Can you believe the programmers at ABC decided to shower us with not one night of The Bachelor this week, but TWO?? We couldn’t either, so we decided this was the perfect time to update you all on how the season is going.
You do have to wonder though, what shows in the quality ABC line up did they bump to give us back- to-back nights of The Bachelor shenanigans? It’s one thing to be preempted by the Academy Awards or major breaking news. But to get your show bumped by…The Bachelor? Yeah, that’s got to sting.
But who cares about their feelings, because we’ve got FOUR HOURS of HotSean! to cover and we don’t have any time to spare! Let’s hit it!
Monday’s Episode aka: The Worst HotSean! Episode of The Bachelor EVER
As you remember, this season of The Bachelor features our favorite bachelor, HotSean!, looking for the love of his life by making out with 20 “ladies” until he picks one to marry or gets herpes, whichever comes first.
If you watch this show, you know that midway in the season The Bachelor contestants leave their dreary mansion confines in Los Angeles and hit the road to beautiful and exotic locations. This season is no exception!
Tonight HotSean! and the ladies were told to pack their bags because the traveling portion of the show had begun! Woo Hoo! The ladies could not have been more excited! They were then told they were going to exotic… MONTANA!
Wait, what? Montana? Look, I’ve got nothing against Montana. I’m sure it’s lovely. But other seasons they have traveled to London, Prague, Curacao, Hong Kong, or Thailand. Montana is fine, but it’s no Bora Bora.
This was the first bad sign of the night.
The second sign was that the episode was dominated by Tierra from start to finish. If you watch the show, you are already groaning. I’m sorry. If you don’t, let me explain.
Think of the most obnoxious person you know. Okay, now make that person a master manipulator. Next, add a heaping dose of drama queen and an extra large scoop of Munchausen syndrome. Throw a brown wig on that, and you’ve got Tierra.
Tierra managed to dominate dates she wasn’t even on by just showing up anyway to give HotSean! a hug or to say hello. ANNOYING! HotSean!, the object of her bunny boiling obsession, found this disturbing because he is a normal, if incredibly buff, person.
But that’s not all! On her own two-on-one date with HotSean!, she was even worse. (Wait. For the uninitiated, the two-on-one date is 100% less racy than it sounds. Two girls are on a date with the bachelor, and he eliminates one right on the spot at the end of the night. He then makes out with the other one. Okay, make that 50% less racy than it sounds).
So, what was wrong with Tierra on this horseback riding date? Well, after you take away the neediness and the fake nice girl act when she secretly wants to punch everyone in the room, I’m fairly sure that she drugged an innocent horse. It just so happens that HotSean! and Tierra’s horses galloped perfectly together in side by side formation during the date. Jackie, the other contestant on the date, had a horse that acted like it was strung out on more quaaludes than Janis Joplin. Her horse was a good 20 yards behind HotSean!‘s and Tierra’s horses the entire time. I think it even fell asleep once. That was no accident.
Since animals were harmed during the filming of this episode and because every single contestant felt the need to tell HotSean! the extent of their hatred for Tierra, poor HotSean! was frustrated and forlorn instead of his usual upbeat self. Even the self-centered ladies noted how unhappy he looked, so you know it was bad! Poor HotSean! He got positively frowny from it all. I hope those hos were proud of themselves.
But wait! There was one bright spot for us all! Throughout Monday’s episode, they broke away to every commercial by showing us exciting preview scenes of a real medical emergency on Tuesday’s episode! We saw shots of contestants gasping in shock, people fluttering about with oxygen masks, a random wheelchair, and even one voice shouting, “She’s having trouble breathing!!”
Next in the preview we were treated to a shot of Tierra sitting up with her mascara smeared under he eyes (so you know this is serious, guys) and shivering uncontrollably before she is whisked away to what looks like a Medivac helicopter!! YOU GUYS, TIERRA IS TOTALLY GOING TO DIE TOMORROW NIGHT!! See, I told you there was a bright spot!
You may have noticed that earlier I dubbed Monday’s episode “The Worst HotSean! Episode of The Bachelor EVER”. Was it because he kept Tierra around to terrorize us another day? No, someone has to die on Tuesday’s episode.
It was obviously because HotSean! wore his damn shirt the ENTIRE episode. Thanks a lot, cold Montana air! He wasn’t shirtless even once…not even to run on the treadmill or to do his bicep exercises. This is unacceptable. I mean, he wore some very nice plaid shirts, but I can watch my husband wear plaid shirts here at home. I tune in to The Bachelor to see me some shirtless HotSean! Don’t I deserve that for watching this horror of a show for two straight hours? Not cool, The Bachelor. Not cool.
Tuesday’s Episode aka: The One Where Tierra Finally Dies
Okay, a lot happened in this two hour episode. Dates were had and love blossomed. We need to cover it all in great detail…
PSYCH!!! No we don’t! Who cares??!! This is the episode where we finally get to see the entire medical evacuation and Tierra biting the dust. BRING IT ON!
HotSean!, having moved from the snowy backdrop of Montana to the even colder and more blizzard filled Canadian Rockies for this episode, went on a group date with Tierra and 5 other “ladies”. After canoeing around a freezing mountain lake like idiots, HotSean! and his hos stripped off their parkas and donned bathing suits to do a polar bear plunge into the icy lake water.
Because The Bachelor is a “safety first” environment (except when it comes to STDs), they even took the precaution of hiring a lifeguard (who looked like a stoned lighting guy they put in a lifeguard t-shirt to me), and a very competent looking EMT. They explained the risks of submerging in freezing water (DEATH) and the benefits (none except that HotSean! would finally be shirtless). I’m in.
They all jumped in, submerged, and ran back out under their own volition quickly to snuggle into robes and blankets. The whole thing took about 15 seconds tops. I know because it was the only 15 seconds in this entire four hour block of The Bachelor programming when HotSean! was shirtless. Yes, I am still bitter about it.
Suddenly OUT OF NOWHERE Tierra hunched over and dramatically acted like she couldn’t breathe. Of course! She spied HotSean! cuddling with Leslie! She wasn’t going to let her get away with that!
lighting guy in the lifeguard t-shirt lifeguard and EMT jumped into action by heaving her into the crew tent and wrapping her in a silvery blanket that matched her sequined bikini exactly. Over and over again we heard the EMT tell us in her calmest voice that Tierra’s vitals were fine, and she was okay.
But that doesn’t make compelling previews to lure viewers into watching Tierra die, so they had to keep going with this “medical drama”. This would be the perfect time to rush her into a Medivac chopper, right?! Well, do you know how much those things cost? The Bachelor producers won’t go THAT far. Instead, they got some crew members to carry her down the dock and shove her into the back of a car. (Seriously, not even an ambulance. Maybe they are also very expensive in Canada. I don’t know).
This is where we got the “Tierra shivers and lets her mascara run” footage they bombarded us with on Monday’s broadcast. The EMT reassured us *again* that Tierra was perfectly fine. She looked like rocky raccoon, but she was in no danger.
But despite that proclamation by the EMT, I held out hope that Tierra might still at least come close to death because right after that she was placed in a wheelchair. YES! Now we’re talking! Surely they were going to transport her to the hospital via ambulance, right?
They used the wheelchair to push her into their luxury lodge. They didn’t even take her to a hospital! That’s how damn fine she is! Once they got her inside the hotel, did they rub her with towels or perform continuous checks on her vital signs? Nope. They handed her a sandwich and a STARBUCKS which she wolfed down immediately. I kid you not.
It was then I reached the lowest point of this four hour The Bachelor extravaganza–I realized that Tierra obviously wasn’t even going to be nice enough to die after all! SONOFABITCH!
Some other things happened during the rest of the episode like Tierra sitting in her hotel bed with a nasal cannula on her face for no reason, but my heart just wasn’t in it after she didn’t die. I got a little glimpse of hope at the end that HotSean! was going to dump her, but he didn’t. *sigh*
But HotSean! did lift my spirits right before the credits began to roll. He informed us they were packing their parkas away for good to head to a warmer climate! Well, it’s about time!! Next week they will be going to glamorous…Omaha, Nebraska!! No, just kidding. You Midwesterners don’t deserve to have this show thrust upon your wholesome boarders. They’re really going to the U.S. Virgin Islands. Sorry, St. Croix. You’ve got to take one for the team.