Home Alone 5: The Blogger Edition

This week is Spring Break for us. Lisa has decided to abandon me take a much deserved vacation with her family. Instead of sitting around feeling insanely jealous bitter hostile unhappy about being left behind to entertain my children all week at home alone (meaning without my bestie to call me daily and entertain me), I decided to look at it as an opportunity to let loose.

Did Tom Cruise cry into his pillow and text his parents that he missed them every two seconds when they went away for the weekend? I don’t think so. He did what any rational person would do (he used to be rational you know) and stripped down to his undies while rocking it out.

Since I strongly oppose my own public nakedness, I won’t take it that far, but I will push the envelope so to speak.

It’s like when your hubby is out of town and you are all, “Third bowl of Lucky Charms and a three hour Keeping Up With the Kardashians marathon, don’t mind if I do.” Sure you pay for it a bit the next morning when the kids wake you up at dawn, but oh it is worth it for those glorious hours of gluttony and brain wasting!

So this week, I might go a little crazy around here.

Lisa insists less is more, so she puts a 2 time a day limit on my celebrity tweeting. But this week is all me, all the time! If I want to tweet Arie our Bachelor post 50 times a day, who is going to stop me? P.S. Y’all should really tweet it to him, too, m’kay! Tell him we sent you!

Lisa’s always trying to reign in my complete obsession absolutely normal feelings for Ben Affleck! (He was totally robbed of the Oscar nomination for Best Director, y ‘all). Imagine her surprise when I take all the pennies big bucks we have made from blogging and buy a billboard on Hollywood Blvd. telling him that I was his first fan all the way back to Chasing Amy. Bet that’ll show her.

Sneaking over to Lisa’s house and using her hide-a-key to film a vlog where we go through her closet? Just say the word, and I will do it.

She tells me all the time that driving by Angie Harmon’s neighborhood (Angie totally lives in Charlotte, and could easily become my friend!) more than once a week is probably frowned upon. Well, this week is *my* Spring Break, too, Lisa, so maybe I will make it THREE times A DAY. There’s nobody here to say, “Blah, blah, blah restraining order” now!

I could even “accidentally” publish some of my favorite emails from Lisa that she sends to entertain me. Hey, that could be a whole post in and of itself. Looks like we have Thursday taken care of!

Finally, there has been something I have been dying to say on the blog for a while now. Sure, it might lose us some readers, but you know what…I don’t even care! Brace yourselves:

BlackedOutText

(Whoa!!! Hello there, gentle readers! Thank goodness this hotel has WiFi! I thought it was best to redact that last paragraph. Ashley really didn’t mean it. She truly loves everyone. She’s just feeling a little tired and lonely. Don’t worry, I’ll be home on Friday. Until then, just write something soothing in the comments, okay? -Lisa)

And you know what? Since I finally got that off my chest, this image underscores my feelings perfectly. You’re welcome readers!

fe6ca107213bb48dfa64a6c544348e62

 

 

(Yikes!! That other picture was deeply unfortunate. Please enjoy this adorable winky kitty from our “Squee” Pinterest Board instead. -Lisa)

 

 

 

So watch out world. Ashley is all alone with the keys to the blog and if you thought what I just said was over the top, just you wait. There is plenty more where that came from!

 

 

Hollywood, You Totally Owe Me This…

My sister has been visiting and since I have not seen her in real life in almost a year, we have had a lot to catch up on. Some really, really important stuff, y’all. After all, when this much time has passed between actual visits, you can’t sit around talking about nonsense like nail polish colors and Thanksgiving shopping lists. You have to dive in and get straight to the heart of what is truly on your mind.

In our case, that pretty much means we are talking Hollywood. And watching a ridiculous amount of TiVo. Hey, all eight episodes of Homeland don’t watch themselves in just 24 hours, you know.

We covered everything from how amazing Argo was (if you have not seen it, run straight to the nearest cinema!) to the shocking split of Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman (seriously, if there was EVER a Hollywood couple destined to be together forever, wasn’t it them??!!). Somehow we segued into what it would be like to be famous. And by somehow, I mean I totally steered the conversation that way by talking about Ryan Gosling being the greatest ever and how it is completely on my 2013 goal sheet for him to save my life.

My sister feels like her success as a famous person would be limited. She described how annoyed she would be if she just wanted to say, run into the grocery store for a can of cream of chicken soup, a can of green beans and some fat-free pudding cups (I could write an entire post just on her weird eating habits alone…which we all know would actually make her PERFECT for Hollywood!), and five people stopped her to say how much they loved her. By person five, she said she would become less effusive and much more brush-off. Bad news if person five turned out to have a blog, huh? ;)

I, on the other hand, feel that I would make an awesome famous person. I feel like I would be incredibly gracious and nice and fun, because I know exactly what it is like to love an actor/actress so much that you actually feel like you know them. Like you just totally *know* you were supposed to be real-life BFFs.

Then my sister felt the need to remind me that I don’t really actually like compliments and in fact, have been known to have a difficult time accepting them. She tried to tell me that my current method of deflecting praise could in fact be seen as rude to a potential fan. And obviously, if I was famous, I would never want to come across as anything but fantastic. Let’s just say I once had an encounter with a very famous actress who I used to think I loved and then her behavior really turned me off. Think less “Pretty” and more “Steely” in demeanor and attitude.

So, you know how when you are trying to get over a phobia, the best way to go about it is to immerse yourself fully in the experience. Like, if you are afraid of snakes, then you go spend the weekend at a snake farm draped in more snakes than Cleopatra and voilà at the end of the weekend, you are either cured of your snake phobia or dead.

Obviously, the real answer for me is to become famous. You know, like maybe on a reality show of some kind where they take an average, suburban mom blogger me and instantly transform her me into a world famous celebrity. Does she crack under the pressure of trying to take the kids to dance while surrounded by paparazzi and adoring fans? Can she hold up on the red carpet at an awards show? When Ellen invites her on to talk about her latest project, does she go all fan girl or keep her cool under pressure and act like this is just a random Tuesday in her life? Who is not watching this potential train wreck smash hit on NBC/CBS/ABC/OWN?!

I could be given my own personal celebrity handler to coach me through the ropes of fame…it would have to be someone like Tori Spelling who could relate to my desire to be a real mom while balancing all the attention that comes from celebrity. We could have all the shots of us chatting like girlfriends, while I cry about how much harder it is than I ever imagined it would be all those years poring over People Magazine in the pedicure chair grocery store check-out line. How I will never again judge a celebrity for being seemingly rude to a fan, because who knows, maybe they themselves are just having a rough day.

My celebrity handler could totally coach me on posing for photos that make me look skinny, even without the support of SPANX and all about how no matter how dark the restaurant is, it is certainly better to eat in my sunglasses. Who really cares about seeing your food, when we all know I would only be eating the equivalent of a lettuce leaf and a couple ice cubes. Thank God The Beverly Hills Hotel (where I will no doubt be staying) has amazing room service, since we all know this girl cannot live on salad alone!

The season finale could be a sit-down interview with Oprah and the un-”Pretty” actress from my past. I would find out that the night she was so rude to me was one where her little daughter Mabel Moonwish (this is not her daughter’s real name, although in Hollywood it totally could be!) was really sick with a fever. It turns out even the most famous celebrities can’t be “on” all the time. Oh boy, would I feel like I learned something then, right? Wouldn’t the whole audience, really?

I am so glad I got to stand next to Tom and not “her”!

And obviously, at the end of it all, I would become completely able to accept praise in a kind and gracious manner. I could do the final “talking head” (Lisa totally taught me this term while watching The Bachelorette) about how now I was ready to teach my daughters all about compliments because I would lead by example from my own experience starring on “So You Think Are Famous and Can Hang With the Stars Because You Have the X-Factor?”.

The name of the show is just a rough idea. Allison Grodner, I am totally open to changing that, of course.

But really, Hollywood, after all the years I have spent supporting you, isn’t it time *you* gave back to me?

 

 

Top 10 Firsts…Just the Way We Remember Them

Do you remember your first time? Wasn’t it exciting, yet scary? Was it everything you thought it would be?

Wait, what do you think we’re talking about? Ugh…get your mind out of the gutters, people. What are you, twelve years old? You should be ashamed of yourselves!!

We *are* talking about first times. But we’re not talking about THAT first time (that was 25 seconds not worth mentioning again)…we’re talking about our OTHER firsts…

First Concert

1.  ”Weird Al” Yankovic (Lisa) –I know that it seems impossible someone with such fine musical taste begged to see Weird Al in concert, but it’s true! Oh, don’t make that face. You KNOW you liked him, too!!

2.  Eddie Rabbit (Ashley)– In the round, no less! He was totally singing “I Love a Rainy Night” straight to me!! I know it!

First Occupation You Ever Wanted to Have

3.  Solid Gold Dancer (Lisa)– Was there EVER anything more glamorous or womanly (not to mention flexible) than a Solid Gold Dancer? No, I didn’t think so either. The hair, the gold lamé leotards, the poses at the end of the songs… I wanted it all.

4.  The Price Is Right Stagehand (Ashley)– You know they totally got to play all the games. Given that I even built my own Plinko board in the garage out of plywood, I was perfect for the job. Quite frankly, I still am!

First You Tube Video That Made Parenting Seem Fun

5.  Charlie Bit My Finger (Lisa)– The first time I saw this I emailed it to everyone…and attempted to talk in a British accent all day.

6.  David After The Dentist (Ashley)– I feel like it’s really the greatest example of parenting to ever hit the internet.

First Music Video You Waited Up All Night To Watch

7.  Tears For Fears’ Shout (Lisa)– I cannot tell you how much I *loved* this video. I saw this recently watching old “I Love the 80s” episodes on YouTube, and I still remember every single word they sang so earnestly.

8.  Michael Jackson’s Thriller (Ashley)– Despite the fact that I am pretty sure it probably gave me nightmares, I could not get enough of this video. It’s a shame I’d never dance in public, because in my head I *kill* this choreography!

First ‘Just Say No’ PSA We Saw After School 

9.  I Learned It From Watching YOU (Lisa)– This was a classic. I was so upset neither of my parents did drugs, because I yearned to yell this at them like the boy.

10. This Is Your Brain…ON DRUGS (Ashley)– Not only was this a sobering thought, it also started my quest to crack an egg without breaking the yolk.

So there you have it. These are a few of our favorite “firsts”. Thank you Monday Listicles for the trip down memory lane!

This Column Is Going to Be Rated “R”

I was having a text conversation with a good girlfriend over the weekend about the movies we saw at ages that shock us today. Kramer vs. Kramer or The Jazz Singer, for example. Anyone remember a little movie called The Blue Lagoon? Know what I remember from it? Naked Christopher Atkins. Probably because I saw it around the time I was seven. Did your parents let you watch movies that you would never let your kids watch today? Share some examples in the comments

I have been thinking about the movie choices that my parents made for me and my sister, when we were children, and how totally inappropriate so many of them were. And these were smart, educated people, so what could they have been thinking?

Was it that the movie studios had not yet expanded to a PG-13 rating system, therefore slapping a PG rating on things that, today, would never merit such a lightweight label; or was it that they just didn’t think about how lasting the images of Jennifer Beals taking her clothes off for money would be on my eight-year-old brain?

These lasting images, by the way, occurred in the movie, Flashdance – a film my mother took both me and my sister to see when it came out in 1984. When I brought it up to Laura recently, how the main character in the movie was a welder by day and a stripper by night, she said, “Really? Yeah, that totally went over my head; I was just in it for the dancing.” And she was, to the point that for months afterward, she would put on leg warmers and apply masking tape to her little preschooler feet and dance the afternoon away in our foyer. I, on the other hand, was totally, completely aware of what I had seen and still to this day can vividly recall certain scenes that I am probably still not old enough to watch.

Let’s jump forward a year to a sweet, innocent kid friendly movie called, Jagged Edge, which quite frankly, by the title alone, should have let my parents know that it would not be an appropriate choice for me at age NINE; but there I was in the theater, with them, watching it as the film opened with a brutal murder.

My mother always used to brag about how I was mature for my age, but I will tell you that I didn’t feel very mature when I spent the next 3 months sleeping on a pallet on the floor, next to their bed. Because of the nightmares that someone was going to stab me to death, thank you (Mom and Dad) very much.

There seemed to be no thought process as to whether inappropriate language, sex or violence might be a good idea for us to be exposed to, at what anyone in their right mind would realize would be very impressionable young ages.

Laura recounted for me how she vividly remembers going to see Lethal Weapon 2 at age nine (What was it with age nine and movies with violence spelled out right in the title??) and how my mom attempted to cover her eyes during the totally naked sex scene with Mel Gibson and Patsy Kensit. Seriously, y’all, that is like me taking Emma to see something like The Fast and the Furious (or worse, like Monster’s Ball) next year. I am not even kidding when I say that I debated, for weeks, about allowing her to see the Disney movie, Prom, because I thought it might be too grown-up for her.

Here is the hypocritical part though, when my mother went totally double standard on HERSELF. When Top Gun came out in 1986, I was ten years old. Now Top Gun had all the makings of awesome for me; because, by that age, I loved action movies, obviously, since I had been watching them for years. So, I was ALL about seeing me some Top Gun.

And then my mother pulled the ‘no’ card on me. Say WHAT? She told me that after having seen the film (I am guessing this was an evening when they had managed to procure a babysitter?) with my dad, they decided that it was too adult for me to see, because – and hold on to your popcorn here, people – there was a KISSING scene between Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis that was too graphic.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

I am not even lying at all. This was her line in the sand. This, really? Kissing, with tongue? To Berlin’s Take My Breath Away? So, Jagged Edge, with murder AND sex was okay; but once the camera guy applied the soft lens and started the love-making music, the brakes went on. I am not exactly sure when I was able to convince her to change her mind, but I am pretty sure it was not while Top Gun was still available on the big screen.

I think it stands to reason that my mother would have argued that she was not doing anything that her own mother would not do, because, as it turns out, my grandmother took my sister to see Thelma & Louise when she was ten; and then, she promptly fell asleep, missing any chance to cover her innocent granddaughter’s eyes during the less than appropriate scenes that were coming her way.

And I guess it never crossed anyone’s mind that while covering our eyes may have shielded us from seeing the worst moments in these films our ears were still picking up plenty of future knowledge.