answer questions without a clue as to what we’re doing! Click on the link below to read The Dose Girls: Uncut and Uncensored.

TMI Fridays: The Dose of Reality

Comments will be closed here so you can leave all your Dose love for Johi.

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I Peed Alone In The Nation’s Capitol

You know what it’s like. You’re all ready to relax into to a nice evening starting with the comfort of your good-old standby Wheel Of Fortune. Except all of the sudden, the show opens and Vanna is sporting a lei around her neck and Pat is saying Aloha to all the contestants. You quickly realize that Wheel Of Fortune has kicked it up a notch with a Hawaiian theme week.

Well, we can’t afford to go to Hawaii. But since everyone in the nation has either just finished Spring Break, is currently on Spring Break, or will be on Spring Break next week, we decided to do a theme week around here, too. If it is good enough for Pat and Vanna, then it is good enough for The Dose Girls.

So welcome to:

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Will it be totally glamorous? Will we be flitting in and out of exotic locations? Will we revel in the comfort of first class accommodations and perks? Will scantily clad pool boys be bringing us fruity drinks?

Uh, no. Remember we said this would be *The Dose of Reality* style. It will be more like waiting in long lines that never end, peeing in filthy public restrooms, and getting a swirly with blue plane toilet water.

So makes sure your seat is in the upright and locked position and your seat belt is fastened. We’re putting the pedal to the metal and taking the show on the road!

First up: The official I Just Want to Pee Alone Book Tour!!

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You have heard of book tours, right? You know, when authors travel all around and sign their book for adoring fans in book stores…people line up for hours just to catch a glimpse of their favorite writer’s exact style of Sharpie. Well, not to be outdone, we did a book tour, too!

Except in our case, we didn’t go on tour *with* our book. Oh, no. (Remember this is The Dose of Reality style we’re talking here.) Our *book* went on a tour. By itself. Of the nation’s capitol!

Hit it!!

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Our little book started its tour of Washington, D.C. by taking a trip to The National Archives. It desperately wanted to be photographed with other documents of similar importance like the Magna Carta and the Declaration of Independence, but The Capitol Police frown upon flash photography in there. I Just Want to Pee Alone had to settle for a photo op outside.

 

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Next the book went to hobnob with a real star! At The Museum of Natural History Pee Alone rubbed elbows with the iconic elephant that you may remember from the blockbuster The Night at the Museum movie. Note the sign right next to the book….

 

 

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If you click on the photo, you can see that it says “Please don’t touch” right where the book is touching. Celebrities really do play by different rules than the rest of us.

 

 

 

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Pee Alone *always* makes time to stop and chat with fans and this gentleman was no exception. Oh Dear. The book isn’t even that long. He probably just didn’t stop reading long enough to hydrate himself. Or he *literally* laughed himself to death.

 

 

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You have to sneak in a little fun with your work or you will burn out. Here Pee Alone caught a 3D Movie with a date! But dates aren’t cheap, you know! Give the book some help in the romance department by purchasing I Just Want to Pee Alone right here for only $8.99! (glasses and movie date sold separately.)

 

 

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Since Pee Alone couldn’t be photographed next to the biggies in the National Archives, she felt lucky to run in to another classic: Moby Dick! Wait…No, Moby Dick, don’t eat the book. The mermaid in the toilet is NOT REAL!!

 

 

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Honest Abe and Pee Alone have been friends for years. “Four score and seven years ago, I read this fantastically hilarious book by a bunch of bloggers” was actually in one of the early drafts of The Gettysburg Address. Fact.

 

 

 

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I Just Want to Pee Alone is about the only thing getting bipartisan support these days in the U.S. Capitol Building.

 

 

 

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Buying I Just Want to Pee Alone is like supporting freedom. Just ask this piece of the Berlin Wall. You like freedom, don’t you? The commies win if you go Pee-less. Remember that.

 

 

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If you’re a *really* big deal and you find yourself in D.C., there’s only one place you absolutely MUST visit. Excuse me Mr. President, but Pee Alone is here to see you!

 

 

 

After this, the book tour was cut short. Apparently the Secret Service gets “touchy” when you attempt to reach through the White House gates to secure a better photo. Who knew? Side note, was it *absolutely* necessary to tackle I Just Want to Pee Alone to the ground? Harsh.

P.S. Send bail money.