HotSean! And Bothered

Can you believe the programmers at ABC decided to shower us with not one night of The Bachelor this week, but TWO?? We couldn’t either, so we decided this was the perfect time to update you all on how the season is going.

You do have to wonder though, what shows in the quality ABC line up did they bump to give us back- to-back nights of The Bachelor shenanigans? It’s one thing to be preempted by the Academy Awards or major breaking news. But to get your show bumped by…The Bachelor? Yeah, that’s got to sting.

But who cares about their feelings, because we’ve got FOUR HOURS of HotSean! to cover and we don’t have any time to spare! Let’s hit it!

Monday’s Episode aka: The Worst HotSean! Episode of The Bachelor EVER

As you remember, this season of The Bachelor features our favorite bachelor, HotSean!, looking for the love of his life by making out with 20 “ladies” until he picks one to marry or gets herpes, whichever comes first.

If you watch this show, you know that midway in the season The Bachelor contestants leave their dreary mansion confines in Los Angeles and hit the road to beautiful and exotic locations. This season is no exception!

Tonight HotSean! and the ladies were told to pack their bags because the traveling portion of the show had begun! Woo Hoo! The ladies could not have been more excited! They were then told they were going to exotic… MONTANA!

Wait, what? Montana? Look, I’ve got nothing against Montana. I’m sure it’s lovely. But other seasons they have traveled to London, Prague, Curacao, Hong Kong, or Thailand. Montana is fine, but it’s no Bora Bora.

This was the first bad sign of the night.

The second sign was that the episode was dominated by Tierra from start to finish. If you watch the show, you are already groaning. I’m sorry. If you don’t, let me explain.

Think of the most obnoxious person you know. Okay, now make that person a master manipulator. Next, add a heaping dose of drama queen and an extra large scoop of Munchausen syndrome. Throw a brown wig on that, and you’ve got Tierra.

Tierra the She-Devil

Tierra managed to dominate dates she wasn’t even on by just showing up anyway to give HotSean! a hug or to say hello. ANNOYING! HotSean!, the object of her bunny boiling obsession, found this disturbing because he is a normal, if incredibly buff, person.

But that’s not all! On her own two-on-one date with HotSean!, she was even worse. (Wait. For the uninitiated, the two-on-one date is 100% less racy than it sounds. Two girls are on a date with the bachelor, and he eliminates one right on the spot at the end of the night. He then makes out with the other one. Okay, make that 50% less racy than it sounds).

So, what was wrong with Tierra on this horseback riding date? Well, after you take away the neediness and the fake nice girl act when she secretly wants to punch everyone in the room, I’m fairly sure that she drugged an innocent horse. It just so happens that HotSean! and Tierra’s horses galloped perfectly together in side by side formation during the date. Jackie, the other contestant on the date, had a horse that acted like it was strung out on more quaaludes than Janis Joplin. Her horse was a good 20 yards behind HotSean!‘s and Tierra’s horses the entire time. I think it even fell asleep once. That was no accident.

Look What They Did To Him!Since animals were harmed during the filming of this episode and because every single contestant felt the need to tell HotSean! the extent of their hatred for Tierra, poor HotSean! was frustrated and forlorn instead of his usual upbeat self. Even the self-centered ladies noted how unhappy he looked, so you know it was bad! Poor HotSean! He got positively frowny from it all. I hope those hos were proud of themselves.

 

But wait! There was one bright spot for us all! Throughout Monday’s episode, they broke away to every commercial by showing us exciting preview scenes of a real medical emergency on Tuesday’s episode! We saw shots of contestants gasping in shock, people fluttering about with oxygen masks, a random wheelchair, and even one voice shouting, “She’s having trouble breathing!!”

Next in the preview we were treated to a shot of Tierra sitting up with her mascara smeared under he eyes (so you know this is serious, guys) and shivering uncontrollably before she is whisked away to what looks like a Medivac helicopter!! YOU GUYS, TIERRA IS TOTALLY GOING TO DIE TOMORROW NIGHT!!  See, I told you there was a bright spot!

You may have noticed that earlier I dubbed Monday’s episode “The Worst HotSean! Episode of The Bachelor EVER”. Was it because he kept Tierra around to terrorize us another day? No, someone has to die on Tuesday’s episode.

It was obviously because HotSean! wore his damn shirt the ENTIRE episode. Thanks a lot, cold Montana air! He wasn’t shirtless even once…not even to run on the treadmill or to do his bicep exercises. This is unacceptable. I mean, he wore some very nice plaid shirts, but I can watch my husband wear plaid shirts here at home. I tune in to The Bachelor to see me some shirtless HotSean! Don’t I deserve that for watching this horror of a show for two straight hours? Not cool, The Bachelor. Not cool.

Sean is overdressed

 

Tuesday’s Episode aka: The One Where Tierra Finally Dies

Okay, a lot happened in this two hour episode. Dates were had and love blossomed. We need to cover it all in great detail…

PSYCH!!! No we don’t! Who cares??!! This is the episode where we finally get to see the entire medical evacuation and Tierra biting the dust. BRING IT ON!

HotSean!, having moved from the snowy backdrop of Montana to the even colder and more blizzard filled Canadian Rockies for this episode, went on a group date with Tierra and 5 other “ladies”. After canoeing around a freezing mountain lake like idiots, HotSean! and his hos stripped off their parkas and donned bathing suits to do a polar bear plunge into the icy lake water.

Because The Bachelor is a “safety first” environment (except when it comes to STDs), they even took the precaution of hiring a lifeguard (who looked like a stoned lighting guy they put in a lifeguard t-shirt to me), and a very competent looking EMT. They explained the risks of submerging in freezing water (DEATH) and the benefits (none except that HotSean! would finally be shirtless). I’m in.

Finally ShirtlessThey all jumped in, submerged, and ran back out under their own volition quickly to snuggle into robes and blankets. The whole thing took about 15 seconds tops. I know because it was the only 15 seconds in this entire four hour block of The Bachelor programming when HotSean! was shirtless. Yes, I am still bitter about it.

Suddenly OUT OF NOWHERE Tierra hunched over and dramatically acted like she couldn’t breathe. Of course! She spied HotSean! cuddling with Leslie! She wasn’t going to let her get away with that!

Our crackerjack  lighting guy in the lifeguard t-shirt lifeguard and EMT jumped into action by heaving her into the crew tent and wrapping her in a silvery blanket that matched her sequined bikini exactly. Over and over again we heard the EMT tell us in her calmest voice that Tierra’s vitals were fine, and she was okay.

But that doesn’t make compelling previews to lure viewers into watching Tierra die, so they had to keep going with this “medical drama”. This would be the perfect time to rush her into a Medivac chopper, right?! Well, do you know how much those things cost? The Bachelor producers won’t go THAT far. Instead, they got some crew members to carry her down the dock and shove her into the back of a car. (Seriously, not even an ambulance. Maybe they are also very expensive in Canada. I don’t know).

This is where we got the “Tierra shivers and lets her mascara run” footage they bombarded us with on Monday’s broadcast. The EMT reassured us *again* that Tierra was perfectly fine. She looked like rocky raccoon, but she was in no danger.

But despite that proclamation by the EMT, I held out hope that Tierra might still at least come close to death because right after that she was placed in a wheelchair. YES! Now we’re talking! Surely they were going to transport her to the hospital via ambulance, right?

WRONG!!!

They used the wheelchair to push her into their luxury lodge. They didn’t even take her to a hospital! That’s how damn fine she is! Once they got her inside the hotel, did they rub her with towels or perform continuous checks on her vital signs? Nope. They handed her a sandwich and a STARBUCKS which she wolfed down immediately. I kid you not.

Caffeine Stat!

It was then I reached the lowest point of this four hour The Bachelor extravaganza–I realized that Tierra obviously wasn’t even going to be nice enough to die after all! SONOFABITCH!

Some other things happened during the rest of the episode like Tierra sitting in her hotel bed with a nasal cannula on her face for no reason, but my heart just wasn’t in it after she didn’t die. I got a little glimpse of hope at the end that HotSean! was going to dump her, but he didn’t. *sigh*

But HotSean! did lift my spirits right before the credits began to roll. He informed us they were packing their parkas away for good to head to a warmer climate! Well, it’s about time!! Next week they will be going to glamorous…Omaha, Nebraska!!  No, just kidding. You Midwesterners don’t deserve to have this show thrust upon your wholesome boarders. They’re really going to the U.S. Virgin Islands. Sorry, St. Croix. You’ve got to take one for the team.

 

I Will Cut You If You Bother Me While HotSean! Is On T.V.

It is that time of year.

It’s the glorious time of year when an eligible bachelor goes on T.V. to find the love of his life travel around the world on ABC’s dime and make out with 25 fame ho’s selected by hand with the utmost care to fit his every desire in a potential mate–or at least who the producers think will cause the most drama and cat fights over the next few weeks.

IT’S THE NEW SEASON OF THE BACHELOR!!!

Okay, I know you’re too good to watch this horrible show. It’s degrading and sends all the wrong messages about women. It makes you feel like you need to pop a Valtrex when it’s over. I get it. You are too smart and high brow for this nonsense. You only watch quality T.V. like Downton Abbey or Game of Thrones. You are too good for this. Yes, yes. I know.

I have one word to you about all of that: HotSean!

This is the season of HotSean! y’all! Whether or not you watch this show, you NEED HotSean! in your life if only for the length of this blog post. TRUST ME. You do.

HotSean! is no ordinary bachelor. He was discarded into the rubble pile by last season’s Bachelorette Emily in a fit of what can only be described as insanity. There is no other reason to kick HotSean! out of your life.

If you don’t watch the show, let me describe HotSean! for you. I’ll even start with his personality so we all feel better about ourselves. HotSean! is adorable. He is very easy to talk to and affable, but also has a cute little sense of humor and sense of fun under it all. He is very family oriented. He adores his parents, sister, and his niece and nephew. He has a wholesome quality about him. He’s not a bad boy or smarmy. No, HotSean! radiates goodness and sincerity and fun. While I will be the first to admit he’s not a Mensa member, he’s not a total dolt either. He’s kind of like the labrador retriever of people (if your labrador happens to be incredibly hot): good-natured, easy to get along with, loyal, fun…you get the picture. He’s awesome.

Now for the good part: HotSean! didn’t get the “hot” and exclamation point as part of his official name for nothing. He is tall with an athletic, beefy build and short strawberry blond hair. His face is cute, but he’s no pretty boy. He has a more manly quality. If this isn’t doing it for you, let me assure you that HotSean! is more than the sum of his parts…and I haven’t even gotten to the best part yet.

YoureWelcome

 

 

HotSean! has the best chest/abs ever seen on T.V. This has been scientifically proven. Because he is so kind and obliging, he takes his shirt off ALL THE TIME. He may not even own more than one shirt…nor should he!

 

 

Here were some of my deep thoughts as I watched HotSean! for two hours…

We start the proceedings with romantic music and a video of shirtless HotSean! standing pensively on a cliff…then running on a treadmill (also shirtless), then doing some sort of bicep curl which is fantastic. (Because I watch on my DVR, I decided this was the perfect time to rewind and watch this part over again…you know… for the blog).

The producers then forced him to put on clothes (boo!! hiss!) and tell us about his previous heartbreak from Emily last season. I guess we have to hear about this to move on, but still. Couldn’t he be shirtless during this? Anyway, he traveled all over with her, fell head over heels and thought he would marry her…and then she dumped him. He was shocked. (ME, TOO!). He said it felt like “the world stopped spinning for him” for a minute when he realized she didn’t love him back. Hmmmmmmm…so it was kind of like having anti-vertigo, I guess. He could bottle and sell that. Vertigo is a bitch.

He then (STILL in clothes…what gives?) reassured us that he has healed and he is ready to find love again and move on! He had family, friends, God, his dogs, and the power of being a Texan to help him heal. Next they showed us his wonderful family that we met last season. They are the greatest. HotSean! tells us that nothing is more important to him than family. Cue up the footage of him playing with his niece and nephew who call him Uncle Seanie…and I swear you guys…one of my ovaries just burst. SERIOUSLY. One of my old ass eggs has burst out of my ovary to try to connect with HotSean! because the footage of him with those children was so damn adorable.

HotSean! assures us that he can’t wait to meet a whole season’s worth of crazy skanks he wants to love and protect. He wants love and to settle down. If he proposes, he tells us he is committed to loving and being with his woman forever. And despite the fact that I’ve seen all 54 seasons of this horrid show where everyone says that and nobody means it, I totally believe him. HotSean! has made me a true believer!! And it happened when he even had his shirt on, just so you know I wasn’t at all influenced by the power of his chest.

Before we could get on with the rest of the show the best thing happened. Arie from last season (another Emily reject with no business of being rejected by anyone) has come to visit HotSean! and to make me happy. Arie is like the anti-Sean. He is dark haired and dangerous looking. He’s intelligent, charming, and really smooth–but I actually mean that in a good way. I loved Arie last season.

They sit down together and “dude” each other for a few minutes. Arie wants to see HotSean!’s best Bachelor moves so HotSean! practices how he will ask each girl to accept his rose (That’s not a euphemism. It’s the show’s stupid way of telling a girl she is going on to the next round). Next, Arie plays the part of a contestant and has HotSean! practice breaking up with him. Man, these two are so cute together. I’d totally watch the HotSean! and Arie show. Get on that, producers! FYI, Arie is really hard to break up with. He doesn’t want to take no for an answer. Words are not HotSean!’s forte, so let’s hope he has an easier time letting down the real contestants.

Then comes what will forever be known at The Dose of Reality as the moment we loved The Bachelor the best. HotSean! asks Arie for advice on how to kiss. For the uninitiated, Arie is to kissing what HotSean! is to shirtlessness. Arie is the best kisser in the whole damn universe.

Don’t believe me?

Watch this.

I’ll wait.

SEE!

YOU feel kissed after watching that, right? HotSean! is no fool! He wants to learn from the very best!

Take Notes

You might be thinking, “Wait…isn’t this show ostensibly about dating? Aren’t there any women involved?”

Oh, right. THEM. Nobody’s really watching for them. But I do want HotSean! to find his perfect match, so I guess we’ll have to mention them as well.

The 26 “ladies” HotSean! has to choose from are employed doing a wide range of occupations. Everything from fashion model, fit model, to model (she did not elaborate). Oh, I’m just kidding. There’s also a fitness club manager, yoga instructor, cosmetics consultant, cruise ship entertainer, poker dealer, and bridal shop salesgirl. Surprisingly, there are no doctors, lawyers, or astrophysicists. There is a Jumbotron operator thrown in for good measure, though. (No, I didn’t realize that was a stand-alone job either.)

Some of them have names like Desiree, Keriann, Taryn, and Tierra. The other half are named Ashley. My Ashley is both exhilarated by this fact (he’ll be dating an Ashley!) and also alternately disgusted. (They kind of give Ashleys a bad name.)

They meet HotSean! one by one and many try to do something to make themselves memorable. This is a bad idea. One tries to do a back handspring and ends up sprawled out on the pavement in her evening gown. Another sings him an off-key country tune she wrote herself. Several “ladies” pull things out of their cleavage dramatically to hand to him. He, being the upstanding insurance agent that he is, seems appropriately repulsed by these offerings. (ME, TOO!)

I have a considerably harder time keeping track of all of the “ladies” than HotSean! There were a few that stood out to me, though.  I dutifully fact-checked my information (aka called Ashley) to be sure that the “ladies” that left an impression on me were still in contention. They are…

AshLee F.AshLee F.– This Ashley is a professional personal organizer from Houston. I immediately dubbed her Sad Ashley. (Sad AshLee if I can remember the dumb way she spells her name.), because she seemed so sad. I’m pithy like that. She is completely obsessed with organization and claims to want to be loved SO BADLY. You really could feel the vibes of “love me” just pulsing off her. When she went on with her story it all sort of fell in place. She lived in many foster homes–6 in one year alone– when she was little. She was finally adopted at 6 years old. She seems sweet. I think she really needs a therapist and not a reality show. Even I can see her obsession with organization come from a need to control things because she couldn’t control anything when she was young, and I’m no Sigmund Freud. I like her. HotSean! seemed to be taken with her, too. Yay!

Next is Catherine. She’s a graphic designer from Seattle. She’s the most adorable girl ever. HotSean! was immediately smitten with her. His eyes lit up when they met her. They had a real chemistry together. She seems upbeat and fun, yet sweet…like a female HotSean! I think she has real front runner potential. We didn’t get to see her with him a lot, but I think this was to throw us off the track. I am pegging her for one of the final two, if not the winner of the whole show.

The last contestant that left an impression on me was Lindsay. She is a substitute teacher from North Carolina. But that didn’t matter because Lindsay had one of the WORST ploys to be remembered by HotSean! in the history of this show. Instead of wearing an evening gown worthy of the Miss Universe pageant like the rest of the “ladies”, Lindsay went another way. She showed up in a long,white bridal gown with a train and a veil. Yes, nothing says “I am normal and not at all insane and desperate” like showing up to meet a guy for a blind date wearing a full wedding ensemble. Lindsay proceeded to get very sloppily drunk and throw herself at HotSean! the rest of the night. To my surprise, he actually elected to keep her around. I’m glad because she had the presence of mind (before she got blitzed) to be very embarrassed by her idiotic decision.

SomebodyHelpHim

In the end, HotSean! sent several ladies packing and kept the rest to dump another day. I spent the rest of the evening Googling variations of “how to get a frequently typed word to display with just one keystroke” because I am going to get claw hand if I have to type HotSean! the entire season. I wonder if The Dose of Reality offers Workers’ Comp?

Top 10 Ways We Will NOT Be Changing In 2013

You know what, everyone is all over the interwebs declaring their new found goals for the coming year. Something about the flip of the calendar makes any thing seem possible.  Maybe this year will be different!

We get it. We got in on the action with our Friday Feasts Pinterest Challenge. Clearly, we are on the road to a new year, new you philosophy ourselves. Well, until we decide it is too much work and go back to ordering pizza four times a week!

Thanks to Monday Listicles we were asked to think of ten things we had no intention of changing in 2013. Not a problem. We could have thought of twenty.

But the rule is ten. So, we stuck with that. We are, after all, rule followers by nature.

1.  Starbucks– You know what, between Starbucks and Target, we are in our happy place. Imagine our delight when we find the Targets that contain Starbucks. Yeah, that is called heaven. Reading a fantastically awesome blog post the other day by our friend Britton, we found ourselves horrified at how many calories our favorite drinks contained. It’s like we’re drinking a whole meal… if your meal has a LOT of calories. *sob* Naturally, it left us questioning whether we should continue to indulge. Are the massive calories really worth it? Duh. Yes.

2.  Participating in Monday Listicles as often as possible– The topics are fun, and we always enjoy thinking outside the box when it comes to this fun meme. Plus, it is fun to read what other bloggers add to their lists!

3.  Our addiction to reality TV– After all, if not for shows like The Bachelor (now with Hot Sean! Yay!) how would we ever figure out exactly what a luxury brand consultant does for a living? And obviously, we will not be giving up The Voice, even if we can no longer look forward to what satin pajamas Cee-Lo will be wearing until the new season starts in March. We know it’s not cool or high-brow to watch these shows, but they make us too happy to care.

Cee Lo and Christina Duet

4.  Tackling current events– We are both news junkies. We talk about politics and current events nonstop with each other. Sometimes, they must be discussed here on the blog. And dissected. And analyzed. Even though, we are not journalists, we are mothers, we are wives, we are women, we have a voice, and we plan to keep using it.

5.  Keeping it real– If we can’t be honest about our lives, the good, the bad and the ugly, then we really aren’t living up to our blog motto at all, are we? So, we promise you all that 2013 will be spent exposing more of the deep, dark realities of our lives! Don’t say we didn’t warn you!

6.  Giving back– We feel really strongly about using whatever platform we have for good whenever possible. It seems like there is just so much need. If we all get together and chip away at it little by little, we can make a difference. One of our very favorite bloggers (and people) Chrysula Winegar says it best: When you wake up a mother, you wake up the world. Absolutely.

ItsCalledParenting

7.  Our number of pet peeves– As we get older, we seem to be getting crankier when it comes to the things that irritate us. Parents who ignore carpool rules. Ugh. Your time is not more valuable than ours! When someone describes a dad watching his own children as “babysitting”. GAH! We know they have the Y chromosome to contend with and all,  but they are still parenting like the rest of us. We guess we’re just gearing up for our cantankerous, little old lady phase that will hit in a decade or two (give or take).

8.  Our fashion sense– Fortunately this blogging gig doesn’t require fancy work duds because we’d cry and cry. On any given day, at least one of us has on clogs and/or  yoga pants most likely with a shirt that has a hole in it. It is just our way. They used to call this “giving up”. Nah. That’s not it. We are just being true to ourselves…and ourselves want to be comfortable.

9.  Our screen time– We’ve heard several people make resolutions to spend less time in front of the computer and more time just being in the moment. You know, less time pinning and status updating and more time being unplugged. Well, not us! We love the unnatural glow of the screen. If we didn’t check out Facebook several times a day we’d laugh a lot less and without Pinterest we’d never know 50 ways to tie a scarf or know that there is an apparatus to make a hamburger into a hot dog shape. Plus, it’s really hard to type a blog post if you don’t turn the computer on.

10.  Agreeing on one of the most important questions of our time– Sometimes when it comes to the really important stuff, you’ve just got to agree to disagree. No matter how many times we revisit this topic, we just can’t come to the same conclusion. We can go back and forth for hours. We’ve each decided that, although the other is completely deluded, we will look past it and remain friends. (Until the other one finally comes to her senses!)

MondayListicles